Hoping for More

       Ten occasions this year that I believed I was going insane. I tried to understand it, but I could not. I sighed faintly as I looked down at the floor, my mind fixated on rejecting this man before me. Honestly, I didn't even know his name, but he appeared to know me and was determined to ask me on a date. I shook my head, attempting to think of a polite method to say no when I saw my best friend out of the corner of my eye. No, there was someone my heart was dying for that I would never have.

“Claire, come on, just one date.” The man asserted, nearly begging. “I guarantee you’ll have a good time.”

“No, thank you though. I’m not looking for even a casual thing right now.” I explained, standing to walk away. “I hope you have a happy holiday.”

           I sighed gently again, remembering precisely how aggravating it was that I was repeatedly being asked out except by the man I desired to be with. His name is Brandon Jackson, a guy I only recently discovered I had feelings for. I wanted to be with him and only him and refused to date anyone else. Unfortunately, he had a girlfriend. One he was seriously dating and had been for a year. She was practically perfect, with long blonde hair, gorgeous green eyes, and she was taller than me too. Compared to my short brown hair, brown eyes, and short stature, I looked a lot less like the model she was.

           Often, I thought that the only reason I was interested in him was that he had a girlfriend, but another side of me knew that was not the case. I knew that it was because of who he is as a person that caught my attention. I sank onto the sofa in one section of the apartment away from the other people, hoping to fade into the background. I loved parties and usually had fun flirting around, but seeing him here reminded me of what I truly wanted. To be honest, I felt bored with being here already and was making plans to go home.

           Nine times I hoped to fade away, into the background, and away from the cheerful people around me. This party was in celebration of Michael’s birthday, so there were some people I did not know and some I did. Michael was a good friend of mine that often threw parties like these just to have fun, even though it was not necessary since we were grown. He just wanted an excuse to meet new people. Nine more times I would wish to fade further until the sofa next to me sank in, indicating that someone took a seat next to me.

“You look so bored, Claire.” It was a voice I recognized; Brandon’s. “I thought you loved parties.”

“I do, but after going to so many of them, I’m tired out,” I replied, keeping my eyes on the exit. “I’m thinking of heading out.”

“Oh…” He sounded disappointed as he sighed. “Sorry, the only reason I came was that I knew you would be here.”

           It was often that he would say something like that, making my heart jump in my chest. I shook my head again in an attempt to clear my thoughts. I knew he did not mean it like that and it made me feel frustrated. Slowly, I stood, before turning to look down at him with a forced smile on my lips. I did not want to make him feel bad or like it was his fault that I was leaving, but I needed to get home, away from the celebration, and to have some ice cream to cool off from the heat of being around so many people. I knew the smile did not meet my eyes.

“Anyways, I’ll see you later.” I started, taking a step towards the door. “At the next party, maybe.”

           Eight times I hoped for someone to wait at home for me, only to find the house empty. Of course, it would be, since I lived alone. I sighed as I pushed the door closed, wishing again that I would soon forget about that crush I had on a man that was probably considering marriage. Now that I was alone, I pulled my hair out of its fancy updo and stripped out of my clothes before stepping into my shower. As I scrubbed away the day’s dirt, I thought again, about the man who constantly filled my head, and sighed, my eyes focused unseeingly on the plain white wall of my shower.

           Once I was positive I was clean, I stepped out of the shower and dressed quickly before making my way to the kitchen to find that ice cream. I was not doing this because I was sad. I wanted the ice cream to clear my head. At least, that is what I am going to keep telling myself, even if it is a lie. Grabbing the tub out of my small freezer, I made my way into the living room and sat the tub on the coffee table when the doorbell rang. Confused, I thought about anyone who might visit me, but no one came to mind.

           I made my way over to the door, still trying to puzzle out who it could be, and looked through the peephole to find Brandon standing there, his left hand carefully rubbing the back of his neck. I sighed, wondering why he was here, wanting to know what he wanted. Without even thinking, I unlocked the door and opened it, eyes landing on his form. When he froze, his eyes looking me up and down, I crossed my arms in front of me, refusing the desire to be embarrassed. After my shower, I threw on a pair of old gray yoga shorts and a baggy tee-shirt.

