Doctor RED

It is getting close to the eve of Y2K, and in the land of the clock-watchers all was not well.

Across all the land, the towns, the cities, the whole populace was stirred, in an uneasy feeling which pervades their every waking second. It prolongs into every minute, every waking hour, the uneasy feeling hovers close to their every conscious thought. There is a general feeling of anxiousness that verges on clinical depression. The thought of entering the unknown, for people who are control freaks governed by precision, clock-watchers by nature. Risk averse was the mantra in their lives – this one paced, measured land of clock-watchers. Their lives were now in the shadows of the imminent change to Y2K. With hearts and minds built like clocks, their lives were led along assured guidelines. Everything ran like a clockwork machine, nothing in their lives was out of the ordinary. The extraordinary or unplanned was erased or planned out with counter measures for any eventualities in the most minuscule possible detail. Every measure was used to avoid the unusual, the extraordinary. The extraordinary was banned, not allowed in the land of clock-watchers.

The word surprise was erased from their dictionaries. It was blasphemy to mention the word.

The idea that Y2K might stop the clocks was a thought of horror, a thought to torture the soul, a vision of a fiery hell, an inescapable nightmare for the populace in the land of clock-watchers.

Unfortunately, this nightmare situation was now the endless dread in all the minds of people in the land of clock-watchers. This strangest, most unusual phenomenon was being faced by everyone – a stopped clock on the first chime of midnight on Y2K. To consider the unthinkable; all the clocks stopping, without the continued counting of time. The horrific thought and anxious feeling gripped the entire country with uncertainty. This was entirely a new feeling, and not one person wore the feeling well. It felt like intentionally walking under a ladder for the superstitious. For most it was a feeling of walking blindfold to the edge of a flat earth, before falling into the vast emptiness of space. With every second, minute and hour in the land of the clock-watchers the unknown associated with an extra byte, a newborn digit never used before in clocks, machinery, was about to appear, the birth of Y2K.

The birth of the unknown.

The concern of the people was heightened in a company that transported people and goods around the world. It was a large well-respected company, a leader amongst their peers for their years of efficiency, and on-time performance. The company was run like clockwork, and so the management of the company was significantly concerned about Y2K. The thought of their metal birds full of sensitive and complex apparatus being stalled by Y2K in mid-air flight and dropping from the skies was a nightmare of mammoth proportions. Inconceivable, to the spotless and highly coveted safety record of this company.

The management took a decision to bring the expert of experts, the renowned leader in Risk Management, the highly decorated Professor Doctor Hans Alfred Einstein Reisegefährdung. He lectured worldwide on his approach to take risk out of the equation. His world-famous quote headlined his well-attended sermons on how to live a life with zero risk.

Kein Risiko, nur Belohnung! (No Risk, only Reward!)

His famous, but highly controversial book titled “God was a risk taker!” and “Don’t take risks like God!”, has been translated into more than 50 languages. These books became the bibles of all top executives around the world, in how to manage a risk-free world.

He was the quintessential evangelist for Global Risk Management.

He became the defender, the protector of anxious minds, the safety net for the nervous, agitated and apprehensive souls, against the looming threat of Y2K. He suddenly overnight became the symbol of reassurance, the island of safety in the gathering storm, against the unanswered question on everybody’s minds - would the world live to witness the second after midnight – year 2000.

The ever-present consultant to the leaders of the world, secret advisor to the religious leaders, his profile was more recognized around the world than Messi the footballer. He won awards for the best dressed man, and the sexist academic of the year in minus one Y2K. The latest announcement saw Professor Doctor Reisegefährdung being nominated for the “Most Important person of the century” – the 20^th century.

All agreed; that if the clock struck one second into the 21st century, everybody was certain he would be nominated for the same award in the 21st century.

He had become a global icon, a modern-day Moses of all races and creeds.

