HOWLING MAD

 Howling Mad

“Hello. What’s that? You want to interview me? Are you with the media? Local or national? Print or broadcasting?”

“You want to hear my side of the incident? Really? Sure, I’ll talk to you. I want to talk about it. Nobody has shown any interest in listening to my version of the story. To what really happened. Oh no, I’ve been judged, sentenced and condemned based upon the lies and innuendo that have been spread. Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty? Or there’s two sides to every story? Public opinion has made me out to be this big bad animal. A wild beast.”

“Well it’s simply not true.” 

“Okay, I admit that I was a little wild when I was growing up. Hung with the wrong crowd from the wrong side of the tracks. We ran together as a pack. Howling at the moon kind of thing. We laughingly referred to it as The Call of the Wild.

“Now it wasn’t serious. At least not to me. We were just a bunch of bored kids, acting out and having fun. We even had a gang name. THE LOBOS. I think it was Lenny who came up with the name.”  

But things eventually got out of control. One night, the guys went out looking for some action, some trouble. I don’t know what triggered it but it went bad. Real bad. They mugged some people, then robbed a liquor store. They fled but were caught by The Man. Somebody started shooting and suddenly three of the guys were dead. The others were trapped, captured and sentenced to life behind bars. I understand it’s a real zoo where they were sent.”

“Thank goodness I didn’t join them that night. I had a date with a smoking hot bitch I met at the local watering hole. It’s a good thing I didn’t go with them. Saved my life. Literally.” 

“Not joining my friends that night was the luckiest thing that could have happened to me. It woke me up and guided me away from the wild life. Scared me straight, as they say.”

“I realized I need to change my life. Settle down. Become civilized. Domesticated, if you prefer.”

“But it wasn’t easy. I’d get bored and act out some more. Stupid kid stuff. Mostly minor vandalism. But quickly I’d remember my dead friends and the ones who would never again run free and feel the blood pumping through their veins. It would slow me down almost immediately.” 

“Then I met Marta. She changed my life. She really liked me! The real me! It was as if she could see through me, past the pretending and posturing. She said I didn’t scare her a bit, All bark and no bite was how she laughingly described me.” 

“I still remember the first time I saw her. She was skipping through the woods, going to visit her sick grandmother. It was softly raining and she was wearing a red hood to keep her hair and clothes dry. She was as cute as could be. We would go for long walks and we talked for hours. Everything from the trivial to the deepest, most serious subjects of our lives.” 

“She asked me to go to Church with her. I was reluctant at first but loved just being with her. Then I started to enjoy the experience. I loved the feeling of belonging. Not like being with the Lobos but much more spiritual. I was finally at peace.”

“I realized I was deeply in love. People said it was just puppy love, but I knew it was real.” 

“Then these new troubles began.”

“Now my family has owned this land for untold generations. It was our home. Everybody knew it was ours too. I still can’t believe I am being treated as I am, for defending and protecting what is mine!”

“No, these three brothers just decided that what belonged to me now belonged to them. So they marched in and made themselves at home. They built houses and settled in. I was furious! Think about it. How would you feel if I walked into your house and decided I would sleep in your bed, eat your food and trash it? Would you ignore it?”

“But what really upset me was how little regard they had for the land. I was brought up to respect the land but these guys did not! They threw trash everywhere! Before I even knew they were squatting on my land, I found their trash and litter thrown on the ground everywhere. I mean they were real pigs!”

“Marta also became upset when she saw what they were doing. It spoiled our walks. The land was no longer pristine and beautiful. It made her sad but it made me mad!”

“Now so much has been in the news about what happened that is simply not true. First, I didn’t go looking for a fight that day. I admit I was very angry, but I went to the first house to just talk. Peacefully. You know, the old make love, not war attitude. This wasn’t easy but Martah had given me a pep talk. Be nice! she had told me. You catch more flies with honey, instead of vinegar. I promised to try.”

“So I walked to the first house to meet with the youngest brother. I rehearsed my speech as I traveled to his hovel. I knew what I wanted to say and how to say it.”

“Yes, it was a hovel! I’ve heard all the stories about me trashing their homes. Too bad there’s no photographs because their houses were barely standing. Except for the third one. It was more solidly built than the others, but not by much.”

“In fact, as a reporter, you should investigate and see if they had any permits to build anything. I assure you they did not. Ask if any inspections were done. No building inspector would ever approve what they built. Those guys were definitely not qualified to build even Cheryl’s She Shed. Before or after the fire.”

