dear me

Day 1

wrote another poem today. not sure why i enjoy it so much but it helps a bit. it’s fun to make people try and guess what it’s about - not that they ever do. not a problem for me. i don't care what they think. 

mama is bugging me again about everything. she’s trying to hook me up with another therapist. doctor is gonna give me pills.

it’s not like i wanna be depressed and it’s not unnatural or anything. i just

Day 2

sorry, mom called me away. why the hell am i even talking to you? you aren't helping at all. this is such a waste of time. at least i’m choosing to write this and it’s not by therapy or some crap.

thank god for this break from school. i never imagined living through a pandemic like this before - let alone surviving a pandemic before i fall in love or even get into college. god i probably would've died if i had to keep going with school until the end of the year. the exams would have ruined me.

Day 3

the scars on my hip will be exposed if i get the bikini i was looking at. not like i need a bikini, and i won't get one anymore because of those scars. maybe someday when i’m sick of seeing them i'll get a tattoo to cover them. that'd be cool.

everyday in quarantine makes me feel less and less like a human being. the 100 is a really good show about the suffering of humanity. post-apocalyptic and most humans have died. i wish humans would go away. i hate them. i hate me. i want mama and daddy and henry and all of my friends to go away. want to be alone forever. god damn us all. who even cares. given up on god. i told him to fuck off a few days ago.

Day 4

my grades suck ass. i used to care and i used to be smart - now i’m not. used to be a good writer too with interesting ideas and ways to explain something. that’s clearly gone too.

i don't want to be here anymore. i’m so numb, like i’m here physically but frozen inside. or gone completely. or dead. i have no idea, but i need to search for myself. that wonderful, happy girl that used to light up a room has disappeared. this empty shell has no nerves or feelings. i thought the reason i haven't killed myself yet was because i wanted to help the environment or maybe because i didn't want to hurt my family and friends. maybe they wouldn't care either way.

i don't deserve anything or them and the real reason i haven't killed myself is only because i’m scared.

shut up, you fucking coward.

it would be so much better if i were a jedi or a wizard or even a sith. that would be cool. why am i even doing this? i think i just want something to look back at if i ever get out of this shitty hell hole. i want to get better, but i don't know how to. i think if i went away for a bit i could find answers because it would force me to take care of myself and think about what i need. i’m sick of thinking of what i want. i need to make my own mistakes. i need to make meaningful mistakes that i can learn from, but i’m in a circle. keep going round and round and there's no tangent for me to escape on. haha, get the physics joke. i smiled. are you smiling now? i hate physics.

Day 5

i remember the first time i cut. i didn't like it at all. it stung - i was using the end of a safety pin. i didn't bleed. i wasn't getting the results i wanted, so i took the blade out of my pencil sharpener and washed it before cutting for real. i was listening to music. i don't remember what song it was - i was too distracted. i could see the faint white line of flesh before it started bleeding. it was on the left hip. i'm not stupid enough to do it on the wrist where people will see. it's kinda rough with belts and going to the bathroom. the blood started to bead on the cut and it looked kinda pretty. i did it a few more times before going into the shower.

i only do it on the days i shower. 

the first time i did it was during 10th grade around the time of the musical i think. i remember when i first was trying on the petticoat for queen aggravian, brianna hoffoot got a glimpse of it and asked me what it was. i told her it was a bruise from bumping into my desk. i’m not sure she believed it. i didn't care. for some reason or another, i told nika. don't ask me why. she was in the bathroom with me and i was really depressed so she let me know she was available to talk about anything, so i showed her. she cried and told me to talk to mama, which i ignored. i tried not to cry. i hate that vulnerable feeling. mostly because i hate crying in front of others. it’s better if they think i’m perfect and happy all the time. then they won’t ask me about it. 

people talk about how you need to love yourself before you can love someone else. guess i won't ever love someone. i actually haven't had a crush in a long time. no interest. i told myself that it was because i wanted to focus on school, but idk anymore. i hate school this year - my other school was so much better. i miss mr. cedar and ms. signs and mrs. tall.

all of the teachers were better there.

Day 6

i volunteered at the turkey trot by handing out donuts to runners and other people. it made me happy. but it ended and my goddamn stupidity and loneliness entered again.

screw you.

