Constellations

I stared up at the night sky that was freckled with bright stars. My heart was racing in the pit of my stomach, and I was mindlessly shaking my foot from side to side nervously. My chest felt tight, and something was doing cartwheels inside my stomach. On second thought, maybe something was karate-chopping my stomach from the inside. I couldn’t really tell what was going on down there. In my head, I felt like someone was playing the trumpet as loud as possible, like someone was trying to make my head hurt.

I took one long, deep breath like my dad always told me to do when I was nervous. In through my nose, out through my mouth. In, out. 

It felt pointless. 

My foot continued to shake, my heart continued to race, and whatever was in my stomach delivered a roundhouse kick to my large intestine. 

“Okay, new plan,” I whispered to myself, sitting up, pulling my knees in, and wrapping my arms around my legs. “Just think about something else.” That seemed easy enough.

I stared up at the stars again, looking for constellations that I didn’t know how to find. I ended up just connecting different stars to make what I thought could’ve been a dog. Or a tree. Actually, the more I looked at it, the less it looked like anything. I decided I wasn’t very good at making up my own constellations. 

In an effort to distract myself before I started thinking too much, I stood up from my spot on the grass and walked down towards the beach. I pulled my phone from my front pocket and checked it for maybe the hundredth time that night. Still no news. I sighed lightly and dropped my phone back into my pocket, picking up the pace before my mind started spiraling. 

Too late. 

What if it doesn’t work out? My brain gloated to me. What if-

“No!” I yelled out loud, cutting my brain off. Hopefully no one was walking by when I did that, because they definitely would have thought I had schizophrenia. “Everything is fine.” I continued to myself. “Everything is just fine.” I doubted I was making anyone who could hear me feel any better by assuring my own self that everything was fine, but at this point I didn’t really mind. 

I walked straight into the water when I reached the beach, trying my hardest not to fall over when a stronger wave splashed up at me and soaked my shorts. In a panic, I pulled my phone from my pocket, making sure it didn’t need a rice bath. I lazily wiped the water from the screen with my shirt and stuffed my phone back in my pocket, trying my hardest not to just hold it in my hands until I got a call. 

I knew that I was just in a sensitive emotional state, and that the ocean has no control over how strong its tides are, but I couldn’t help but feel a little bit targeted by that particular wave as my shorts stuck to my thighs. 

I looked out at the water and watched the waves move smoothly as the stars and moon had their light reflected back to them off of the water. I smiled. My wet shorts were forgotten. My other anxieties lingered, but even they seemed to ease up a bit at the pretty sight. 

I closed my eyes and took another minute to breathe. In through my nose, and out through my mouth. In, out. 

“Sadie?” I heard from somewhere behind me. 

I turned to meet the voice that had called me and came face to face with Cameron Miller, a boy from my US History class. 

“Oh, hey, Cam.” I greeted him, though even I could tell I didn’t sound very happy. 

Cameron gave me a soft smile and joined me in the water. The water was only up to our mid-shins, but I chuckled lightly when I noticed that the bottoms of his shorts too were already slightly wet from the waves.

“Something bothering you?” He asked, staring straight ahead at the water. 

I almost laughed at the simplicity of his question.

“Something like that.” I decided on, looking up at the stars again. “What are you doing out here?” I asked him, trying not to sound too curious.

“Oh, uh, well, I’m just going on a walk.” He said, looking at his feet. “I go on a walk out here every night. What are you doing out here?” 

“Just trying to clear my head.” I answered. We went quiet again.

At one point, I could’ve sworn I’d found the little dipper, but then one of the lights started to fly away and blinked with red light. I must’ve audibly sighed in disappointment, because Cameron turned toward me with his eyebrows furrowed. 

“What?” He asked, pulling his hands out of his pockets. “What’s wrong?”

That time I did laugh. I could have talked to Cameron for hours about all of my concerns for the night and I still wouldn’t have covered everything, and he was asking me what was wrong after I’d dramatically sighed because I mistook an airplane for a star. 

“I can’t find any constellations.” I laughed, turning my head to look at him. I almost laughed again because of the face he’d made when I said that. He must’ve thought I had lost my mind. I told him what was happening tonight a couple of days ago, and here I was acting like my failure in finding any constellations was the most upsetting part of my night. 

After a few seconds of looking at me strangely, Cameron decided that what I’d said was pretty funny, because his expression lightened and he laughed into the collar of his shirt. His dimples were fully visible, and I found myself smiling too.   

“I bet I could help with that,” Cameron said, smiling at me with his amber colored eyes. “I know a lot of constellations and the myths behind them.” With that, he turned his kind face towards the heavens and lifted one of his arms to point at a group of stars. “That right there is Leo, the Lion.” 

 I took a step to the side, closer to him, hoping that I’d see what he was pointing at. 

“Leo the Lion was this crazy strong, basically impossible to kill lion that Hercules had to slay as one of his Twelve Labors.” Cameron said, sounding really excited. 

I scanned the sky, trying to find where he was pointing. “Right there?” I asked, pointing a finger at a clump of stars that looked like it could maybe be a lion. 

Cameron chuckled. “No, no, no,” He said, taking my elbow into his soft hands and moving it over to the right more. He leaned in closer to me so our faces were almost touching and pointed with his hand right next to mine. 

“Right there,” He whispered. “See, those four stars make his body, those five make his head, and that one makes his tail.” 

I finally saw it. I made a noise of excitement at finally finding it and grinned. 

“I see it!” I half-yelled at him. 

He smiled down at me, his eyes filled with something I couldn’t quite name, but still had no problem with.

My heart was still pounding, but this time it was different. 

It was in that exact moment, Cameron and I smiling at each other lightly with a kind of adoration in our eyes, when my phone started ringing. 

I jumped away from him and frantically pulled my phone from my pocket, clicking the green “Accept Call” button as soon as I saw it. I put the call on speakerphone. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to hear the woman with all of the ringing that was in my ears. 

“Hello?” I said into the microphone, my legs starting to shake again. 

“Hello, is this Sadie?” The woman asked, her voice a lot steadier than mine. 

My heart jumped. 

“Y-Yes,” I stammered. “It is.” I felt Cameron’s hand land on my right shoulder, squeezing lightly in support.

“Well, your mom’s surgery went incredibly well, and she should be good to go home in the next couple of days.” 

I let out a long, relieved sigh, my legs still shaking. 

“Thank you so much.” I croaked into the phone, a lump beginning to form in the back of my throat. 

 I hung up and took a deep breath of the air that tasted like salt and turned around to face Cameron. I had a few tears that were still running down my cheeks from how happy I was. He pulled his sweatshirt sleeve over his hand and wiped my face off for me. 

“I’m so happy for you, Sadie.” He whispered before wrapping me in a big hug. I smiled into the crook between his neck and his shoulder, feeling really comfortable.

The two of us stood there for a minute hugging, but I could feel the seagulls staring at us from behind, and that kind of ruined the mood. Plus I could feel my toes starting to get wrinkly, and that was the last thing I needed right now. Wrinkly toes. 

I took a step back from Cameron and looked up at the stars again. They seemed a little bit brighter, almost like they had been waiting to find out about my mom with me. I suppose in some ways they had. 

“So,” I started, wiping my tears away so I could find that lion in the sky again. “Did Hercules kill the lion?” 

Cameron looked at me with a confused expression for a few seconds, his eyebrows furrowed. Then, his eyes widened with excitement and he beamed up at the stars. 

“Oh yeah,” He said, his voice filled with an almost childlike wonder. “He sure did.”