The meeting between Professor Doctor Reisegefährdung, and the management team of the company, the owners of the metal birds, took place in a huge meeting auditorium nicknamed the goldfish bowl, because it had a huge open ceiling like a round goldfish bowl. The opening was designed to let natural light into the huge, otherwise dark auditorium.

“I want complete access to every single employee of this company, from top to bottom. There will be no secrets from me and my team of experts.” He waved his hand both left and right to the men and women dressed in suits and ties, and shiny black shoes. On their lapels they all wore a small badge with a symbol “!”, and the words - risk is our business.

“If I or my team see no risk, we will give it a GREEN assignment, if my team finds something that needs further examination, we will assign an AMBER warning, which will be escalated to the managers, and their managers, and we will make a written report. But, IF my team finds something with a RED assignment, we will immediately STOP! We will stop everything!” Professor Doctor paused in his speech, stopping to underline the importance of his words; he looked around the entire auditorium for any appearance of descent, or a defiant word.

No one dared to take the risk to counter Professor Doctor Reisegefährdung.

“Go about your work now and remember these words risk is our business! It’s all our business, to be vigilant.” He finished his speech, and waved his arms at the audience, a sign of dismissal.

The shrill sound of the whistle blast made everyone shudder. It meant that one of Professor Doctor Reisegefährdung’s team had discovered yet another RED occurrence. It was becoming a regular event, the sound of the whistle, and the award of a red card like the referee at a sporting event, with the same consequences. Everyone now had a new concern in the world of clock-watchers, something that eclipsed the concerns of Y2K – it was the award of a RED RISK!

Everything stopped with the discovery of a red risk by Doctor Red, and his team of followers.

Nothing stirred or moved until the RED had been re-assigned to AMBER, or better GREEN.

The overzealous team of Professor Doctor Reisegefährdung would appear or jump out of nowhere with their clipboards in the most unusual places ready to interview their targets. Nowhere was off limits, in the car park, on the bus, sometimes they would come knocking on the door to gain an opportunity to interview an employee, in an unguarded moment, armed with some very personal questions.

“How are you sleeping?”

“How is the relationship with your partner?”

“What do you think about your manager?”

“Have you been overeating, or drinking more alcohol than normal?”

All the answers would be collected and assessed by the risk management team of Professor Doctor Reisegefährdung. The invasion was felt more in the working environment, the risk management team would appear everywhere, meetings, asking questions in the corridors, the coffee stubes, even the toilets, there was no place off limits for the team.

“Have you read the latest bulletin, the daily report from our illustrious Professor Doctor Reisegefährdung? Everyone around here is scared of him and his team with their avid pens and clipboards. They call him Doctor Red, you know!” said the boss of the metal winged birds.

“Which one? There are so many!” Replied the head of operations.

“The RED notice item 103 from yesterday. The interview with the team leader of the altimeter and satellite digital global tracking and time zone apparatus.” Said the boss.

“No. I missed that one. I’m more concerned with the productivity and on-time performance report from yesterday. The report now has us at the bottom of the league on all measures, the worst owner and operator of metal birds in the world, for productivity and on-time performance. Top to bottom place in just a few weeks, it must be a record.” The head of operations said sarcastically.

“The red cards are getting in the way of doing our real business, flying those expensive metal birds!” he concluded.

The boss continued. “In response and the remedy to one of the most critical key figures handling the changes necessary to the digital clock change for all the metal birds.”

“The RED item #103 – Manager taking his problems home to his family and causing stress in the home. SYMPTOM - Unable to sleep properly. Causing stress in the home. REMEDY – Take one week off work with paid leave and return to work after Y2K. Discuss with his wife, to ease the suffering. RED NOTICE changed to AMBER.” The boss recited from the report.

“Sending critical employees’ home until after Y2K! At this rate we won’t have any metal birds to fly in Y2K, problem solved. No metal birds in the sky, means no risk of the metal birds dropping and falling out of the sky.”

“No business – no risk!”

“Risk Management – at its finest!” Both fell about laughing.