The Monkey Hat

It is just a normal wool hat. That was popular in Primary school. It dubbed as a scarf and hat or more of a balaclava. Its popularity dwindled in the high school era. But definitely not at my school. The Monkey hat was a symbol of popularity. To the teachers, it was a sign of an ‘anti-school’, a truant and a stubborn child. But to the majority of us, it was a symbol of defying the rules and winning.

 The Monkey Hat came to be known as a symbol of many anti-school items. It could mean that forbidden relationship. It could mean that cellphone which wasn’t allowed. It could mean that funky unwanted haircut. Just think of anything that was considered ‘high school naughtiness’. That was the code, THE MONKEY HAT.

Well, Daniel Dube is my name. An Upper Six at Achievers Bloom High school. Don’t mind the name, just mind what I am about to tell you. I didn’t want to….but well……

Here it goes…….

We are all united by one thing, we both like her. Our differences aside though, there is a fully saturated acrimonious atmosphere that is hanging over us.

Fritz is chairing the ‘meeting’.

“Attention gentlemen. Ignatius all eyes me. Tafadzwa stop fidgeting with your tie… hey Zakes man, PUT THAT MIRROR AWAY!”

Okay, give Fritz the platform and he’ll scream you down….

“Thank, thank, thank, you, you, you.” he speaks pointing at the three.

Ah, just look at the suspicious glares everyone is darting at each other. Oh, seriously?

“Gentlemen, we only have thirty-three minutes before the lunch hour zeroes off. So, here is the thing. We’ve only one agenda. Samantha Topawo.”

Murmurs rise….Fritz tug at his blazer impatiently, “Gentlemen, I’m still on. I’m the one who is speaking and I request SILENCE!”

Does the principal know about this ‘thingie’ happening on his institution? Does he know there is a boys’ meeting in the gym room at lunch hour? Chaired by one of his favorite prefects? This is laughable! And the agenda? A Monkey hat antic? Sammy?

“Let’s talk about Sammy gentlemen. Let’s talk for the next, say fifteen or ten minutes? Give me some of your thoughts,” now continues Fritz looking at his wrist watch before facing us.

A shuffle occurs, but no one says a word. Fritz taps his foot impatiently……….”Well c’mon guys for God’s sake….” starts Fritz.

“Leave God out of this.” mutters someone, interrupting Fritz.

“Okay Pastor. We will do so. But stop clowning around. You are among the seventeen guys who are hots for Sam. You are sitting, watching me. You know what, do me a favor and shut up! Or rather,” whispers Fritz, “voice your opinion.”

Norman’s eyes flash dangerously. heeding well to being religious, eschewing for unnecessary ‘evils’ such as pure fun, Monkey Hat antics, dating…the nickname Pastor does suit him well. Well had it not been this issue of Samantha. Just proves how his ‘insides’ work.

Tanaka stands up whistling. As usual, he wants to draw attention. Looking at his mirror patting his tie, “There is no discussion here Fritz. Let’s go get Sammy. She will chose the one she wants.”

Me, he forgets to add. Dummy.

“Tanaka, SIT DOWN!” snaps Fritz. He is always impatient with this ‘handsome yet without substance’ too good for nothing. More often than not, he is always on Fritz’s list for those who will be punished. Just to spit him.

Tanaka smiles, taking a seat.

Whatever beef lies before them, they have to be courteous to each other ‘cause of this Monkey Hat antic. Anyway, Tanaka is a dummy who is quite clueless at times. That is Fritz handwriting.

Tafadzwa raises his hand. Fritz nods in his direction, “Guys, the thing is simple. We all have to just deal with her. One after the other.”

Fritz’s nostrils flare, his ‘disgusted by your words’…..a call for him to slap someone with a punishment of cleaning the toilets…., “Taffy, we all have been booted, startled by her looks and also blocked by her friends. She’ll grow suspicious if this occurs, then God knows what!”

Saved by the Monkey Hat antic…..

Tafadzwa presses his hand down his tie, “Fritz, I’m not done. How about a bet?”

Murmurs rise again. Fritz growls at us. There is a hush.

“A bet Taffy? A bet?” laughs Fritz.

Tafadzwa rolls his eyes, “Yes Fritz. A bet”

Tafadzwa is quite a competition for Fritz. At sports. But hands down when it comes to academics. Each has a loud vocal when in their designated area. They hate each other. And always try to outshine each other.

