Alcohol

I’m a bookworm, a bookaholic, I have a paper nose.   I use my pick up lines at the library, not bars.   I decided to start with the A authors in the fiction section.   Fiction is alphabetized by authors’ last names.   So, I start with Douglas Adams ‘ Hitchhiker’s trilogy, which is five books.  My sixth grade teacher always told me to read the book before watching the movie(s).   Then, as I’m sure you know, it gave “the meaning of life, the universe, and everything . . . 42”.   That and drinking is a theme throughout these books.  So, after the first chapter of the first of the five trilogy, I check out the books and read them at home.  Eat, read, sleep, make a living, repeat.   What I do for a living is put screws into modules.   Watching grass grow would be more exciting.   So, I listen to books on tape on apps on my phone.  But, then it starts happening:   The book on tape is Sherman Alexie and it talks about drinking since one of the stereotypes of native Americans is they’re all alcoholics.   Put in screws to the rhythm of the background music.   I get a lunch break and microwave my lunch.  Getting sick of Alexie, so I switch to Theodore Geisel.   Nothing about alcohol there, right?   I read the one where the kid sees things on Malesberry Street.  But, I start thinking about it and I think the main character is having DT, he’s a young drunk.  

     Come on, I’m not even an alcoholic.  What the hell’s going on?   I get back to work.  Put another screw in, listen to the Alexie.  Taboo sex, alcohol, Native American stereotypes, alcohol, a guy seeing his reflection in a beer, alcohol.  

      So, I switch books, I got a billion books in my cell phone.  I ask it to pick a random book.   I get “My name is Bill W”.   I never even heard of this guy.   So, I start listening and it’s about the guy who started Alcoholics Anonymous.   Great.   Whiat the hell’s going on?   I hit the random button again and I get David Foster Wallace’s “Infinite Jest”.  It’s a weird book with billions of foot notes the author wrote himself.  Why?   My job is more exciting than these footnotes.   But, one of the brothers in this piece of shit, is a drug addict and alcoholic.   Gotta think.   Why?   So, I look up a book I know won’t be about alcohol or drugs.   “Robert’s Rules of Order:   Fourth Edition”.   this book makes my job look interesting.   It’s beyond boring.   Like reading an instruction manual.   At least it isn’t about getting high.  

    Or is it?   I get to the section about what to do if someone is being disruptive during a meeting.  Tell the individual they “are out of order” and to have a seat.   If the individual is intoxicated or high on drugs, you may have to call the police to get them to shut the fuck up.  Really, swearing in this piece of shit?”   Shuffle.  Hit shuffle again.  Come on, there has that be one fucking book in the world that isn’t about booze, right?   Right.  

    So, I think about what to do.   I figure maybe I need to take a break from reading for an hour or two.   Watch some TV or turn on the radio.  So, I figure I’ll turn on the TV.   So, I put on something boring.   C-SPAN.   What could be more boring than C-SPAN?   I hear the idiots talk about a house bill with money for foreign aid, but the bill has pork.  Of course it does.   Then, it goes to a commercial and it’s for Budweiser.   What the fuck?  I turn it off, take a few deep breaths and turn on NPR.  More interesting than C-SPAN and beer, right?   Then, the DJ says there’s a bill on the table about lowering the drinking age in Nevada to 18.  What the fuck?  

       I turn off the radio and meditate.  Maybe quieting my mind will work.  I stare at the wall.   There used to be a lot of things in this home before we broke up.  And then I realize where I’m staring is where the bar used to be.  Fuck!   I turn around.   Can’t go to the supermarket since there’s booze there, can’t gas up the car, since every gas station has booze, can’t go out to eat since someone might be drinking next to me, can’t even walk down the street since I’m bound to run into an alcoholic and that’s booze again.   So, I head back to the library and return my books.   Then, I tell the librarian what the problem is and ask for her advice.  She thinks and we go to the non-fiction section for children and the children’s movies.   Can’t even watch Dumbo because of the pink elephant scene.   Damn it.  

      So, we settle on Charlotte’s Web, the Lion, the Witch, and the wardrobe, and other innocent kids books.   I take them home and start reading White.   On the surface, it appears to be an innocent story, but a talking pig, a spider that can spell?   Maybe White was drunk when he wrote this.  No, maybe it’s me.   The first step is admitting I’m an alcoholic, but I’ve never had trouble with drinking.   No ones ever told me I have.   Maybe someone’s pulling my leg ?   But, who?   Who could control all these things?   Unless I’m dreaming?   I pinch myself, it hurts.   I’m not dreaming.  

     Remember, don’t focus on what I don’t want, focus on what I do want.  Remember or try to forget.   How do people forget?   Through alcohol.   Son-of-a-bitch.  Why not try running toward the roaring lion?   So, I print up a list of mocktales.   Things like a Shirley Temple, Virgin on the Beach and I see the morons waddling to the bathroom, puking in the backyard of the bar, fist fighting over bullshit.   So, I go back home and I forget about my foe of alcohol and it forgets about me.   I drown myself in my books, instead of alcohol, and that’s how I avoid reality.  Book, busy, book, but no booze.   No booze, no cigarettes, no crack, just books.  I’m not a drug addict, I’m not an alcoholic, I’m a book addict.  I’m a book addict.   Then, I don’t have to face reality.  

     But, maybe I’m a book addict.  Is there a book called “Book Addicts Anonymous”.   Wouldn’t that be hypocritical?   But does it really matter?   If I give up books, I’ll just pick up a different addiction and a different one.   I need a lobotomy.  Or the twelve steps or something.  Maybe there’s a book about that.  Maybe.  Just maybe.