“What’s up, Brandon?” I questioned snapping him from his stupor. “Is something wrong?”

“Uh…I was hoping we could talk a bit at the party, but you left before we could,” Brandon replied, stepping forward slightly as he averted his eyes. “Can I come in?”

“Sure, come on in.” I smiled awkwardly, turning around. “Are you hungry?”

           Seven words I said that I am glad I did. We made our way into my house, before sinking onto the sofa next to each other. I grabbed the remote to turn the television on, startling when I felt his hand wrap around my fingers as he pulled it from my hands. This was different, odd, even. It made me wonder just what was on his mind that made him come over. When he realized what he did, he backed away, his hands in the air. It was not often that I saw him react this way, so I turned even more to get a better look at him. He seemed embarrassed, almost.

“What’s up with you, today?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. “You seem…stressed.”

“Well, I haven’t done this in a few years.” He replied, leaning forward slightly, eyes unwavering. “I’m in love with you.”

“What?!” I startled, standing up from the sofa in my haste to understand. “What about Sherry?!”

“We broke up a while back.” Brandon sighed, looking away. “Well, I broke up with her. She was cheating on me with Josh. I hadn’t seen you in a while but I’ve known about my feelings for you for a while.”

           I could hardly believe the words he was saying. He was in love with me? Not Sherry? I sighed, before sinking back onto the couch next to him, my mind trying to puzzle everything out. What was I supposed to do with this knowledge? Dance or feel sorry for him that his long-term relationship failed? What was considered appropriate? I frowned again, thinking back to all of the other relationships I had been in, in the past. Usually, I tried to stay away from guys that recently suffered a breakup because I refused to be a rebound.

           Six times that had happened in the past, my mind focusing on those situations. Each time, I was a rebound that ended up broken-hearted within a month. If it meant losing our friendship over a relationship that would not last, did I really want to risk being with him? It hardly seems worth it if that was the case. I felt his hand close around mine, the rough patches of skin on his fingertips rubbing the back of mine gently. He, of course, knew about some of my ex-boyfriends since he was there for some of them. Was this risk worth taking?

“You look unsure. Claire, you’re not a rebound for me.” He stated clearly, his beautiful blue eyes focused on me. “Like I said, I knew before I broke up with Sherry that I had feelings for you. In fact, I can prove it.”

           I watched as he dug around in his jacket before he produced a small velvet box from one of the pockets. My eyes widened as I stared at it, wondering exactly what it was he was getting at before it occurred to me. He…he cannot be serious. Slowly, my gaze rose to meet him only to find that he was looking away, his cheeks slightly pink. There was no way I could agree to what he was proposing if that was what he was proposing. When his eyes finally rose to meet mine, his gaze wavered slightly before he opened his mouth while opening the lid of the box.

“It’s my college ring. I had it resized to give to you because I knew I was planning on dating you, even before I got with Sherry.” My mouth dropped open at this. “But at that point, you started dating some guy I didn’t know, so I couldn’t ask you then. And when you two finally broke up, I was already seeing Sherry…”

“So, we just kept missing each other.” I started, looking down at his ring. “I…I don’t know what to say, Brandon.”

           Five reasons to say no, but even more reasons to say yes. I blushed slightly, before looking away and taking the ring from him. I knew it was not a proposal, at least, not for marriage. He wanted to date me. I could pick up on that pretty easily, despite feeling unsure, I accepted. I knew I wanted to be with him even though my previous experiences taught me that it was not a good idea. I kept arguing with myself that it would be worth it, that he would not hurt me. When he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer, I sighed happily.

           The warmth of his body felt nice against mine, but it was his kiss that had my entire body flooding with heat. His lips were full and soft against my own, the small breaths he would take, brushing across my lips. As my mind blanked from the joy of kissing him, any lingering doubts I had about his faithfulness faded. This night would go down as one to remember, I was sure. As we continued to seek more love from each other, I continued to kiss him, my body and soul focused on him, just as I could tell he was focused on me.