Tafadzwa no arises ad walk to the front……. Is he spoiling for a fight?

He rolls his eyes at Fritz then stand, half-facing Fritz and us.

“Yes, we all like her, Form Four to Six. Which is why we called an anonymous meeting for those interesting in a Monkey Hat Antic for a dame. She is quite popular in the school. She is one of our classmates for some of us, wonderful. She is a beautiful creation. She has a physique worthy fighting for. She has a melting smile. But she’s stubborn and independent. Cold, withdrawn, heartless and makes our lives miserable. Not all of us wants her to be a girlfriend for the sake of, ‘I can’t live without her’. Some of us wants to break her, revenge, break her heart… ehm and others. But be damned guys, she won’t allow it. So let’s bet. We are all boarder students.”

A murmur in rhyme with him occurs. Guess he has taken center stage. 10 for him, 5 for Fritz.

 Tafadzwa sigh, “well, we are in the middle of drought. Food crisis in the hostels. So each of us will contribute food items. And of course a five dollar note….. (Shut up Grant or leave)….yes a five dollar note. We then lock this away.”

“And then what?” questions Fritz frothing.

Well down to 3 Fritz. Down to 3 points.

“Type our names, in order of who approaches her. If you are booted, no refund of your donations. We simply make a red indentation on your name and move on to the next candidate. Now here is the price; the one who manages to win over her heart gets the trunk full of food and money.”

“You are nuts! That’s close to eighty five dollars!” protests Grant.

“My point exactly Grant. The higher the stakes, then action is bound to be good. I mean, let’s have fun for once guys. Monkeying around but employing commandment number 11. Do it, but don’t get caught. That’s my idea Fritz!”

Tafadzwa roll his eyes as he take his seat, toying with his tie. Fritz seems fizzled before adjusting to his normal airs, “Okay Taffy, we got it. Any more suggestions?”

From the door (I am the guard and alert-er) I spoke without raising my hand, “That sounds like our solution Fritz. Let’s create a committee for the smooth running of this….Monkey Hat Antic.”

More like King Kong trying to win the affections of a beautiful woman.

Everyone agrees with me while Fritz’s nostrils flare again. Then he flings his hands into the air, “FINE!”

I am the secretary and treasurer. My vice is me. My sub-vice is me.

Exactly how on earth will this work out if I am dumped with all the work?

I am quite patient anyway. And I choose to be a spectator of this madness

Date

Geez, my first heading….well, okay, the whole line:

DATE

NAME

SURNAME

Damn, I can’t even focus. Name, surname? Mmmmm…..okay.

DATE

NAME

SURNAME

CLASS

IN (DATE)

OUT (DATE)

“Dan, that’s the most obnoxious work I have ever seen.”

“Fritz, for once, just leave me be.”

“No dude. We need fanciful headings. It’s a game. Partition and Scramble of Sammy T.”

“You mean Scramble and Partition of Africa?”

“Dude, be serious for once. Share in the humor. You are always the good boy. No dicing with death or the teachers by pulling a Monkey Hat antic. For crying out you have never even worn the freaking thing. C’mon Danny, c’mon.”

I sigh, “Fritz, please….”

“Chancellor Bismarck of German is more of Chancellor Fritz Makanaka of Glamour #Achievers High School. Hmph, dim! That’s dim! How about Chancellor Makanaka of…of… hey, we ought to have an identity…okay, talk of minerals, flowers or some sort of dope names….Right. Chancellor Makanaka of The Dab.”

I slam my hand across my face. Often, I look upwards with no grimace. I often ask God, but why? How did I end being shackled with Fritz of all people? Who uses me as a comparison? Who is a hypocrite at times in his service as a prefect? Whom I know inside out, who is my dear friend……Fritz just keeps me going despite his flaws. With is why I thank God.

Eventually I come up with a tittle. (As per Fritz’s perspective).

Partition and Scramble of Summer-Time

“You know Daniel, you’ve an amazing eligible handwriting. And hey, why is your name not on the list?”

I shake my head, “I can’t be in the same rat race with all of you.”

He props himself on my bed on his elbows. He widens and rounds his eyes, “Why Danny? You are planning to approach ‘Summer-Time’ without us knowing?”

