AS IS

AS IS

‘…This contract involves the sale of a used vehicle and that vehicle is sold ‘AS IS’ with no representation of any warranty, expressed or implied, except as stated in writing.’

A new generation of witches switched from traditional broomsticks to electric ones, but a witch is a hard sell. You need a lot of courage, liquid or otherwise, to stay in this industry. Every manufacturer tried to make sure the law was on their side because in a society of mages, witches saw themselves as above the magical and mundane laws. Witches were the leading demographic in the healthcare and medical industry, and with their titles and reputations preceding them, they knew their worth, laws be damned. Literally.

As curses and hexes were cast on dealerships more frequently, we learned that no matter how many new and old laws we memorized the most sensible thing to do was to remain polite and approachable. For now, I’m the general manager of Rayze. When I was a sales associate, my reputation for being a no pressure sales person meshed well with the dealership’s reputation. 

Rayze pioneered the electric broomsticks that took witches to higher elevations without worrying about harmful UV rays from sun or moon. Fast-reacting protection spells safeguarded against unpredictable weather and environmental collateral. Rayze’s weather prediction technology took witches from hovering over grounded traffic to becoming the motorcycles of the sky. Still, angry buyers appeared as newborn lawyers with their rehearsed scripts about vehicle laws, ready to file a complaint about a recently bought broom. If I had a dollar for every time I heard my manager say “AS IS” to these buyers, I wouldn’t need to work at Rayze anymore.

My manager, Tilda, made me listen to a buyer’s complaint about a sale I recently closed.

“When you flew out of range of the lot, you forgo your rights to a refund, ma’am,” Tilda said while rolling her eyes over the complaint of my customer, Ryujin.

“I’m aware,” said Ryujin. “This isn't my first used broom. It’s my fifth.”

“Are you disappointed with your broom?”

“This isn’t buyer’s remorse. The broom is exactly what I wanted. I’m disappointed I was given a broom missing an essential safety feature: an operating horn. A broom without a horn is illegal to fly.”

Tilda leaned back in her office chair, propping her heels on her desk. “A horn issue isn’t really… catastrophic, is it?” She loved it when sales associates watched her pick her words carefully as a type of training. She called it “biting the tongue with the truth.” For example, saying the missing horn wasn’t “catastrophic” reminded the buyer that the Lemon Law angle won’t work.

“It may not seem catastrophic to you, but I transport clients with disabilities for a living,” continued Ryujin. “After an aggressive air current made me crash, I wanted my next broom to have a more immediate response to weather conditions. That’s why I came Rayze.” 

“Which was very smart, Ms. Ryujin,” said Tilda, “However, the ‘AS IS’ clause states that the vehicle condition after the sale is your responsibility. You were entitled to an inspection before buying the broom and the broom wouldn’t have even been offered if it hadn’t been inspected by our Rayze-certified mechanics. Do you have a warranty on the broom?”

“I don’t think so, but I only wanted a refund because not checking if the horn works during an inspection implies your mechanics may have missed other things.”

Tilda thumbed through the paperwork of Ryujin’s recent purchase. She took pictures of the Buyer’s Guide with her phone and sent them to Ryujin. “You signed the top of it when you came in with your father, remember? It says ‘no warranty’ and you didn’t buy the warranty we offered either”

Ryujin paused. “Well, I definitely forgot I signed that!” She chuckled. “Thank you for sending that, but-“

“Yes, ma’am. We make sure a Buyer’s Guide is given to customers before the sale. It’s the law, after all.”

“Right. Will I receive the inspection report too?”

“Definitely.” 

“Today?”

“I’m looking at it right now. I’ll go over the inspection process and costs with you.” Tilda spoke in detail about how the broom was delivered and handled and listed the cost of each service. This technique was called, “We did our job. Now it’s your problem.”

“That makes me feel a bit better. If the inspection shows the horn was checked, then I’ll let it go. I’m not trying to cause trouble. I’m not one of those witches.” Ryujin said with a nervous, sweet laugh.

“I never thought you were,” said the fake sweetness on Tilda’s tongue. “We just can’t assume whether the horn’s problem is something that happened before the sale or while you flew the broom after the sale. Ask your dad if it’s a blown fuse, honey. He’ll know what to do.”

They ended the call cordially, but Tilda put her phone down without pressing the end call button.

“Every witch wants to be a lawyer until you convince them to keep their day job.” The shift between Tilda’s snark and her scowl made her face droop a bit more than a middle-aged woman’s should. Rumors in the office said a divorce could do that to a person.

“Send her those reports, digital and hard copy, and I swear to the gods if she comes back to apply for broomstick law school with daddy in tow looking for me, consider me at an off-site meeting. Got it? Oh shit!” She finally pressed the end call button and her face drooped even more.

Ryujin was a sweet, logical woman who didn’t take practicality for granted. She jumped on a good deal for her broomstick with a prepared down payment. I wasn’t going to knock her for forgetting that I gave her the Buyer’s Guide and hoped she wouldn’t knock us for our inspection mistakes either. One knock could turn into a hex, but it seemed to me that Ryujin really wanted to keep her day job. 

