Relapse

The brussels sprouts were large, firm, and fresh. Melissa nearly squealed with delight when she saw them, with good reason. She had been to three grocery stores so far, and none of the previous brussels had passed her careful scrutiny. The first ones had been limp and nearly wilted. Those in the second batch had been far too small. But these - these were magnificent.

Checking the time on her phone, Melissa realized she had been shopping for longer than she intended. She loaded the brussels sprouts into her basket and hurried to the cash register.

Once home, Melissa laid out each ingredient with care. First, the brussels sprouts, green and leafy. Next, the hearty salmon fillet that had cost her more than she was eager to admit. The salmon was followed by five carefully selected golden potatoes - perfect for mashing. Finally, an array of fresh herbs and spices that would have been better suited to the kitchen of a gourmet restaurant than that of her studio apartment.

Gazing at the bounty in front of her, Melissa allowed her mind to wander momentarily. Fragmented images filled her head. A crowded party. More than one glass of wine. Eyes meeting across a crowded room. Sparks.

Then, other memories began to cloud the happy ones. The finding of the wedding ring. Late-night calls kept secret. Clandestine meetings, each one “the last time”. An ultimatum. A broken heart.

A knock at the door startled Melissa out of her reverie. Panicking, she checked the time again. Five o’clock. He wasn’t supposed to be here for another hour. The food wasn’t ready, nor was her appearance. As she crossed from the kitchen to the door, Melissa prayed she would see anyone but him standing on her doorstep.

“I’ve come to talk some sense into you.”

Anyone but her.

Jeanie muscled her way into the apartment without waiting for an invitation. On any other day, and under any other circumstance, this would have been a nonissue. Jeanie was Melissa’s best friend, and had been for years. She was as welcome in Melissa’s home as her own family - more so, in fact. But not today.

“I don’t have time for this,” Melissa responded flatly. She closed the door anyway, returning to the kitchen and the matter at hand. Melissa knew that Jeanie was going to have her say, but she didn’t have to let it interrupt her preparations.

Jeanie attempted to adopt a sympathetic tone, but she lacked practice in the art and sounded sarcastic instead.

“You’ve done so well this past year. You can’t fall back into this again.”

Melissa sighed as she began seasoning the fish. “It’s just dinner,” she reasoned, but even as the words left her mouth, she knew Jeanie wouldn’t believe her any more than she believed herself.

“It’s never ‘just’ anything with Caleb.”

Melissa winced. For months, there had been an unspoken agreement not to say his name. Not through tears, not during rants, not even whispered during late-night phone calls. And although Jeanie’s exterior was rough, her desire to protect Melissa’s feelings was fierce, and she had complied. Until now.

“Look at you - you can’t even stand to hear his name. Caleb. Caleb!” Jeanie knew she was being hurtful, but she had come here for a reason, and she was not going to let up until she had made her point.

“Enough!” Melissa snapped back, forcing her gaze to remain fixed on the food in front of her so Jeanie would not see the tears forming. “That’s enough.”

“Yes,” Jeanie agreed. “It is. It’s enough. It’s time to move on.”

“It’s. Just. Dinner,” Melissa repeated through clenched teeth. The more she said the words, the more she could almost force herself to believe that she was strong enough to make them true. “I’m not going to fuck him on the dining table.”

“Of course not,” Jeanie replied matter-of-factly. “It isn’t big enough. You’ll take him to bed.”

Melissa slammed her hand down on the counter and spun around to face her friend. Jeanie’s face was stoic. She betrayed no emotion, which only fueled Melissa’s rage.

“Do you think so little of me?” she demanded. “Do you think I have no self control at all?”

Jeanie sighed. “You know that isn’t it.”

“What then?”

Jeanie floundered momentarily. The next part was the hardest for her to say, but they had finally reached the purpose of her visit.

“I have been by your side for the past year. I picked up the pieces of you he left behind. I watched you hurt and cry and lose sleep and lose weight. And I can’t watch you do it again. I love you too much to see you go through that again.”

Melissa blinked in quiet surprise. Such declarations were out of character for Jeanie, who usually spoke in short, blunt assertions. Emotional outbursts were not her forte.

“I…it won’t be like that,” Melissa replied lamely. Jeanie sighed.

“Is there anything I can say to change your mind about this?” she asked. She had done her best to regain her controlled tone, but her eyes were pleading. Melissa shook her head firmly.

“I have to do this. I at least have to find out what he wants.”

Jeanie closed her eyes, and for a moment, both women were silent. Melissa watched with bated breath. She waited anxiously for the next blow, but it never came.

“Fine,” Jeanie said suddenly, her eyes snapping open. She crossed swiftly to the door and opened it. Melissa felt a pang of regret in the pit of her stomach, but it was too late. She had made her decision, and she would not be swayed at this late hour.

Jeanie stepped over the threshold, but at the last minute, she paused and turned back, Her expression was soft once more. “You know where I’ll be,” she finally offered, and no further explanation was needed. Melissa smiled as the relief washed over her. The door closed after Jeanie, and Melissa returned her attention to the food still splayed across the counter.

The next half hour passed in quiet reflection. Jeanie’s words swam around in her head. Memories continued to plague her, accompanied by emotions she still couldn’t process, even after a year of recovery. The thrill of the affair. The explosion of passion when their bodies came together. The fear of discovery, mixed with the knowledge that if they were discovered, if the secret were revealed, maybe they could finally move forward. The anxiety when she gave him the final choice. The feeling of indescribable loss when his choice disappointed her.

Once dinner was in the oven, it was time to make herself presentable. Melissa promised herself that she wasn’t trying to impress Caleb. She would want to look her best for anyone coming over for dinner, wouldn’t she? And the lingerie set, the one she had just happened to buy after receiving his call last week, was a secret just for her. Wasn’t it?

As Melissa put on a shade of lipstick that was just a little too red for a friendly encounter, she went over the conversation in her mind. She had already analyzed every word, and yet she hoped in vain that going over it again might yield some understanding she had yet to achieve.

His tone had been light, his words vague. He wanted to see her, to catch up and say hello. He didn’t even mention the affair or his wife. Had he left her? Had she left him? Was this truly just a casual chat, or was there something sinister lurking beneath the surface?

Just as Melissa finished the final stroke of her mascara, another knock came. This time, she was sure it was him, although she couldn’t quite say how. It wasn’t just that this was the right time, either. It was something in the way that he knocked. Something familiar told her there was only one person who could be standing outside her door.

She lingered in front of the mirror for a breath, smoothing her dress and fussing with a lock of hair. Turning slowly, she took a deep breath and closed the gap between herself and the door.

Trying to steady her shaking hand, Melissa reached out and turned the doorknob. Seconds later, for the first time in a year, she found herself face to face with the man who had broken her heart.