“No….Fritz…no…it’s just that…”

“Or perhaps you don’t like women but men,” he pauses his puppy eyes watering, “Do you have a crush on me Dan? It’s okay. I won’t say a word to anyone.”

Oh Fritz. For Chris sake! “Fritz, I don’t stand a chance.”

“Ok I get it!” he snaps moving away from my bed. He removes his tie, “You’re the coward who never time to humor himself…”

“Fritz….”

Off comes his shirt, “Well, the title ‘pastor’ suits you more than it suits Norman.”

Abs and muscles budge freely before he slips into what he calls the overalls. (Meant as a sign that he was about to punish someone). He catches my intense stare and stops at the door with a frown on his face, “are you sure you’re biologically correct Daniel? Not one of those guys who feel trapped in a males’ body….”

I smile. How can I ever compete against Fritz with his physique taking some points? I am just skin and bones….

__________________________________________

DATE

TITLE

NAME

SURNAME

TACTIC TAKEN

GABBAGE IN

GABBAGE OUT

01/02/17

PASTOR

Norman

Emmanuels

preaching

******

5 secs/flashed out

OH YEAH!

__________________________________________

03/02/17

CRITIQUE

Grant

Ivainesu

Wiggling

******

She laughs but for 10mins

Yup!!!!

__________________________________________

07/02/17

TIE

Tafadzwa

Munesu

Fixing her uniform

******

Got slapped and out in 17 mins

Kkkkkkkk out like totally out!!!

__________________________________________

“You’re enjoying this ain’t you?” Fritz had asked me on the 3^rd day.

“I’m just an observer. I watch and reach a conclusion. Then time it out!”

“Before Valentine’s day.”

“Exactly Fritz.”

__________________________________________

08/02/17

T. MABASA

Ignatius

Munazvo

Recited a poem

*******

She appreciated him and signed him up for a Writers CLUB. In 21 mins

HAHAHAHA HE GOT SOMETHING WORTHY OUT OF THIS!!

__________________________________________

09/02/17

TEDDY BEAR

Ross

Abrahams

He imitated the principal

*******

Uhm, he ended up in the principal’s office ‘coz he got caught….in 5 mins

Yup!!! And Fritz had the pleasure in punishing him Kkkkkkkk

__________________________________________

09/02/17

MIRRORS (GUY)

Zakes

Haddem

Offered her a life time trip to  The Taj

********

She just stared at him with that look of, ‘You are insane’….out in 8 mins

Look dude, we know you are from a well-being family but eish…

__________________________________________

09/02/17

ARTIST-IC

Isheanesu

Chofirwa

He offered her a portrait drawing of her face.

********

She called him her sweet brother….wow wasted 37mins

A moment of silence for the fallen artist.

__________________________________________

09/02/17

WOMANIZER

Tanaka

Maranaka

Did that thing of trying to make her jealousy by dancing with her friends

******

Didn’t even give him a glance….no essay here. Another wasted 34 mins

HE IS OUT!!

__________________________________________

10/02/17

MON-STAR

Brian

Furira

He went straight out and demanded for her heart! Gory savage!

*******

She ignored him and continued with her books. Another wasted 9 mins

What a monster Kkkkkkkk you deserve it

__________________________________________

10/02/17

MR FIX

Andrew

Banda

Well he tried to fix her argument with the teacher over her missing assignment.

*****

Worsened the situation. They both got kicked out in 5 mins

Savage. He is out!!!!

__________________________________________

10/02/17

CHIPMUNK

Alvin

Denhera

He sang for her.

******

Clapped her hands, but her friends then pushed him away.

Shame, so sad. He is out.

__________________________________________

11/02/17

DESIRE

Emmanuel

Marufu

DITTO…

*******

DITTO

Such a copycat, that’s what you get

__________________________________________

12/02/17

SIAR

Geofry

Jambaya

Helped her with carrying her books, taking care of her shoes etc., like a gentlemen

******

She told him flat out that she could take care of herself ‘so why don’t you back off!?’

He is out unfortunately.....

__________________________________________

12/02/17

SEIGNOIR

Tendai

Runesu

DITTO

******

She threw her book at him in exactly 12 mins

ANOTHER COPYCAT!!!!

