Local Matters

[Note to readers: This is loosely based on genuine news items recorded on the day in question.]

LOCAL MATTERS

Buckeye Valley News, Buckeye, Arizona, 18 April 1935

To Peoria Sunday--

Mr. and Mrs. Phillip Anderson and children, Alison and David, of San Fernando, Calif., motored to Peoria Sunday and visited Mrs. Andersons sister, Mrs. H. L. Lovett and family. The visit was described as "unexpected," as the two sisters have been distant for many years, an event stemming, it is believed, from the ill-fated Easter Service debacle of 1928. Recent reports of "undirected, violent riots" in San Fernando might have played a part in driving the Andersons from their home town, if only for a day. Mrs. Anderson reportedly dressed in the latest fashions, despite questions around the family's ability to afford such tasteful clothing. There is no word on when the Andersons are expected to return, although it is the belief of this publication that their welcome will wear thin very quickly.

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Down With Mystery Illness--

Alexander Martins is confined to bed with a mysterious illness. Friends and family of Master Martins are advised to take precautions when visiting to prevent the ailment spreading. Dr. Carl Jameson has been seen at the home of young Alexander on numerous occasions. Several unconfirmed reports of doctor's visits to Alexander's classmates have also been reported. Symptoms include graying skin, a slack jaw, vacant expression, drooling, and physically violent outbursts. Alexander spent time with several foreign children who visited last week. It is believed that he contracted the mystery illness from them. Dr. Jameson, along with your loyal servants at this publication, warn against consorting with strangers and encourages parents to report additional outbreaks of the illness as quickly as possible. Dr. Jameson may seek advice from medical practitioners in nearby towns who are experiencing a similar outbreak.

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Visit to Phoenix--

Mrs. Elizabeth Minsch, accompanied by her little granddaughter, Amy Smith, motored to Phoenix and spent Saturday night and Sunday with her sister, Mrs. James Gainsworth. The visit was cut short when an unruly mob swarmed the surrounding area, forcing Mrs. Minsch to return home. Mrs. Minsch intends to write a strongly worded letter to the local constabulary as well as medical experts regarding the disheveled and unhealthy appearance of the rioters, one of whom bit little Amy. Unacceptable behavior such as this is a sign of declining morals in the youth and a strong warning to God-fearing citizens to guard against evil influences entering the home. Several arrests were made, many of them men and women local to the Phoenix area who had collectively lost sight of their restraint and civility. Police response was described as slow and sluggish with insufficient officers sent to the scene to truly put the matter to rest.

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Treasure Hunt--

Miss Florence Howard's plans to entertain her dramatics arts students with a treasure hunt this Thursday evening have been cancelled due to a heavily contagious illness that has swept through the class. Despite several students taking to the streets and behaving like common drunkards, even violently at times, Miss Howard indicated her intention to reschedule once everyone is feeling themselves once more. Should Miss Florence's program continue to turn out dangerous individuals, she will likely face strong questioning and be asked to leave town, while the youngsters in question will be gently shepherded toward more appropriate pursuits.

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Buckeye Cleaners, one door north of post office, can handle any stains, whether wine, blood, or other bodily fluids! Inquire within. adv.

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Dinner Guests--

Mr. and Mrs. Harry Jones entertained estranged daughter, Mrs. Adele Harrison, and husband, for dinner this Friday. The long-awaited reunion was ruined by an angry outburst from Mr. Harrison, who is reported to have attacked his father-in-law and other members of the household, behaving "like a rabid dog." The ill-fated party ended with the entire family retreating to their beds to recover. Ms. Gertie Brown of the ladies of the Catholic Altar Society intends to visit the afflicted this week, as determined at a poorly attended meeting of said society Tuesday afternoon. The visit will take place regardless of concerns around Mr. Harrison's behavior and his suspected connections with foreign entities. It remains the duty of the ladies of the Catholic Altar Society to selflessly serve the unfortunate. Ms. Brown will provide additional information on the situation as soon as she is able.

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Employed at City Cleaners--

Robert Mullins is employed at the City Cleaners and will assist on the steam press. Mr. Mullins is filling one of the many vacancies experienced by this establishment. City Cleaners boss, Mr. Frederick McNally, reports a sudden and unacceptable rise in absenteeism and laments the tendency of his employers to participate in the recent scourge of disorderly behavior in public spaces. Laziness and unruliness are a symptom of low morals and godlessness, and Mr. McNally would be wise to investigate in what ways his establishment might be contributing to the behavior of his employees. For Mr. Mullins, this job represents a reprieve after a lengthy period of unemployment.

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Agency for Avon Products

Mrs. J. K. Masterson is now agent for the Avon Products, taking the place of Mrs. Edward Fuller who left early last week when Mr. Fuller experienced a breakdown at his office and attacked three other employees. The attack was described as brutal, leaving two of the victims in hospital nursing their infected wounds. The Mastersons have retreated to Flemington, Mo., to avoid further publicity and scandal. Despite her time as a nurse, it is unclear whether Mrs. Masterson has the skills needed to care for her husband's affliction. Alcohol is the suspected cause, although the general declines in civilized society repeatedly reported in this publication may also be at fault.

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Enjoyed Party--

The Freshmen class and their sponsors, Miss Grayson and Mr. Tillet, enjoyed a party at the high school Friday, April 12. A good time was had during the first part of the event, although Mr. Tillet was required to intervene later in the evening when a Certain Young Man attempted to bite several of his classmates. While the youth will go unnamed at this time, his behavior should stand as a warning to local parents who believe that sending their children to poorly chaperoned parties is a wise decision. A visit to the culprit's home was met with extreme hostility on the form of an unanswered knock at the door.