Dear Wilbur, Do You Remember How I Loved You?

Dear Wilbur,

Do you remember when we first met? I do. I was the new kid at school, getting teased out of my mind for my pink light up shoes, and my hands trembling. I remember locking myself in the bathroom, tears filling my eyes. And I remember you. You, barging in, like the sun after a thunderstorm, lighting up my life like those sketchers I lost so long ago. Did I ever tell you that you were my sun? You were. You lit up every day after that, every moment.

I remember the day he came into the picture too. The new kid, the british exchange student. We were halfway through middle school, when you saw him in the hallway and decided to befriend him as well. Did he remind you of me? The shaking hands, the trembling voice. I remember how you two clicked immediately, how he joined our friend group as if he’d always belonged. And of course I loved him too. He made my sun shine brighter. How could I not love him?

Then we went to high school. I saw your stolen glances from across the halls, the inside jokes, the shared laughter. You said we were all best friends, a trio, but everyone seemed to think differently. Do you remember? It was always Will and George, partners for everything, and I was always left as the third wheel. No one seemed to remember that it was you and I first. I remember. You always said you did too. 

Yet you two grew closer and started to question it too. I made more friends, tried to build the bond that you and George had with Karl. The jokey flirting, holding hands, being the first person I look to when I enter a room. Yet my eyes always gravitated towards you, Will, and your eyes were always glued to his. And no matter how hard I tried, they never thought of me and Karl the way that they thought of you and George. They never believed we could be real. They thought of us the way they thought of you and me. I never believed we could be real.

Do you remember the day you came out as bisexual? I remember. I remember your hands were trembling the way mine did when we first met, and I remember crushing you in a hug for reassurance and telling you I was as well. I remember my heart opening, my mind opening. I truly had a chance. I tried to be as supportive as I could be. I bought you flags and took you to your first pride parade. I remember you wrapping the flag around both of our shoulders, and shouting your pride. You glowed that day, my sunshine.

I remember the rest of that month, I kept sending hints to you. Subtly flirting, mentioning our sexualities, leaning a little too close on movie nights. I remember you would always grab my quivering hands during horror movies and crack jokes until you outshone the fear that gripped me. The only thing I could feel was you, gripping my heart so tight I thought it could break at any second.

I remember the last day of pride month. I finally grew the courage to tell you. I was going to take you to the last pride parade and announce my feelings to my sunshine. You were gonna kiss me under the flags, tell me how you wanted to be mine.

I remember you bounding up to me, my palms were shaking once more. My heart thrummed with anticipation, but your rays seemed to absorb the nervousness right out of me. They were brighter that day. I hoped they would’ve been brighter because of me, that I lit up your life the way you always lit up mine.

George had come out to you. George was gay, and you were taking him to the last day of the pride parade. You were in love with him. Not me. It was never me. But my sunshine, you were so bright, so beautiful. Your grin lit up my world, even as you shattered my core. So I gave you money to buy him flags, encouraged you to ask him out, despite the burning of molten lava over my heart. 

He said yes. You were so happy, Will. Do you remember? You told me you were together as if every star had just aligned. As if he was your world, the way I always dreamed to be. I saw the way you looked at him, the way you kissed him too. And of course he was my friend, but bitterness rattled my core. It was so hard, Will, but I did it for you. I didn’t tell you I loved you, for you.

The next few years were a blur to me, but I'm sure you’d remember. I dearly wish I did. You two just grew closer as time went on, but we grew apart. My sunshine began to drift away, and shadows began engulfing me. I tried to move on, I really did. But no matter how many beautiful stars are in the galaxy, there’s only one sun, and you were mine. 

Do you remember when you broke every last piece of my heart? When you told me you were sick, that the luminous rays you cast over my heart were to be put out, that you were a dying star. You were afraid, but I grabbed your trembling hands and told you it would be okay. I didn’t believe my own words, and I don’t think you believed me either. But it calmed you, my sunshine, and that’s all that mattered.

I remember George was devastated too. Stage four brain cancer. Realistically, you had less than a year to live. I remember I felt so selfish. I was so broken over your illness, and yet I wasn’t the one you loved. He had a future with you, I had nothing but a yearning, broken, heart. 

I remember you growing weaker, my sunshine. Your rays got dimmer, you could barely get out of bed. I would visit you at the hospital to see you cuddling him as if he was your lifeline. I wish he was. I remember you still smiled brightly each time you saw us, despite the suffering you endured. You knew we were hurting. You always put us first, my sunshine, always did things for others despite your suffering. Like comforting me in a bathroom stall even though you had just scraped your knee on the playground. You never changed, my sun.

Do you remember your last moments, my sunshine? You burned them into my mind, your stellar imprint tattooed onto my soul. He wasn’t there for it, but I was. I always wanted it to be me, but never in that way. I grabbed onto your trembling hands for the last time. Mine were shaking too, and tears poured out of my eyes. And I told you. You were my sun, even if I was never meant to be your earth. Dear Wilbur, do you remember how I loved you? I gently pressed my lips to your forehead, my sun, as you exploded into supernova.