She transported disabled people for a company that did monthly broom maintenance checks. One too many penalties would get her fired. I thought a witch that cared that much about her job and client’s safety wouldn’t be the type to blackball us, but Tilda had called it. Ryujin’s father marched into the dealership with a dramatic spiel about Rayze’s safety features being false advertising. 

I begged our mechanics to squeeze her in for an appointment that day and got a quote for the diagnosis of the broomstick’s horn and the cost to fix it. The quote was nearly half of Ryujin’s down payment. I could’ve brought up that inflation and tariffs were rampant, but when an angry aura flared from the father’s eyes, I knew he wasn’t going to blame the economy for this.

“I refuse to let you pay that,” said her father.

Ryujin’s eyes were calm, analytical, and matched with a smile that instantly relaxed her father. “It’s still worth it to get a diagnosis,” she said. “I don’t want the appointment to go to waste. You can go home.”

Ryujin and I chatted while her broomstick’s horn was being diagnosed.

“I’m no lawyer nor a mechanic” she said. “There’s no one to blame for this horn problem. It’s just an outdated checklist. A modern inspection checklist has ‘sound horn’ in your advertisements. They didn’t use the same list for my car.”

She was right. Before sending Ryujin the checklist the day before, I looked over the checklist multiple times. Then Tilda told me that I’m not a Rayze-certified mechanic. I gave Ryujin the inspection copy with a bitten tongue. Still, I found her maturity and openness refreshing. My tongue could loosen a bit.

“The newer ones have that overhead visual of the car, right?” I asked.

Ryujin smiled. “Yes! That makes me want to give the mechanics the benefit of the doubt even more. Also, I checked if the fuses and even though they weren’t blown, I replaced them anyway.” I caught some sadness in her smile as she went on. “I hope I didn’t come across as too aggressive towards your manager. Tilda? I just really take my job seriously and ‘proactivity is key’ to me too.”

I laughed at her jab at Rayze’s slogan. A twinge of guilt loosened my tongue even more. “That must feel a bit ironic, given what we’ve put you through.”

“I didn’t mean it like that!”

We laughed until her mechanic appeared. At the same time a customer I was expecting walked into the dealership. I gave her a quick goodbye, but I couldn’t help overhear Ryujin and the mechanic. 

“It looks like a new bristle belt was ordered and needed to be installed.”

“Why wasn’t that installed before it was sold to me?”

“It was…ordered before the sale, ma’am.” The mechanic bit his tongue, like we’re trained to do. “Which means it’s free of charge. The installation will only take a couple of hours. Would you like customer service to take you somewhere to pass the time?”

“…No. I’ll wait.”

Tilda reminded us that we’re not therapists, that we shouldn’t try to fix every emotional problem our customers have. I wish I had been as observant as a therapist, but a new customer had my full attention. After meeting, I knew exactly what model she wanted and escorted her to the lot. Delight spread across her face as we got closer then she stopped walking mid-step, her unblinking eyes locked on the broom. I looked around and saw my coworkers and their customers were frozen too. I was able to move and so could Ryujin. 

She waved hand at me outside the doors of the dealership. “Come inside! I have a surprise for you!”

I refused, at first.

“Come. Here.” She commanded with coldness.

I thought the sudden chill in the air was from my brisk and fearful walk towards her, but the closer I got to her, the more I was crowded by people, cold, creeping people. They flew past me, molded with me, phased through me. A crowd also surrounded me with chilling murmurs of how many lifetimes they’ve saved up for Ryujin because she ‘finds the richest ones’.

The crowd brushed past Ryujin and into the dealership lobby, evaporating in and out of sight. She offered her hand. 

“How do you feel about a promotion today?” 

I didn’t know what to say. Ryujin pulled her hand back.

“That was hasty of me. You shouldn’t shake on anything until you’ve read the fine print. You didn’t rush me into my sale. I’ll do the same for you. Follow me.”

I followed her into the dealership as she made her way down the hall of managers’ offices. The traffic on the highway still passed by with strangers on the sidewalk. So, only the dealership and anything on its property was locked by frozen time and the tattered book in Ryujin’s other hand was the key. 

A new law for witches was instated at that time, but not enforced yet: “Customers who are witches are not permitted to bring a physical or virtual tome, book, or page with any type of script onto the property of a dealership without security personnel inspecting and confirming that the medium brought onto the property is not a grimoire, a portion of a grimoire, or an item disguised as a grimoire.”

When I glimpsed at Ryujin as she spoke to the mechanic, I saw her pull an electronic reader from her bag. That was a virtual book, technically, but why would I give her trouble about that? Tilda didn’t even hire security for the dealership, so I chose not to worry. The consequence of that was a front row seat to the auction of Tilda’s body.

My manager was strapped in her seat by chains of fire.