“I was so jealous tonight.” He stated, placing gentle kisses along my jaw. “When that guy was flirting with you?”

“I felt annoyed when he was doing that,” I replied, my fingers running through his short hair as we fell back onto the seat of the sofa. “I was determined to stay single for the rest of my life if I couldn’t have you.”

“You’re softer than I thought.” Brandon continued, his arms squeezing me gently. “I suppose I should be glad I broke up with her six months ago.”

           Four days later, I was sitting at work when Michael approached me, eyes knowing. Clearly, it got around to our group of friends that Brandon and I were dating now. Especially since I wore my heart on my sleeve and was so clearly happy. Michael and I worked together, it was how we met and what eventually led to me meeting Brandon. I smiled as he leaned back against my desk, his smile growing into a full-blown smirk. I had a feeling I would never hear the end of it if I stayed here, so I stood and started to walk away when he called out to me.

“So, you and Brandon finally managed to start dating.” He stated, coming up behind me. “I was wondering how much longer you two could stay apart with all of that tension between you.”

“What do you mean?” I questioned coyly, as we made it to the elevator. “I have no idea what you’re talking about Michael.”

“Don’t play dumb. Everyone is talking about how he went chasing after you Friday after the party.” Michael continued, poking me in the side. “I was wondering when you two were going to finally hook up. Did he tell you what Sherry did? I almost didn’t believe it myself until I saw the pictures she posted on social media.”

“Yeah, he told me that she was sleeping with Josh,” I replied, shaking my head. “I can’t believe it still.”

           Three words shared between lovers. Significant words that I only said when I meant them, and never when dating someone. But words I was more than willing to say to him. It has been a month since we started dating and this evening, we sat next to each other, cuddled up for warmth as we watched a movie. We often took time away from our busy lives every three days to spend time together. I smiled as his fingers ran through my hair, snuggling even closer as the movie continued. It was times like this that I really enjoyed; just existing in the same place.

“Does this really feel that good, Claire?” He asked, his fingers curling into my hair again. “You remind me of a cat sometimes.”

“Yeah, that feels really nice,” I replied somewhat sleepily. “Are you staying the night?”

“I was hoping to…” Brandon mumbled, his breath brushing my forehead. “I love you.”

“I love you, Brandon.” Looking up into his pretty blue eyes with a smile. “I really do.”

           Two months later, I smiled as I entered another party, this time Halloween was the theme. The firm arm around my waist made a clear statement about who I belonged to as Brandon led us through the crowd. It seemed like though most of our friends knew, there were still a few that were surprised by this change. I just kept my smile firmly in place as we walked through the party, my mind solely focused on having a good time. Until it occurred to me that we were being watched by someone we did not expect to be there. Josh and Sherry, the other two that apparently hooked up after Brandon broke up with her.

“I knew you had feelings for her,” Sherry stated, walking over to us. “What, were you just waiting for a reason to break up with me before you hooked up with her?”

“No, you cheated on me with Josh, remember?” Brandon’s mood had immediately soured at seeing the couple there. “Come on, Babe. Let’s head home.”

“I’m glad you two are finally together.” She continued when we turned away. “Take good care of him, Claire.”

“I don’t need you to tell me that.” I countered as we walked away.

           One year later, on my birthday, I stood in the middle of Times Square, staring at the man in front of me. He was down on one knee with another velvet box in his hands, this time there was no mistaking it. I could see some familiar faces in the crowd around us, but I could not focus on them for the weight of the words I knew were going to come from his mouth. He was nervous, I could tell, and there was a drop of sweat rolling down his cheek. This man, the man that I loved, was just about to propose and I already knew what my answer was going to be.

“Claire, I’m not flawless, I frequently mess up, and I can be such a fool at times. The only thing I am incredible at is loving you.” Brandon cleared his throat slightly before smiling anxiously. “So, can I remain extraordinary at that for the remainder of our lives? Please, will you marry me?”

“…” Momentarily, my lips opened but I could not grasp what to say. “…yes!”