The Other Side of the Mirror

The last thing I remember was the plainness of my face and my tired eyes staring back at me through the mirror. I can’t remember much else but that last few moments in front of a mirror. I remember noticing something different with the faucet. I was certain that the faucet was all grey but there was suddenly something circular and golden on the side. I investigated and it was some kind of metallic button. Of course, the curious side of me won so I pressed the button.

At first, I thought that nothing happened.  It was all but silent around me. But then something changed. At first, it was just a feeling. I felt a feeling of absolute peace around me. Then, I felt a gust of wind surround me and I smelled something like blooming flowers. I looked at my reflection but nothing changed- the same old me looking back.  But I blinked and I was suddenly somewhere else.

I find myself in the middle of a clearing. I felt the warmth of the sun in my face  and I see blue skies all around me. I noted that I was barefoot as I can feel the grass underneath my feet. I look down at my clothes and I’m wearing something of a medieval gown. The clearing is surrounded by trees. I can hear the chirps of the birds and I can hear flowing water somewhere.

I don’t where I am but I feel at peace. I feel the joy of springtime creeping in.

I close my eyes and I‌ think hard. Where am I and why am I‌ here?‌ I find that a mist is surrounding my memories. I know that they are there but I‌ just couldn’t reach them.The realization also hits me that I don’t even know my own name. I have no idea where I am but I know I am here because of a mirror.

I decided to look for the flowing water instead of just wasting my time . I walked towards east and this place gets better with every step I‌ take. The trees around me are taller than I thought when I was in the clearing. The trees are also abundant with leaves so the sun barely penetrates the canopy. I see no other movement than mine. I don’t even see the birds that I can hear chirping so clearly.

Soon, I encountered a river. I sat on the river bank and put my hand in the water. The water is just the right temperature. and the water is as clear as a crystal. I’ve never seen a body of water this perfect. I don’t think I’ve seen a body of water at all.

I’ve never seen a place this perfect.

“Hey,”‌ I hear a voice behind me.

I quickly spun around and I see a girl with long hair and a gown that just looks like mine. There was something behind her that amazes me - wings.

“I‌ wondered when you would come back,”‌ she says. Something about her is so captivating.‌ Maybe it was her soothing voice or maybe it’s her beauty. I couldn’t look away. Something about her is familiar too.

“Who are you?”‌I asked. “And is that wings?”

She didn’t answer me but simply shrugs her shoulders.

“Where am I?”

“This place has no name because it isn’t a place after all. It’s an in-between of some sort. A dimension of its own. But you called this place Paraiso when you last came here.”

Paraiso,  the Filipino word for paradise. It’s weird to give this place a name from my mother’s native tongue but it’s name is befitting. This place looks like paradise.

Then, a memory came back to me like a tsunami. A memory of me as a child lying on the grass with this lady stroking my hair. I remember feeling safe here.

“How was I suddenly here? I was in a bathroom. Did I go through a magical portal or something?”

“You can say that,” she says curtly.

Suddenly, a burst of very bright blinding lights surrounded us.

Then, it disappeared then reappeared again. It seems to be coming from the sky. It isn’t lightning because the weather is so calm- just the lights. I‌ focus on the sky but there’s nothing that would explain the lights. But in my head, I saw a pair of blue eyes looking down at me with worry.

“What was that?”

She opens her mouth to reply but a familiar voice interrupted her.

“Janey,”‌the voice says. Memories came flooding to me once again. All of them. My name is Janey Gomez. I’m 30 years old. I work as a graphic designer. I am half Filipino. I live in our ancestral home in the country. I’m married to Mark Gomez for almost 3 years but we’ve dated since high school. And that voice was his.

“Mark?”

“You are not supposed to be here,”‌ he says.

Then, I remembered this place. Coming here was one of my earliest memories. The woman with wings was Diwata, the guardian of this forest. According to my mother though, this place doesn’t exist and nor does Diwata. My mother says I’ve created my own Wonderland.

But as I‌ look up at the clear sky and feel the breeze in my skin, this place seems to be so realistic to be a dream. But maybe it was, no place can be this perfect.

“Janey!” I hear a faint voice that resembles Mark’s which is odd because his mouth did not move.

“Run Janey! Run away from her! Run towards that voice!” he screams. He grabs my hand and we run.

“Why are we running?”‌

“You need to run as far away from her as possible. You shouldn’t be here,”‌he says.

We slowed down when we reached the clearing. “I‌ don’t understand,”‌ I mutter. Mark brought me to the middle of the clearing. He knelt down so I did too.

“You need to wake up,” he says.

“So this is a dream then?”‌ I‌ knew it. This place was too good to be true.

