No More Secrets

No More Secrets                                                        

Boarding the bus with only one lightly filled suitcase MaryAnn counted the steps to the driver; there were two.  Anything to keep her mind busy, she reminded herself.  MaryAnn knew busy was her friend at this time.   She was on a journey, alone, scared, unsure, feeling so queasy that she wasn’t sure if the cause was the baby she was carrying or the fear of going to a faraway city to give that baby away.

Now, it was 1951, and the summer was at its peak and coupled with the humidity it was unbearable.  Sitting midway toward the back of the bus, MaryAnn felt the familiar discomfort of the pregnancy including the nausea, exhaustion, and all she could think about was how she let everyone down.  Reminding herself that someday this would just be a memory she could easily put out of her mind was the one thing she held onto.

Just the day before MaryAnn was summoned to the kitchen along with her sister Maureen.  MaryAnn’s Dad, Joseph, a firm but gentle man stood in the corner, while her Mother, Maeve, a stoic Irish woman was sipping her morning tea, nervously wringing her hands.  MaryAnn knew this wasn’t good, and the earth shook below her feet as she asked, “What’s the matter?”.

Without missing a beat Joseph began “MaryAnn, I understand you’re getting sick in the mornings, you’re even walking to the back porch to go outside and throw up”.  At that moment, Joseph looking forlorn he asked, “and why in God’s name do you have a coat on, please take that off”.  The coat cascaded with little effort to the floor and the bump she concealed for weeks was now exposed, bare for all to see.  MaryAnn felt so imperiled, so ashamed, so full of fear.  MaryAnn wished she could have cascaded as easily as her coat did into another world, but it was time for the truth to be revealed.

Joseph moved slowly and lovingly toward his daughter and whispered, “We love you, and you have your entire life ahead of you, come August you will be back to finish your final year and then off to college” were the last words she heard her Dad speak as she made her way up the 16 steps to her room.

Moving along, Maureen always perky and positive began “No one ever needs to know MaryAnn, it will be an adventure”, Maureen assured her.  Somehow, MaryAnn was caught between morning sickness and hurry and just needed to breath, in fact she felt so confined she could barely catch her breath.

Returning from the bus terminal solo Maureen was sternly warned that no one was ever to speak of this again.  Joseph piped up, “The story is that Mary Ann is visiting Cleveland to help Clare with her children.  

Meanwhile, arriving and feeling a bit relieved, yet with a soul steeped in shame and filled with questions, MaryAnn searched for her brother-in-law.  Leon, Clare’s husband waved  up to her, and MaryAnn was so glad to see a familiar face.  He hugged her, welcomed her, assured all was fine and that she had nothing to worry about.  “We are here for you and Mother Rosina even called and your room will be available for you on Monday, the sisters are looking for you to having you there”.  

MaryAnn was petrified how did I end up here?, I want to keep this baby, but I can’t she told herself.  She reminded herself of the reality that this would not be fair to anyone, and certainly would hurt the family name.  

MaryAnn loved her sister Clare the most, and when Clare came running out of the kitchen MaryAnn knew her fears were dissipating one by one; their bond was unconditional.  Clare was the quintessential loving older sister.  Only commenting on the curls in her hair she hugged MaryAnn like she would be content to have her there forever.  That’s the kind of person that Clare was!

Monday came quickly and Leon, not known for his patience, rushed Maryann and her suitcase to the Cadillac that awaited them on Fairmount Boulevard.  From there they took the journey to the Convent of Holy Innocents.   

So, entering they saw Mother Rosina, a rather unfortunate looking sister who greeted them warmly and gave MaryAnn the instructions, rules, and a pair of rosary beads instructing her to pray often for a safe delivery and a healthy baby.  For his part Leon excused himself assuring her he’d see her soon.

 Much to her expectations, the room was sparse: a bed, a desk, a simple chair, a crucifix; two of each, one for her, and the other for her roommate Mary Jean.  Sister Celeste assisted her with unpacking and did all she could to make her feel comfortable.  

By now, MaryAnn was beginning to breathe a little better, when out of nowhere the door flew open and in walked Mary Jean.  Looking a mess, her hair uncombed, 8 months pregnant and  40 years old, MaryAnn’s roommate was a real character.

She began, “Hey there, I’m Mary Jean, my husband brought me here.  See we have five children and he doesn’t want any more so I’m here to give my baby up”, she spoke with tears streaming her cheeks that were red with the reminder of so many evenings filled with crying.

MaryAnn was moved deeply.  “I’m MaryAnn, my parents thought it best for me to come and so I agreed and here I am” she said, as if she had a choice.

“We better get ready for mass; you know they make us go everyday” Mary Jean barked in a resentful tone.  And off they went in silence venturing down the lingering, collosal, expansive hallways toward the chapel to pray in solidarity with all the other unwed mothers, the sinners, the ones who would be judged if anyone ever found out.  Not MaryAnn, she would not be known for that, she would lovingly give her baby away and she was determined to help Mary Jean in any way she could.  

As luck would have it lights out at 8 didn’t allow MaryAnn enough time to set MaryAnn’s hair with sponge rollers, but she rushed and was so happy to see the relief in Mary Jeans eyes when she looked in the mirror to see her hair up in rollers.  Mary Jean was being pampered and loved it.

Come morning, MaryAnn roused Mary Jean, “Come on, let’s see if we can get your hair done before breakfast, and without any effort at all MaryAnn had Mary Jean looking so beautiful they were both brought to tears. They made their way to breakfast where the head cook, Sister Mary Mercy came out and exclaimed, “Wow, look at you Mary Jean, you look so beautiful my child”.  Mary Jean batted her lashes in humility and gave MaryAnn all the credit.

And so, that’s how it went at the convent.  MaryAnn sought those in need of a kind world, a new hairdo, a shoulder to cry on and this kept her from remembering she was also in their shoes.

By mid-August, the 13^thto be exact MaryAnn went into labor and delivered a healthy little boy and secretly named him Joseph, for her father.  She was torn, but strong!  Weeping as she left him the next day with Clare and Leon accompanying her she told them that she was fine, and would be praying every day for Joseph, knowing this was the son she would never hold, nurse, or comfort again.  

The years moved quickly and sixty two years later MaryAnn had a new life, now a widow, and a mother of four, grandmother to one, and also grieving the loss of her youngest son.  Fighting two demons: alcohol and AIDS Philip died in the cold winter of 2003, and through a series of haphazard conversations MaryAnn’s secret came to the forefront.  

The secret was out, there had been another child—it was unspeakable for so long now, her fears were quelled by her loving children and her sisters who only wished her freedom from guilt and shame, and it was finally lifted.  No more Secrets!!!

MaryAnn began speaking to her children about the entire story and it no longer held her down, it allowed her to soar in the freedom of human redemption.  She quickly learned the convent experience, although awful in many ways, taught her life and how to live it in service to others.  Her entire life she took care of everyone; it was the hallmark of her existence.

She wore altruism like a loose garment and silently gave 100% of herself to others.  This all began in Holy Innocents Home for Unwed Mothers and followed her through her entire life.  What a gift? To be able to take the most horrendous of circumstances and put all your energies into others, that was the real secret everyone needed to learn.  MaryAnn taught love and service to all, without ever speaking a word of the true secret, but now she was free!