I Tried

It was over. The life I had once known was gone. I didn't know how to react. Should I be relieved, confused or upset? Relieved, because of the constant desperation for it to be over. Confused, because it all happened so abruptly. Upset, because I was going to miss those certain moments in my life before.

I like to think that I am happier now, that I am free. This was the change I felt I needed. The fresh start I desired. I couldn't continue to keep going, to keep getting back up. I was tired. I needed something different. And death was definitely that.

I felt the air on my balding spot in the middle of my head. I saw the lights from the people awake in their apartments and the cars down below. I always had passed this bridge on my way to work. I never thought it would be the last thing I stood on in this city. I never liked it that much, it was cracked and dull, but it fit in well with this place..

My lungs were scratchy from me rapidly breathing in the cold night air. My heart was pounding. I wasn't scared. Not of death anyways, I was terrified of leaving the world. with no one in it that cared if I was gone. That was how my mindset was, anyways. No one loved me. I was alone. I was worthless. No one cared. And heights were one of my biggest fears. But my biggest one of all was change.

I had a grip on my life. A loose one, but it was something. I was holding on, trying to keep myself from falling. I was alone, in pain, but I was still going. The strong little kid in me was still there somewhere and that's what I needed to focus on.

I didn't smile much, I never laughed, but I was still here. I was doing what I could. I focused on the small good moments I had and never let go of that. Because without those, I had nothing. And I was afraid that if I lost those streaks of light, I wouldn't make it.

Everything was shit. I was lying on the kitchen floor, cuddling with a half empty box of old pizza and a few bottles of beer. I didn't know what day it was, but every day was worse than the other.

My last text to my parents was over two years ago, the girl that I fell in love with and who was my everything, left my heart scarred and the career that I busted my ass for and was my step to making my mark, was now gone. It was all gone and I felt myself crumbling.

I smashed anything I could manage to in my apartment, because I knew that was something I would soon lose, too. I was helpless, my life was falling apart and I had no control. I couldn't remember the last time I cried, and now I was crying everyday. I was stuck in this darkness I couldn't get out of. All the light in my life was drained away in a matter of a year.

I did it. I reached my destination. The destination I never knew I wanted to strive for, until a few months ago. Now, everything was perfect. I never liked using that word, because I didn't believe in it. But I did now. I was married to someone I could never imagine my life without, I wasn't a total disappointment to my parents and now I had a job that I was dedicated to. I felt like I haven't let down the little kid that I once knew. I was making a life for myself and now on the path to making my mark on the world, like my mom always told me I would.

College was the best time of my life. Everyone has their label and mine was a partier. The blurred, but crazy nights really emphasized how much I didn't care. I was focused only on the present. I had no goals, but I was having a good time and that was good enough for me. It wasn't the parties that made my time in college so great, though. It was because I met her. Sara Davis. The green-eyed brunette that became the love of my life. Nothing seemed important, before I met her.

My parents basically forced me to go to college. I was eventually going to drop out. I hated school, always had. But I kept going with it, studied and made plans for a future career. And it was because of her. I guess you could call her my inspiration, my parents would probably call her my savior. It's true, she did save me then.

I never had many friends in high school, or in my earlier school years. I liked it that way. I preferred to be alone. That way, I only had to take care of myself, I wasn't responsible for anyone else. Taking care of myself was even a difficult task for me. Got in trouble a lot; suspensions, close to expulsion, detentions I lost count of, and many principal office visits. I wasn't the best kid, but I managed.

I wasn't athletic, wasn't smart, wasn't talented in anyway and I had no plan for my future. I just drifted. No exact destination and no effort to try. I did have something though, I had kindness. My parents raised me to be this nice person. This was good enough for me, because most of the time, being nice gets you places.

I was a happy kid. My parents were always there and they were my everything. They were my best friends, which made up for my other nonexistent friends. I was spoiled, loved and hugged every single day. My dad was a restaurant owner and my mom was in real estate. I aspired to be like them.

Everyone really dreams when they are a child. They let their imagination run to all these magical places. I didn't exactly have this crazy imagination, but I did dream. I wanted to lead, I wanted to make people smile, I wanted to create something great.

I love you Benny, my mom would tell me, I know that you will make your mark on the world. This world needs you. She told me these exact words every so often before bed. And then I would dream, about doing just that.

The light touching my skin, the brightness causing me to squint. I stepped into the grass, with caution. I almost fell a few times and I did fall a lot more than a few. But I never cried and always got back up. My mom would be on one end of the lawn, near the house and my dad was on the other side, near the sidewalk. She was cheering and he was clapping, as I walked in either direction. I always had so much fun doing this. I felt like I was unstoppable. I had accomplished walking and I thought I did something so incredible.

My parents were so proud then. I never gave up, when I was pushed down by the slight wind or my unstable tiny legs. I kept going until I reached my goal; running into their arms.