In a flash of lightning

She sat, her back against the window frame, gazing at the empty street.

What a huge amount of nothingness.

She had watched the street lamp turn on and illuminate the little patch of rain underneath it. The sound of raindrops crashing against the pavement resounded with the emptiness inside her, each drop like a small crack on her soul. She blew out a puff of smoke and turned her eyes towards the larger nothingness that was the sky.

Dark, absolute blackness, stretching on and on into endless emptiness.

A lock of her dark blonde hair fell in front of her face and obscured the lamppost transporting her outside. She was dancing between the raindrops, worries forgotten, her soul intact. Then she was back, her elbow cold from being pressed against the icy window. She rubbed it absently and sucked in a lungful of smoke from her cigarette.

The curtain of rain was lit as a lightning bolt flashed across the sky and in that brief second she saw the whole street, the houses, the lawns. The forgotten bike that someone abandoned a few years ago. She felt a strange kinship to that old bicycle.

Both unwanted, no longer useful, chucked away, tagged as trash…maybe there’s a place for the ones who don’t belong…

She blinked as the thunder shook her eardrums and then blew out the smoke in small rings that crashed against the window.

The sound of falling rain became louder, a muffled loudness. A tear made its way across her cheek as she looked on. Picking up the hot mug of coffee she sighed. It was bitter; she liked it that way, kept things grounded.

Life is bitter after all. Joy…I’m in a long distance relationship with joy.

She chuckled again and puffed at her cigarette.

I wonder what it’s like to fall freely from the sky, one of many, all going the same direction, having the same purpose…

She watched a rain drop slide down the window leaving a trail of water behind. The lightning flashed again and she spotted an old oak tree that the neighbors had plated ages ago.

I used to climb up that tree when I was a kid. I never wanted to go back inside, before computers, before the internet. We had a group, we used to run up and down this street all day, climb that tree, have fun. ‘Little monkey’ my dad used to…

She stiffened then shook her head, relaxing. The thunder boomed across the neighborhood, loud as a canon shot. She blew out the smoke and let the ash fall in the ash tray she was holding between her legs. Remembering the cup of coffee she took another swig and screwed up her face then smiled.

Ah, the nectar of the gods…

The lightning illuminated the old broken down swing across the street and she was sucked back into one of her childhood memories again.

I used to rush outside and swing for hours…

She laughed.

How the hell did I manage not to get dizzy? I mean, if I tried that now…

She stopped smiling.

Now…live the moment…ha! What a load of crap…

Blowing out a smoke ring she turned back to the window as the thunder boomed above.

God I hate being alone, we’re not meant to be alone, humans, I think it’s something in our DNA or whatever. We’re pack animals, –she smiled weakly- we were pack animals, now…

Another lightning bolt split the sky and her eyes fell on the sidewalk where she had learned to ride a bike. She smiled again.

That was a fun day. A new bike, a present for my fifth birthday, I think. I ran outside…I was so excited to get going, so afraid as well. Mother was…

Her smile faltered and she turned to the window waiting for the thunder. It came and shook the window slightly.

What happened to that little girl full of dreams and hope I wonder? Where did she go? Does it matter? I could never be that innocent girl again, not now…

She puffed at the cigarette and focused on a dark spot in the distance. The lightning came and she got a glimpse of a small garden.

Miss Careshire always wanted a small garden, when did she plant it? She used to go on and on about that perfect garden she will plant in the back yard. ‘Tulips, roses and lavender’, she would always say whenever she’d visit us. She used to pat me on the head and turn to my mother…my mother…

She took in a deep breath and let it out with a sigh then lifted the mug to her lips.

Life really sucks…can’t wait to get outside, just to be surrounded by people again, at least then I can pretend I’m not alone. What a sorry existence…

She swallowed and shook her head. The rain was still pounding against the window and she waited for the lightning to come to take her back to another happy memory but it didn’t.

Maybe I should get a cat, keep me company and all that. Maybe I should get more cats. I could get twenty cats, call them my babies, name them Carol and Timmy. Kids won’t walk passed my door, they’ll run. ‘Run away from crazy cat lady!’ they’ll shout.

She chuckled and sucked in another mouthful of smoke.

Ah, F.R.I.E.D.S. I should watch that show again, feels appropriate at the moment.

In the distance the clouds parted and a ray of moonshine hit her window making the raindrops shine like small diamonds. The rain was still falling calm and steady. She looked up.

People used to think you were Athena or Artemis. I see the appeal in that, it lets you dream, makes things exciting, if the white orb in the sky is a goddess then our life can be whatever we want, we can do the impossible.

Her face fell.

But you’re not a goddess, you’re just a piece of cold rock, nothing exciting about you and nothing exciting about life, you can’t do the impossible. I know. I’ve tried…

She put out her cigarette and left the window frame.