Pandemonium

“Is it always going to start out the same way?” I asked, noticing I was the only one in the car.

The rain hitting the roof of the car is so loud I can barely hear myself think, and the clap of thunder and flash of lightning startles me. But I can’t shake this feeling that I was talking to someone about something important when a feeling of fear comes over me that Mathew needs me.  I drive as fast as I dare with the rain coming down in sheets as the fear in me grows with each mile.

As I pull up to our house, I feel no relief seeing Mathew in the garage waiting for me. It’s all I can do to contain myself as I drive in and turn the car off. Mathew greets me with a hug, and feeling his arms around me makes me feel safe, if only for a moment.

“Colin, are you okay?” Mathew asked when he saw the expression on my face.  

“Yes, it’s just this storm,” I said, lying to him.

I can’t shake the feeling of fear and déjà vu, and even though I already know the answer, I am compelled to ask.

“Is Lucy okay?”

“She’s fin. She is looking at a movie, and Felix is freaked out by the thunder and is hiding behind her. Remind me again why we adopted a german shepherd if he needs our five-year-old to protect him?”

As I am about to answer him, the fear ramps up, and all I want to do is run, but I know that it will not help, and I take a deep breath.

“Help me with the groceries?” I ask as I turn to walk to the back of the car, trying to keep control of my emotions.

“Was it crazy at the store?”

As I opened the car’s trunk, I hear heavy breathing and running followed by voices.

“You can’t run forever queer,” I can hear a voice say.

I turn around and stare out into the rain, Mathew put his hand on my shoulder, and I jumped.

“Honey, what’s wrong? Did something happen at the store?”

I turned to answer him, but I was no longer at our house but somehow in the alley near where I grew up. Three boys who bullied me in school were standing in front of me, and my only way out was through them. I did what I always did, I fell to the ground in the fetal position and put my arms around my head to protect me.

“Honey, honey,” I could hear Mathew’s voice calling for me.

I opened my eyes to the terrified eyes of my husband.

“What’s wrong?”

“Sorry, it’s the storm,” I said, getting up.

“Please, tell me, what’s wrong?”

Before I could answer, our daughter Lucy called from the house.

“Nothing, I’ll take care of this. Go see what she wants.”

I could tell Mathew was hesitant, but Lucy called again, and he went back into the house.

It was an odd sensation to be in a house you don’t quite remember with photos I didn’t remember taking. Photos of our wedding, vacations, the day Lucy was born, and a photo of baby Felix. In all of them, I looked so happy. I was happy in a way I couldn’t imagine I would ever be, but the evidence was right in front of me. It was then I had an odd thought that I would’ve loved to live in the world.

I tried to shake off the weird feelings and found Mathew and Lucy in the front room.  The first to greet me was Felix, whose bark made Mathew jump. Then next to Felix wrapped in covers with flannel PJ’s on was my sweet daughter Lucy.

“Hi, Daddy,” Lucy said in a sweet voice. Did you get the stuff for soup and cheesy bread?”

“Of course,” I said. “Were you a good girl while I was gone?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“Lucy,” Mathew said in a stern voice.

“But Poppop,” Lucy said, disgusted at Mathew.

“Just tell me, young lady.”

“It’s just that Felix wants to see the flashing,” she said in a way that melted my heart but also tariffed me that she could be hurt by the lighting that fascinated her.

“We talked about this before I left.”

“I know, but Felix….”

“No but’s. Felix is hiding behind you because of the flashing and doesn’t want to see it. Any way you could get hurt.”

“Alright,” she said, defeated.

She motioned for me to bend down and then gave me a kiss that filled me with a joy I hadn’t thought was possible.

Mathew met me in the kitchen as I was making dinner, “I did as you asked and found a documentary on lighting to surprise Lucy at dinner.”

“Great, now if I could get your help so we can get it cooked before we lose power.”

I was so happy to be cooking for my family but sad at the same time. It was something about the soup, but I wasn’t quite sure what.

That night with my family cuddled on the couch, I watched the magical twinkle in Lucy’s eyes as she watched a documentary on lighting.

“Isn’t beaudtiful Daddy and Popop,” she said.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think this much happiness could be possible. Lucy was fast asleep by the time the documentary ended the third time.

“I’ll put her to bed, and then you and I can have some adult time,” Mathew said, kissing me.

“That sounds amazing, but do you mind if I put her to bed?”

