Dream If You Must

The air was thick though the sky was clear, stars twinkling through the haze. The bonfire we had going was strong and vibrant, occasionally spitting sparks out as if daring us to sit too close. The state had already delved into spring but although it was warm, I still felt a bit chilly. I was wrapped tight in my checkered blanket. Laughter surrounded me as my roommates reveled in stories of days past. I had settled in with a beer, hoping it would help relax me. The chair next to me still sat empty as he fiddled about inside. Part of me was hoping he wouldn’t come outside at all, and spare me feeling the flush of embarrassment for the remainder of the night. But as I heard the back door open, I sighed heavily. He held his own bottle as he made his way across the yard.

“Johnny!” they cheered in unison as he plopped down next to me. 

He melted into the conversation effortlessly as I remained silent, letting everyone else do all the talking. I wasn’t much of a group socializer in general, but I felt even more like an outsider when they were all practically family. Well. actually they really were family. John was Morgan’s baby brother, Ricky was Morgan’s husband, and I was just the roommate. The lost puppy that they took in nearly six months ago. They had treated me so well though, and I was as close to them as could be But right now I just felt awkward.

After going through a breakup a few months ago, Morgan had mentioned her brother, describing us as essentially the same person. Easily attached, yearning of love. It wasn’t until I saw his picture that my interest really got piqued. He was actually pretty cute. So I made the first move and sent him a message. It was like a rocket taking off, there was no stopping us. Except the 2800 miles that stood between us. Of course, I would start falling for someone who lived across the country. And due to a pandemic, travelling wouldn’t have been the wisest. So for two months, we only have sent messages back and forth. I couldn’t even bring myself to ask him to video chat. I was so afraid he would find me boring or less attractive than he thought. Over that time his interest never seemed to waver. And when restrictions were finally lifted, he made the trip back to the east coast. He only had two weeks to fit in time with his family and friends, and me. What if we didn’t have enough time with each other? What if things were nothing like we hoped and we didn’t like each other? Fear after fear scrolled through my head from the time he booked his flight until the moment I was standing in the airport with Morgan, waiting for his plane to land. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to conduct myself when all I wanted was to run to his arms and kiss him. Self control, I kept telling myself. 

And then, there he was. He wasn’t some intimidating figure in the crowd at only a few inches taller than me. But his smile upon making eye contact cut through all the people, all the thoughts in my head. He picked up his pace and snatched me into his arms, holding me tightly against his body. My hands found themselves brushing through his hair, my nose was buried in his jacket. He smelled of strawberries and nicotine. I resisted the urge to pinch myself to make sure this was real. I pulled back slightly to take a better look at him, his blue eyes were shining.

He wavered a bit before pushing his lips onto mine. There was the taste of Jager on his breath and I laughed internally. It seemed like he had made friends with the plane’s mini-bar. I welcomed that twist in my gut as I reveled in his presence. So this is what it felt like to have that “only ones in the whole place” type moment. Everything around us just melted away, I even nearly forgot Morgan was there. 

“So worth it the wait,” he whispered, pulling back slightly. 

“I’m glad.” I retorted.

He loosened his grip to face his sister, happily hugging her with his free arm. He gave me a quick nod of approval before ushering us out the doors. Ricky is waiting with the car by the curb. Pleasantries are exchanged as I climb into the backseat. His suitcase is thrown in the trunk and then he is beside me, once again wrapping me in his arms. I lean into his shoulder, finally feeling so at ease. The storm that had been brewing in me the past several months had settled into a gentle breeze. He would plant kisses on my forehead between sentences, sharing how life had been going in dreary Washington state. I closed my eyes as I listened to him, having never heard his voice before. The lilts were goofy, but soothing. I knew he was more of a jokester by design so it was fitting. It was a short drive to the house, too short for me to process everything. He was only going to be here for four days. Then he would be leaving to see friends in Virginia. The invitation for me to join him had never been there. I felt stupid even thinking about it. Yes, I had waited this long to meet him. But he still had his own life and he deserved to spend his time elsewhere without me having to be a thought. But I was still terrified this visit would go so well, and then I’d have to say goodbye. And I wouldn’t know when I’d get to see him again. 

He was perfect. Well, as close to perfect as he could be. For me at least. It was the most wonderful, horrible piece of knowledge. He was going to have to leave. I was always the type that needed closeness, needed that physical touch. I wanted to hold hands and kiss and share our daily lives. But all I would have was messages over the phone. For an undetermined amount of time, I wouldn’t get to wake up to his face. I wouldn’t be able to touch or kiss him. We wouldn’t be able to go on hikes with the dogs. I felt the panic rising back up in me on that last morning. I rushed out of bed as a wave of nausea hit me. I hid in the bathroom like a coward, not wanting him to see how pathetic I was being. It was quite some time before he came knocking, asking if I was okay. 

I wanted nothing more to revel in every part of him on this last day. I felt like a crazy person. Instead I distanced myself. And I could see the hurt in his eyes as he wondered what had gone wrong. How was I supposed to tell him I was afraid of missing him too much? I knew all I had to do was save for a month or two and I could go visit him. But only if he didn’t get deployed in that time, and that was a strong possibility. And then what? Half a year or more of uncertainty of where we stood, what we meant to each other. It was a burden I was afraid to bear. But I also couldn’t just let him go. When he was finally fed up with my shit, he pulled me into him and crushed his lips into mine.

“Stop being so afraid,” he finally whispered, struggling to keep his own breathing even. “I’m right there with you.”

I could only make out one constellation. And I knew, it wasn’t so bad to have your head in the clouds. The stars shined brightly like a promising future, a remaining hope. He reached over and intertwined his fingers with mine. And I could finally breathe. Very soon we would be soaring through the sky together. I was no longer afraid.