Just a Massive Dog

 I know what she wants, but she will not get it that easily.

‘I have met this guy, but I don’t know. I can see he likes me, but I don’t know,’ she says as nonchalantly as possible. But I know she wants me to envy her, because boys only seem to fuck me and I have just split up with my boyfriend (A twat, not a great loss, but you know). She is so easy to read.

‘Good for you,’ I say, barely holding my sarcasm. Just to hide my thoughts better, I throw in a smile. I suddenly hope I have some food between my teeth.

‘Thank you,’ she says, beaming with a smile so big that tell me that either she is too stupid for my barely concealed sarcasm or that she is ignoring it. I don’t know what makes me angrier: that my best friend is an idiot or that her favourite hobby is to tease me and make me feel shit. I’ll guess the second, simply because it’s her, not because she is particularly clever.

‘Yeah, it’s a bit too early. Maybe he only wants you to think that he likes you. It’s happened before, hasn’t it?’ Boom, let’s bring out the last couple of guys that have fucked her and left her while I was happily in a relationship. Okay, I wasn’t happy or I would still be in that relationship, but I don’t need to remind her of that.

‘Oh, I don’t know. I’ve got this feeling. He’s got a nice house and this massive dog. He’s so big.’

There you go: rich girl talks about big house. I love dogs, but big house? Of course, you’d fall standing, girl.

‘Yeah, but a big house is just something he is throwing in your nose because he wants you to like him. Why would he mention the house…’

‘Well, I have seen the house.’

‘What? When?’

‘Yesterday.’

‘We are in lockdown, you didn’t want to meet me, because we are in lockdown and your mum didn’t want you to. What did you tell your mum?’

‘Well, that I needed some fresh air and would go for a drive for a bit.’

‘So you lied to your mum and you didn’t say anything to me but you could not lie for me?’ Here I go again expecting guilt from someone that does not really know guilt from makeup. But she knows she is supposed to feel guilty right now, it’s in her upbringing.

‘Oh, I am sorry. But you know, I have been lonely for so long? You should understand.’

There you go: should I understand because I am her best friend or because I have been alone most of my life? Because I feel lonely even when I am with my family? Yes, please, stab me softly.

‘Okay. But I am your friend. I cannot help you if you don’t tell me what’s going on.’

‘Nothing is going on. I didn’t have sex with him or anything.’

Another piece of information I didn’t ask. Does she mean that she actually slept with him and she is lying? She didn’t need to mention that. I didn’t ask. Why did she say that?

‘So, what did you do with him?’ Damn, that was a dumb question, I am better than this and I can be way more subtle. I might as well have asked her if she is lying.

‘Nothing. He showed me the house, I met his dog. It’s really massive!’

‘I know, I know, you’ve said that.’ I need to control myself, I am losing it. I need to be in charge.

‘Well, that’s it, then, I left.’

‘And you didn’t say anything to me until now, a day after.’

‘It wasn’t that important, we’ve just met.’

And probably you’ve already had sex with the guy. ‘But you think he really likes you.’

‘Well, that’s what I think.’

‘Oh, well, let’s see if he invites you over again.’

‘Well, he has. I am going over there tonight.’

Oh, wow, when were you going to add this detail? If you didn’t sleep with him yesterday I guess this is it. ‘Just be careful, okay? You don’t know this guy.’

‘It’s Josh, it’s not just a guy.’

‘Okay, okay, you called him guy and now he’s Josh. No problem.’ My goodness you are getting defensive. I think you like him more than he likes you. As usual. I bet you gave all of you to him already. But well, you deserve it every time.

‘Oh well, let me know how it goes. Hope you have fun. Shall we head home then? I am sure you have to get ready.’

‘That’s it? Have I upset you?’

‘No, you haven’t.’

‘You sound upset.’

‘Why would I be upset? I am happy for you.’

‘You sure? You just sound soooo (I hate when she drags vowels like a child) upset. I am sure you’ll find someone soon too.’

Wow, there you go. The low blow: she has probably found someone; I only find fuck-buddies. Is this what she wanted to tell me all along? Why is she my best friend? Why do I still need her in my life?

‘This isn’t about me.’

‘You sure? I think it is now. I wanted to talk to you about this guy I met…’ So he is a guy again: they definitely had sex. ‘… but you now get upset because I haven’t messaged you as soon as I got out of his house and because I am happy I have met a nice guy, who also has this massive dog.’

‘Can you stop it with this fucking dog?’ Fuck, I have definitely lost it now. And the dog has done nothing. Why do I always lose it with her? Is it because I want to be her? No wait, I would never want to be this dumb, I mean, I could be blind and still be able to read her. No, I want the life she has, rich girl falling in love with rich man with a massive dog. I am pathetic.

‘See? I knew it. You are upset.’

‘I am upset now, I wasn’t before. Now please let’s go home or I’ll fucking leave you here and this “guy” can come and pick you up with his fucking dog!’