“Not exactly,” he says. We hear fluttering of wings and a sudden thud. Diwata is behind us with a smirk. “You need to wake up now! We don’t know how much time you lost. Time is different here,”‌he said while looking intently in my eyes.

“She’s finally decided to join us forever, nothing to be done now,”‌ Diwata proclaims.

Then, the ground started to shake. I hear faint voices of panic that’s coming from the sky. I‌ also felt a sudden gust of wind but it was gone as quick as it  appeared.

“Wake up, Janey. There might still be a chance,”‌Mark says. He’s intently looking at me. “You just have to choose to wake up.”

“You chose to come here, little one,”‌Diwata says. “Don’t listen to him. He is the one who isn’t supposed to be here. Remember, little one. Just remember. Look at his face and remember why you chose to come back to this paradise… your paradise.”

I look at Mark again and searched for my memories. I felt a tear flow my right eye. Mark’s not supposed to be here… with me… because he left me. I start to move away from him when he gripped my shoulders and shook me.

“Janey, that doesn’t matter right now,”‌he said with urgency. “We are losing time. Remember the first time you came here?”

“Of course,”‌I reply. “The same way as today - a mirror”

“No! Really remember.”

“I remember a mirror, I saw my reflection. I’m quite sure it was a mirror.”

“No. Janey, it wasn’t.”

I‌ focused on my memories and it changed like the mist has finally cleared up. It wasn’t a mirror after all. I remember seeing my reflection through a window. I opened it hoping I would learn to fly. Our maid once told me that that’s how birds teach their young to fly.. they just push them and hope that they learn to fly before they fall. I jumped into that window. But I didn’t learn  to fly but I didn’t fall either. I came to this place.

I think it was evident in my face that I remember because Mark asked me to remember the second time. I told Mark that I remember a mirror too.

“Not just any mirror”

Again, I saw my memory shift. It was a broken miror - a broken piece of a mirror I was holding in my hand. There was blood on the sharp parts. Then, a snowball of memories came. I wanted to die that second time. I‌ felt useless in this world, I felt that I was just sucking up oxygen but not living. That was before Mark.

And from that, I remembered why I was here. Mark has left me and I felt that way again. I don’t remember what pills I‌ took and how many but I remember trying my best to stand still and stay in front of that mirror.

Diwata was right. I chose to be here.

“I don’t want to wake up,” I‌ told him.

“You have to,”‌ he says.

“Why should I?”‌ I exclaimed.

“This isn’t real! She isn’t real,”‌ Mark says with his finger pointing at Diwata. “I am not real.”

“Don’t listen to him. You belong here. This place is as real as it could be,”‌ Diwata says.

“Wake up!,”‌Mark says. His frustration is evident. “You wanted to fly! You jumped into a window and hurt yourself! Your subconscious couldn’t deal with it and made this world while you recover. Your mind created her! A creature with wings… because you wanted to fly!”

“And me! You couldn’t deal with me leaving so your mind created this version of me to be your savior! Because a part of you still wants to leave!”

Another earthquake hit the clearing and a gust of wind hit us.

“The light you saw earlier was someone opening your eyes to examine them. And this earthquake! And that strong wind! That’s CPR! That means you made it in a hospital. It means you still have a chance!”‌

I hear more panic voices which makes me more confused. I tried to calm myself and the memories  of my previous visits here became more vivid. I remember Diwata also asking me to stay those previous times. And in those two times, I refused. In those times, I wanted to get back to my family. This time, I’m not sure  I have something to come back to.

I stand up and I walked away from them. I need to think. It’s a good thing neither of them tried to follow me.

I start to cry when I was sure I’m from away from them. The reality of what’s really happening outside here has hit me hard. The reality of what I’ve done is overwhelming me. I cry and cry and cry. I don’t know how long I’ve been crying.

When I’ve calmed down, I spotted a giant-looking flower not far away from me. I think it was something my mother once told me when I was younger. I couldn’t remember its name but I know this flower is kind of exotic - a flower that smells rotten. This makes me wonder where they are found and if looks exactly like how I‌ see them now. My mother told me that people actually climb mountains and explore forests to see this flower.

I’ve never really searched for something to appreciate in my life. I’ve never explored and I most certainly did not climb mountains. I’ve never really done so much with my life. From the moment I‌ met Mark, loving him was the most important thing I’ve done. But that’s gone now.

For a while, I thought that the darkness would overwhelm me again. For a second, I actually decided to stay here in my paradise. But then, I see that odd flower and a light inside me flickers.

I close my eyes and I‌ immersed myself with my pain but instead of letting it consume me, I made it into a fuel that would burn inside me. When I open my eyes again, I imagine  every thing I have yet to do and every place I have yet to see.

So I close my eyes again and I‌ try to open them.