“So I walked up to the first brother’s house. I was shocked to see it was made completely out of straw. STRAW! Who builds a house out of straw? There were huge gaps in the walls and roof. Anybody could tell it would offer no cover or protection from rain, cold or snow. And massive piles of trash were everywhere! Beer cans, pizza boxes, Chinese take-out containers, candy wrappers. The place was a real pig-sty.” 

“I wanted to knock on the door but the construction was so poor I was afraid to touch it. . So I called out, HELLO! Is anybody home? Hello!” 

“I listened patiently but nobody answered. I called out again and now I heard giggling from inside and the unmistakable sound of a beer can being opened.” 

“Louder, I called out again. Hello, sir! I really need to speak with you. You must not know it, but you are trespassing on private property. I hate to be unneighborly but you and your brothers need to leave immediately. And you need to also take down these structures and collect the trash you’ve spread around. Please open the door so we can speak in a civilized manner.” 

“From inside, I heard a whispered “Fuck you!” followed by more laughing.” 

“Now there are a number of published reports that I willfully destroyed the house. Not true. What happened was an accident. I have COPD along with allergies. I especially have problems with Hay Fever. I carried an inhaler with me wherever I go. I took a couple of huffs and puffs to calm my lungs, but being that close to so much straw, well, I couldn’t control it. I started sneezing and coughing uncontrollably. And like I said, straw doesn’t make a very strong structure and the whole thing fell down.” 

“I swear, I never touched it! I sneezed on it! And I didn’t even mean to do that. “ 

“Now he's suing me for personal injuries along with punitive damages that he claims were caused by my vicious attack. I didn’t attack him. And he was hit by falling straw! Straw! Who has ever been injured by straw? They have hayrides! Nobody has ever been hurt on one of those!”

“Have you seen the pictures of that swine? His head is completely bandaged, he has a neck brace and one arm in a sling. He looks like a truck ran over him. I’m so pissed off over it. And he’s got such a smug smile on his unshaven face. All of those hairs on his chin look so nasty.” 

“He hired that sleaze ball attorney that’s always running commercials on TV. I’m sure he expects to bring home the bacon, at my expense.”

“So then the fat bastard runs, squealing, to his brother’s place and jumps inside.” 

“I followed him, still sneezing like crazy.”

“Now the reports have been that this second house was strongly made of lumber. Lumber? No, it was sticks! Sticks he picked up off the ground. He just leaned them against each other. There wasn’t a single nail in the whole place. I think he wrapped a few vines around them but that’s not even close to the building codes. Or the fire codes, either.” 

“And the worst of all, there was NO plumbing in any of their places. You know what that means, right? They answered their calls of nature, outside in nature! Can you imagine the smell? The flies? Like I’ve said, they were real pigs! Disgusting.” 

“ I knocked on the front door. And the place just collapsed. So they ran to the third house.”

“And you may want to check to see if they’re living here legally. They may be French on a visa. I mention that because they kept screaming “Oui! Oui! Oui!” all the way to the third brother’s house.” 

”So I followed them. I wanted to resolve this whole issue and be done with it.” 

“Now the third brother apparently has a few brain cells because he built his place with bricks. I tried knocking on the door but they wouldn’t open it. Whatever they were saying inside was so muffled it couldn’t be understood. So they probably couldn’t understand what I was saying either. There were no windows, so yelling wouldn’t work.” 

“All I wanted to do was talk to them.”

“I saw there was a chimney and I thought maybe I could yell down it, asking them to come outside and talk with me. So I climbed up on the roof and leaned into the chimney to shout down to them. But I slipped and fell into it.” 

“And do you know what was inside? They had a cauldron of boiling water below. I landed squarely in it. I suffered burns over eighty percent of my body. Permanently lost nearly all of my fur. That’s why I have to wear this sheepskin. It’s embarrassing to be seen like this.” 

“But I’m the one who was arrested and charged with assault and trespassing. Me! I’m the one who was injured and on my own property too. I’m the one that everybody now hates. I’m the one the late night TV hosts make nasty jokes about. I’m the one that is the outcast. My friends have all abandoned me. Even Marta blames me. She avoids me. Won’t talk to me.”

“Thanks to those swine, I’m a lone wolf. It’s not fair.”