Day 7

it's been a whole year since i talked to him. my best friend from early high school. i don't know why i texted him last night. i guess i just wanted to rant to someone. mama and i fought again and i needed to vent. he was there for me. he used to like me in 9th grade. i told him no and we've been closer ever since.

you’re lucky to have him.

Day 9

figured i should do this again because it's somewhat fun to actually talk about my real feelings whether or not it’s to my phone or someone. i’m in the car with mama right now at sonic waiting for a cookie dough blast. my hip hurts (i cut a few nights ago). the scars are in a criss-cross pattern - nothing in particular. i knew someone who cut a z into her arm because of a guy she liked or something. i thought that was gross. i don't wanna cut for a guy. i only cut so i don't take all my anger out on other people. i’d rather hurt myself than them. someone told me once that that was a sign of a good person. i’m not a good person.

Day 11

grandpa jess’s funeral was yesterday.

Day 12

this must seem scary to the reader (if there ever is one). i enjoy writing down my feelings, rather than cutting myself to get my anger out. i need to listen to yoda. he's damn smart and would give me good advice.  

i told my best friend about everything, by the way. mama still doesn't know, but i'd rather talk to him about it. he said he would try to fix me. that bothered me a little.

he’s still one of the better people in the world in my opinion.

Day 13

my best friend was flirting with me a few nights ago over text. that sounds pathetic. thought he knew i just wanted to be friends, so i kinda ghosted him, but we are still friends. he's adopted, so he's got a deep desire to find love. told him i wanted to learn to love myself before i learned to love anyone else. as if loving myself could ever happen.

he said i was worthy of love. hm

Day 18

GODDAMN IT I HATE YOU YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE AND A SHITTY PERSON GODDAMN YOU AND MAY YOU GO TO HELL WHERE YOU BELONG GODDAMMIT WHY ARE YOU SO HORRIBLE???

Day 19

officially broken. i made it clear to him that i didn't want to be with him or anyone else. 

this is your fault. the minute he said he was going to fix you, you should've shot him down. 

i don't need to be fixed by anyone but me. then i was stupid enough to miss the second red flag when he was flirting with me. i can't believe he's done this. he had the nerve to blame me for his anger. no. this is his fault.

this is your fault. you must’ve led him on.

a whole year we hadn't talked, then i pour my heart out for him. i hadn’t even told my own mother. i never wanted anything more than comfort from a friend but all along he was just manipulating me.

this is your fault. you are too easily tricked. stop being so gullible.

that fucking bastard wouldn’t stop harassing me about being with him. then i turn his ass down for the millionth time and he freaks out. tells me that no one will ever love me. tells me that god will send me to hell. tells me that my friends and family are faking their love for me. 

this is your fault. he is right.

his words didn't even bother me. truly - i wasn't fazed by them at all. i've heard it all. hell, i've said it all before. so i told him that. told him that his words were meaningless. 

this is your fault. you knew his words weren’t meaningless, you liar. you deserve what he sent. that picture. a strangers' bruised forearm with red and purple teeth marks.

my best friend sent me a picture of self-harm because i rejected him. after ten eternities of figuring out what to do, he texts me again and says that he doesn't care what happens to me and that it is only a matter of time before i self harm again. before i fall again. down the rabbit hole and for darkness swallows me.

confusion. ten minutes of shock. your best friend sent you a picture of self-harm because you weren’t brave enough to shut him up quick enough. last night. all your fault

i dared to ask him why he sent the photo because i didn't understand. 

you still don't.

he is a sociopath. said he was trying to help me.

help me?

help you?

we need h e l p

Day 20

rock bottom. i’m very familiar with it - i’ve been there for years. but it isn’t the last layer. recently gone deeper. thanks to him. he took a shovel and broke through the diamond floor. i fell into the void where his shovel cracked the earth. does the rabbit hole count as a tangent?

Day 21

another nightmare

Day 22

another nightmare

Day 23

another nightmare

Day 24

another nightmare

Day 25

another nightmare

Day 26

another nightmare

Day 27

another nightmare

Day 28

I’ve never opened up to my parents about anything serious before; the only thing I regret is not coming to them sooner because that hug was more satisfying than anything in the whole world. 

Day 29

Dear me,

I’m sorry.

You really aren’t so bad.

Sincerely,

me

Day 30

Wrote another poem today. 

It was happy.