__________________________________________

12/02/17

CHANCELLOR

Fritz

Makanaka

Ah, he doesn’t want me to say what happened but he punished people for her. ‘I will die for you’ has gone to ‘I will punish for you ’

******

She was courteous but kept frowning at him and whispering something to her friends.

May this Monkey Antic rest in peace….

__________________________________________

N.B: DANIEL DUBE PULLED OUT.

       CHRISTOPHER CHICKENED OUT (SORRY) PULLED OUT. CHRISTOPHER   SAUMENYE

__________________________________________

Ah, the sad part, no one manages to get Samantha. Well, not everyone….

As stated above, all their ‘lousy tactics’ didn’t garner her attention.

There is a motto that is quite prominent in the boy’s hostel. What is said in the privacy of Rome, stays in Rome. Not even a comma should be seen outside of it.

The 12^th of February almost saw me breaking that rule. It was an encounter, right before Fritz, the final candidate, was booted seven leagues by Samantha.

I was observing Tendai as he was acting all gentlemanly. Sammy looked on without expression. While her two friends Nomsa and Rutendo, clapped their hands with glee. Sammy rolled her eyes and threw a book in Tendai’s face. He just froze. I could see a conflicted expression after that. Sammy had said a word to Nomsa and arose.

My observation book, Partition and S of S-T list was on top. It had slipped and landed at her feet. My heart had lurched….and I had broken into a sweat. She had bent to scoop it down…I had flung myself at her feet.

“Samantha.”

“Hey Niel…are you going to act like your friends now? Like what I going on? And those freaking junior boys, Zakes and Alvin?” she whispered.

Well, if she had seen the list, she never said a word. I was saved from answering her when Fritz whisked her away. I was left to try and focus on my books in the noisy prep room/discussion/study room….

Tomorrow was a Monday…. I mused.

Yohhhh!!! She is furious!

I bow my head while she comes storming, murmuring, cursing….

She intercepts me. I’m forced to look up at her. Her lower lip is trembling. I could kiss her….the norm in High school…I will not…not even think of it. She will slaughter me. Plus it’s forbidden……

“Niel, follow me willy-ah?” she whispers.

I can feel someone is watching ….No, four set of eyes are piercing my back. And one pair of eyes in-front….eh Fritz is frowning at me.

Don’t go wasting your emotions….

I follow her into an empty room. She shuts the door and start pacing, to and fro…to and fro. Then stops in front of me, hands on hips.

“Niel, can you be my boyfriend?”

The books in my hands slip off and land on the floor. She’s quick to pick them up and looks into my eyes, “Niel, please. I’m begging you.”

I stutter wordlessly….”Did Fritz send you?”

“No Niel you idiot!” she whispers pulling my cheek, “I don’t know what’s going on but almost every is trying to get my attention.”

“S-S-So you need a body-guard.”

“Something in those lines.”

“Fritz will kill me…”

“It’s not about Fritz. Okay. It’s about him. Daniel, you’re a nice guy, I like you….maybe I’m not being truthful. Sorry I’m breaking the rule and foundation asking you out. But I need your help.”

“Why me Samantha? There are about 8 guys in our class.”

She sighs, “It’s okay if you can’t. I’ll find a way…Fritz is threatening me. Tanaka is annoying me. Pastor is trying to flirt with me. Zakes is just pestering me….This madness has to stop…”

“Ok Samantha. Ok…I’ll do it.”

“You’ll do it Niel? You’ll be my boyfriend?”

“Bodyguard.” I correct her. Better to say it that way to myself before it hurts. She flings her arms around me and plant a kiss on my cheek, “Thanks.”

Heavens. How many of these boys do wish for this? I think I’m melting.

She is smiling at me, “C’mon then Niel, let’s go.”

“Uhm…where?”

“To our block. I’m sorry if I overwhelmed you.”

I fall in step behind her. She stops to squeeze besides me.

Murmurs are already rising as we reach our Upper Six base rooms. I can feel eyes….

“I-I can’t do this.” I whisper at her.

“Act natural Niel. I know about the list.”

I look at her, “You do? What? Who told you? What are you planning to do? Then what do you mean you don’t know what’s going on?”

She maintains eye contact still smiling. Her tip-toes…..

Gasps occurs. Someone mutters. Another curses…..MON DIEU!!!!

All this waiting for the ultimate winner.......Me?

THE END