Forbidden Love for My "Straight" Best Friend

Dear Journal. 06.05.16

Today was awful and painful again, not physically but one hundred percent emotionally. I hate this feeling; wish it would just go away. Why cant I be like the other guys why cant I like girls in the way they do. I hate myself I hate that I like him, as more than a friend as more than my best friend. I love him and i don't understand why? Im so confused have i always been like this? Have i just ignored it until now? Oh god he can never know how I really feel he'd hate me he would never speak to me again. I couldn't handle that I'd literally die if that happened he's my only friend. He's the only person at school that even at least pretends to like me I cant ruin that. I'll just keep hiding how i feel and hopefully I'll just get over it.

Dear Journal. 06.06.16

Today wasn't so awful I kept my distance from him as best i could while hard I felt better knowing i wasn't lying to his face all day I'm really starting to hate myself more and more wish I could make these feelings go away. Oh crap he's calling me!! What do i do?

I answered. He was upset. He noticed I had been avoiding him all day and was confused as to why? He thought he did something to upset me and was genuinely concerned. But why? He's never shown that level of concern towards our friend ship before. Why now?

Dear Journal. 06.07.16

He rushed to find me the second I arrived at the school he looked as if he'd been crying and now I was genuinely concerned i've never seen him cry before he always seems so put together, or tough' maybe even impervious to emotions. I don't know why i thought these things he is a teenage boy as well. Hormonal and confused with a sprinkle of stress just like the rest of us. Well any way he came charging up to me tears strolling down his face like they were taking a walk through the park. He looked at me in the eyes and said "what did I do"? He said this with such intensity it was like a slap in the face from the Hulk. I was shocked at his level of emotion I had to take a step back. Then it all just came flowing out my mouth like a water fall made up of all my inner term oil. When i finished spewing every thought and feeling in my head we both just stood still saying nothing, not breathing, not blinking, and it was left at that he said nothing to me the rest the day. I was right he hates me he'll never speak to me again. I should just never go back to school I'll just lay in bed the rest of my life.

Dear Journal. 06.08.16

Mom says I have to get out of bed and go to school. I tried playing sick but she saw right through me a said "get your tiny hiney out the bed and get ready for school". So reluctantly I'll be going to school. I dread this day.

Well Journal today had the strangest plot twist. When I pulled into the parking lot he was there waiting for me! I started to panic a lot and i think he noticed cause he ran over to my car and pulled the door open with a force greater than that of gravity itself. I couldn't breathe tears were streaming down my face I didn't know what to do, but he did. He grabbed my face between his palms looked me in the eyes with a tenderness is never seen, and then to my surprise he whispered "I love you too" then proceeded to kiss me gently on the lips. I calmed down instantly, and kissed him back. It was like time slowed and then someone set off fire works. This... This is what I had dreamed of and it was perfect. When he pulled back he apologized for they way he reacted and told me that he just didn't know what to say in the moment. He then grabbed my hand and pulled me from the car and walked me to class; never once letting my hand go. Not even when his football buddies started cracking jokes. I got embarrassed and tried to pull away, but his response to them and to me blew my mind he turned around faced them them grabbed me by the waist pulled me in and kissed me hard like a scene right out a romance movie. They instantly stopped laughing and stood in awe. Whilst the cheerleaders starting screaming in delight; when he pulled away he looked at them and with a confidence that would scare Thanos said "got a problem" and with that he claimed my hand in his once more and continued walking me to class. I didn't want this to end so when we reached my first period class room I said do it again he looked at me confused, but a loom of realization came across his face then he leaned in and kissed me again. After what felt like an eternity the bell rang and he slowly pulled away. As i walked into class I couldn't think about anything else. The way his lips felt pressed against mine, the way his hand felt clasped around mine, and the way his body felt pressing against me was just to much to process so I just left class I gathered my things stood up swung my back pack on to my shoulder and with out a second thought walked out and ran down the hall till I reached his first period class. I yanked the door open walked to his desk completely ignoring the teacher crabbed his hand and draged him out of class and with no explanation we walked (well almost running) hand in hand to my car I unlocked it tossed my stuff in the back and told him to get in.

He did with out question he just got in the car. I peeled out of the school parking lot before security had time to stop us and we just drove off and skipped the rest the day and just hung out together for the first time as a couple. It was the most magical day; untill I got home. My Mom was furious, but i explained the whole thing to her and she calmed down and simply said don't let this happen again and then hugged me and said im so happy for you. So that was my day I hope he enjoyed the day as much as i did.

Cant wait to see what tomorrow will look like.