The pocket knife and it's carvings.

The ceiling closed in on her, it creased and rumbled. Ready to flatten her face. 

She blinks twice. The ceiling still wanted to kill her. 

Her mind wandered and with no other present thought, she held her breath. It’s something she does, she never notices until she is left clenching her neck, gagging and coughing, her lungs feeling like a dried river. 

She smacks the light and switches it on, the white light blinding her. 

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Diary…

I don’t know what to do. 

I...i don’t want to…, I’m not sure what to write. I don’t know. I never know anything. 

I’m sorry I haven’t written in so long, I don’t know. I didn’t feel like it, I guess. But a lot of things happened. I guess I couldn’t write it all down at the moment. 

Dad’s dead. 

Yeah. 

I’m pretty sure the worms are feasting on his flesh right now. 

Mom and uncle Jay have been hanging out a lot this past week. It’s disgusting. 

I went back to the hospital. It wasn’t because of dad though...just things. I hate it there, to be honest. It’s awful and the kids make my skin itch. The nurses are super mean too. There was a new lady. She has so much wrinkle it looked like she was being sucked into herself. You know when you leave a shirt in the washing machine for too long and it becomes a mess with folds and wrinkles, yeah. 

Anyways I don’t know. 

I just felt like going back. I think it’s because of the food, it’s disgusting but it’s better than the food here. 

The gray-haired lady is weird. She kept staring at me like I'm a hamster in a lab. Maybe I am. That wouldn’t be much of a change from life right now though. 

I don’t know. 

When I came back home from the hospital dad slapped me. I think it's because he missed me. He loves me lots, you know. Of course, you know. 

He dragged me, his big hand clenching my hair, to the basement.

OH! OH! My hair is now short! Yeah, I know! I hate short hair and always keeps mine long but I think this cut fits me quite well, Leslie says it frames my face and makes my nose look slimmer. Leslie loves my face, she always tells me before she kisses me. She'll run her thumb all over my face, admiring it I’m guessing (she an artist and everything). She’ll then set her lips on my eyebrows and would softly drag it to my lips. 

I don’t know. It began in the river. The river that’s a bit far into the wood, the river the school jock, Jason Cabel drowned in. Anyways Leslie wanted to go skinny dipping and forced me to follow her into the cold, corrupted water. It’s corrupted in my opinion. I’m sure the devil swims there. Me and dad saw him there once. 

Anyways Leslie grabbed my wrist till it turned blue and purple and we went in the water, boobs, and everything all out for the devil and the moon to see.

I hate my body, but you know that, all teenagers hate their body I’m sure. I’m too skinny. You can always see my ribcage and the bones of my tight. The doctor worries but hey what can you do. I eat but I can’t gain weight...I puke it out afterward. I’m not bulimic or anything, not at all (I just get easily nauseous). It’s Alex who is bulimic, she is attending community college now in fact, since dad died she’s been so happy. She doesn’t even try to conceal it, it’s quite funny really. She used to scream a lot when she was younger. Mom said she had nightmares. Alex insults me when I ask her.

Anyways that’s when the kisses started. In the corrupted river. I'm a bit dumb to call it that. The river is quite clean, I once glanced at a journal this man sitting next to me in the bus was reading, something something about how it's the cleanest river in the state. Anyways Leslie did more than kiss me in that river, her hands were everywhere. 

I think I hate her. I don’t know.

I just don’t want her to be sad anymore. Since Jason Cabel died she never smiles much, only when she kisses me and we fool around. I don’t know. 

It's a bit mess up I think. He drowned in those waters and she f*cks me there. 

I always wanted to ask her about it but I don’t know. I don’t want her to leave me you know. I’ve known her since ninth grade so um...it’s been two years now since we’ve been best friends. We never fight, and when we get a bit on one another nerves it gets resolved quickly. She hates being angry at me. 

I never understood why she spoke to me. Leslie is gorgeous. Her hair is blond and she has those green eyes and small freckles, she’s so beautiful, you would drool if you ever see her, guys in school do for sure. I think I wouldn't mind her kisses this much if she was a bit ugly. I don’t know 

I can’t sleep. I can never sleep. My meds finished today and it’s Friday. The doctor is never there during the weekend so I won’t be able to sleep till Monday. 

I really do love my hair. I’m not very pretty but it does enhance my features. 

In the basement dad put some bruises on my skin and cut my hair with this pocket knife he always carries, mom said he found it beside grandfather the day he fell and died. Alex found me in a puddle of dark blood. She’s not kind so she left and closed the door. I fainted and the blood dried up all over my clothes and face, I puked a lot which made the whole thing even nastier. 

Dad afterward said that he only missed me a lot. He apologized a lot and a lot and then some more, he brought me ice cream and clothes and a new phone and was planning on buying me a new computer. Mom became angry at me and wouldn’t stop yelling since he just got laid off. She refused to speak to me or even look at me. 

Dad died a few days later. He got run over by this white truck when we were walking to the river to see that devil. 

I don’t know. He was flattened. His teeth and eyeballs were not in the place where they are supposed to be. His bones were scattered, I could see them. They pierced through the skin. The bones of his hips…

But funny thing, his hands were left intact, barely bruised. The scars on it stood out in all the blood. 

The pocket knife laid next to him like an abandoned toy. I took it. It’s in my hand right now. I couldn’t have left it there or threw it away. I knew that knife since I was a baby. It carved things on my skin. 

Leslie just texts me, she wants to see me. I think she’s lonely again. I should go meet her, (Mom hasn’t come back from uncle Jay apartment yet and it's only 2 am) Leslie knows I can never sleep and my meds are finished. I shouldn’t have told her. 

She'll probably want to go to the river tonight. She tries to go every Friday...well Saturday nights.

I don't want to lose her you know. 

I lost dad already. 

I miss him. 

I don’t know. 

Talk later. 

P.S

I love the pocket knife, I understand dad's obsession with it now. It's old but beautiful and elegant and everything. I should ask Leslie if she wants to use it to draw things on my skin.