“Not at all.”

I picked up my little angel and carried her to her bed with Felix right behind me. I put her in her bed and, Felix got on the bed, and after checking to see Lucy was okay, he laid down. I leaned in and gave her a good night kiss, and she opened her sleepy eyes.

“Daddy, thank you so much.”

“Your welcome. Now go to sleep.”

“But I want to look at it again,” Lucy said, trying to keep her eyes open.

“Tomorrow. Now it’s time for sleep.”

I closed the bedroom door, but when I turned, I found an empty house. I wasn’t sure what had happened, and I turned to go back and saw a woman in white.

“What’s going on?” I asked in a panic, wondering if Lucy was okay. “You can have whatever you want; just leave my daughter alone.”

“Don’t you recognize me, Daddy?”

“Lucy? But you are so much older.”

“I know you’re confused, but this next part will help,” Lucy said.

The room changed, and Lucy disappeared. I could hear the sound of the boys chasing me and calling me names. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears and feel the pain of every kick as they beat me for being different. I found myself face to face with a younger me, black and blue, eating a bowl of soup and cheese bread on my bed. This was the day I decided I had had enough and didn’t want to go on, and I watched as I took a handful of pills. As the life was pulled out of my body, this pain came over me, and I noticed Lucy in the room.

“I get it. I’m ready to wake up,” I shouted.

“You are not asleep. In case you weren’t paying attention, you took your own life.”

“I didn’t die. I saw my memories of you as a little girl and Mathew.”

I found myself standing in a cemetery looking at my headstone with Lucy standing next to me in a blink of an eye.

“No, this can’t be true. My… our house and Popop,” I stammered.

“That was an echo of things that could have been if you had not taken your own life.”

The grief and devastation rolled over me like a black wave, and I fell under its weight to the ground. I was just about to give up all hope when I thought she must be showing me things to help me fight my way back to life.

“Okay. I get it. You just showed me what could be, so I’ll take a new direction in life when I wake up. You know, like the movies.”

“No. This is not like the moves. What you did comes with consequences.”

“But I’m sure my mom must have found me. I can’t be dead. I’m in my room just sleeping and dreaming this.”

“You are dead. You made a decision, and sometimes you just can’t go back.”

“No. No. My mother will come in and find me.”

“ Your mother was talking to the police and the school about the boys that did this to you. See, you were not the only one they beat up that day. There was another, and he was not as lucky as you.  He died in the hospital about an hour before you took your own life.”

“I was lucky! I don’t think you understand just how bad those boys tormented me at school. How, how many times they kicked me in the balls. Or the fact that several teachers told me to stop complaining because it was just part of growing up. I was in such pain, and I just wanted it to stop.”

“I’m sorry to tell you, but taking your own life didn’t stop the pain, as you can see.”

“I wouldn’t have gotten better, so pain here or there, I guess it doesn’t matter.

“After you and the other boy died, the school started an investigation, and two teachers lost their job, and the boys punished.”

“No. this can’t be happening. It’s just a dream. I just need to wake up.”

“This is no dream. This is your punishment for taking your life.”

“Punishment?”

“Do you have any idea how many people your death affected?”

“Three maybe four.”

“Hundreds. Your mother stopped doing her charity work and spent most days drinking, which has affected many people. That documentary on lighting would ignite a passion for science that would stay with me my whole life, but you’re not around to give me life. The story of that night would be told over and over, but sadly that will never happen. You and Popop will never see me get married and have kids because I will never be born now.”

The thought of a world without Lucy or Mathew was hard to think about.

“What happened to Mathew?”

“He is not doing so well. He has spent years dating men and not finding you.”

“So, if I hadn’t killed myself, all that I was shown would have happened?”

“I wish I could tell you, yes, but life comes with very few guarantees.”

“What is all this for?”

“It’s part of your punishment. You will relive this day for the number of years you would’ve been alive. I’m sorry, but our time is up.”

“I just have one last question.”

Everything went dark.

“Is it always going to start out the same way?” I asked, noticing I was the only one in the car.

The rain hitting the roof of the car is so loud I can barely hear myself think, and the clap of thunder and flash of lightning startles me. But I can’t shake this feeling that I was talking to someone about something important when a feeling of fear comes over me that Mathew needs me. I drive as fast as I dare with the rain coming down in sheets as the fear in me grows with each mile