“You’re repossessing the body because I didn’t give you a refund?!” Tilda asked as she hissed from the burns that ignored her body, but burned her soul. “

“I’m repossessing the body because you tried to convince me that the law wasn’t on my side. A lot of laws were added and amended since you bought that body, Janice. You assumed all these legal protections for the dealership would make it harder for witches like me to address mistakes under your watch.” A chain launched itself between Tilda’s lips, stopping Janice from spitting out anymore excuses. 

“The clause ‘AS IS’ doesn’t mean you can pretend a failed disclosure of a legally required safety feature of a vehicle isn’t…catastrophic.” 

Ryujin opened her grimoire.

“A failed disclosure along with telling the buyer it’s their job to fix a vehicle that wasn’t sold under federal and state regulations is grounds for fraud and misinformation. ‘AS IS’ doesn’t mean you didn’t commit misinformation and fraud.”

Ryujin pulled an athame from between the radiating pages. 

“And this is especially important, Janice…”

She moved closer to Janice and rested the sharp tip of the athame on Tilda’s quickly graying hair.

“’AS IS’ is not a blanket statement that makes you immune from your contract with the last necromancer who sold you this body.”

As hope drained from Tilda’s face, Ryujin looked to her audience and me.

“As most of you know, my mission in necromancy is two birds with one stone situation. Lost souls like yourselves who think an afterlife or reincarnation is overrated come to my coven for corporeal real estate. My secret to finding the ‘richest’ bodies is thanks to the endless network of witches who are done sending reports and complaints to companies and governments who think foul play in business is cute and getting no results.”

Ryujin lowered the tip of the athame to Tilda’s forehead and pressed the tip forward. “I know what you’re thinking. That body doesn’t look very cute to me! No plastic surgeon can fix all that saggy skin!”

The souls snickered.

“I was wondering if you were sick or something trying to sell us a vehicle like that!” Said a soul that invited everyone to laugh.

“I would never,” said Ryujin. “I chose you all specifically for a…twice in a lifetime deal. Third of fourth knowing you guys. Our coven did a thorough inspection of this vehicle and gave you all the disclosures, inspection reports, and its history. All of that is incorporated into the contract, but wait! There’s more!”

Ryujin spoke while she used the athame to carve letters into Tilda’s forehead. “Janice nullified her contract, which means the body and the years taken from the body are repossessed.” 

“How many years?!” Asked a soul.

Ryujin’s sly smile pulled in her crowd. “Not one, but two decades of life will be refunded to this model!”

Ryujin carved in the letters A-S-I-S into Tilda’s forehead. I looked away, but Janice’s screeches went on for several minutes and when she finally stopped, I made myself look. The body was still as a weary exhale left Tilda’s mouth as tendrils of green swimming towards the athame. Once every bit of Janice’s soul was pulled from the body, Ryujin returned the athame to the grimoire and closed it. 

The crowd and I watched in awe as Tilda’s body went from a middle-aged woman drained and cracked from Janice’s choices for 20 years to a youthful, gorgeous shell of a woman. Even the forehead markings were gone. After gasps of glee and competitive glares took over the crowd, the bidding war began. 

The soul who bet the most years their afterlife or reincarnation would’ve given them took their prize. The crowd of buyers left as Ryujin went over the soul’s contract for the sale of the body. The soul signed the contract and the grimoire and Ryujin used her athame again to transport her buyer into their used vehicle.

“Congratulations, Monica,” said Ryujin. 

She watched her buyer leave in satisfaction then looked to me, smiling.

“Please, sit.”

She gestured toward Tilda’s old chair. Hesitantly, I moved to the chair. When I sat down, it was hard to breathe. 

Ryujin nodded. “Doesn’t that feel right? Think of what your salary will be. Oh you’ll be a juicy future sell.”

“I don’t want to die now,” I pleaded.

Ryujin looked at me with concern. “You don’t have to die now.” She opened her grimoire, revealing another contract. A pen was suddenly in my hand.

“Time doesn’t exist now and won’t continue until you make a choice. If you sign, you agree to be added to my inventory with a lifetime warranty of…well living. You won’t die until you’re ready to. If you don’t sign, you die the moment I unfreeze time.”

She saw my hand trembling and barely able to hold the pen then left me in Tilda’s office to think. Then Tilda’s office became mine.

Everything I’ve told you is a violation of my NDA. I’ve breached my contract and I don’t care! The immortality warranty is fraud! If you buy me, you’ll get me AS IS, and my years will be refunded then transferred to you, but you will not be reborn. Read the fine print:

‘The only warranty of immortality provided in this contract is the written NEW vehicle warranty provided by the vehicle’s Creator, if any. Seller is not liable for Creator’s warranties. The soul buyer is entitled to an independent biological and lifestyle inspection prior to purchase. Any written disclosure of previous damage is hereby incorporated into this Contract. The seller assumes no responsibility for the choices and consequences of the original soul owner and previous soul owner. This contract involves the sale of a used vehicle and that vehicle is sold ‘AS IS’ with no representation of any warranty, expressed or implied, except as stated in writing.”