Christmas Kerfuffle

Connor suffered from paranoia with a pinch of schizophrenia and often obsessed about how everyone was plotting against him. Everyone except for Josef, his best friend. At least, he trusted Josef to have his back, until this very moment. 

The wiry muscles in his arms trembled behind the sloppily wrapped present as he pulled it back towards his body. His scarred face contorted with a frown.

"You didn't get me a present?" Connor eyed the package as he ran a calloused thumb over the shiney paper. Josef sagged, wringing out the back of his baseball cap.

"I did, but I left it on the car's trunk and then a snow plow done shoved a mountain a snow up onto it and then it got buried and I was gun dig it out but that's when the vampire came fer me."

"Vampire." Connor rotated the box, slowly. "A vampire, that's what you're going with."

"Because that's what it was." Josef muttered. "This guy came over and grabbed me and tried to turn me around and then he..." Josef curled a shaking hand below his ear. "... he tried to bite my neck." 

"Feh," Connor spat. "I sort of understood when you didn't do anything for my birthday, I mean, who can keep track of everyone's birthday? But Christmas? Christmas doesn't just sneak up on you." 

"An' it dinnae. I got ya a present, it's in the snow, out there, somewhere." Thin fingers stained by years of tobacco use pointed at a window pelted by fluffy white spots of snow and framed by frost. Beyond that, only blackness. 

"Sure," Connor shook his head. Heat crept up from his gut, which was clenched, up the back of his neck. "Whatever. Here." He chucked the box at Josef and stood up. "I'm going to bed."

"Conna, wait." Josef stood up. "Don't go ta bed mad."

"I'm just really tired," Connor pinched the bridge of his nose, eyes closed, unwilling to look at his old friend as he shuffled off to his room. He rolled the second-hand Christmas sweater off of his body, it itched anyway, and slung it into the corner. He collapsed onto the mattress, whose fitted sheet and pillow cases didn't match, before exhaling. Tears brewed up at the base of his lids. He swallowed them. Dramatic. Insane. He wasn't a kid; why had he expected anything at all? And why had he exerted so much effort into getting Josef's gift? What did he think was going to happen?

Connor flashed to the story Josef had told him, of being pushed against the snow, of teeth pressed against his neck. Now the heat traveled from his clenched gut towards his towards, but didn't quite make it all the way there before bunching up and solidifying.

There was a knock at his door. Connor ignored the timid tapping.

A minute passed with the only audio being the howling wind against the mobile home's aluminium siding and his own moist breathing against the pillow case. The silence was broken by more knocking.

"Conna?"

"What?"

"I don't wanna go back outside. I'm scared." 

Connor counted down from five, which wasn't long enough, and started over from fifteen. When he'd finished his erection was gone. He sat up and folded a foot under his leg. His big toe stuck out of a hole in the fabric, chilling in the winter air. 

"Then don't go outside," Connor relented.

Josef walked around on the other side of the door, fiddling in Connor's living room with the television. Connor laid on his side, stomach rolling in knots. How could Josef lie to him? Just say you forgot. He almost didn't even care if Josef liked his present at this point. Given how the other had behaved. Almost.

Another knock on the door, ripping Connor from tentative unconsciousness. He wrenched his eyes open.

"What?"

"I'm scared to be by myself." Josef confessed. "This trailer isn't very secure. What if it followed me?"

Connor huffed, rolled off the bed, and cracked the door open

"Just let it go, I forgive you, okay? You don't have to keep the ruse going. This is embarrassing." Connor's words said Josef had been forgiven for flubbing the gift exchange but the crease between his eyebrows told a different story. It smoothed when Josef's big blue eyes met his, and Connor saw they were bigger than normal. Was he... actually afraid?

"Conna', kin ya sleep out here on the sofa or kin I sit in there on my laptop? I just dun wanna be alone," Josef held the laptop, ensconced in its drop-resistant case, against his chest. Connor bitterly thought Josef managed to save that from the vampire, but of course, it'd been in Josef's backpack, and not in his hands like the alleged present. 

"I don't really want to."

"I wouldnae ask if it weren't important."

Connor snatched his comforter and pillow from the bed and nestled himself on the lumpy sofa with the air of an irritated cat who wanted to be present but you wouldn't dare to pet. Josef settled down on the floor in front of him, facing him so the laptop screen wasn't shining in the face of his resting friend. The wind still howled outside, and Connor fell into an uneasy sleep with the clacking of the keyboard as his lullaby.

An ear-ringing clatter awoke him hours later. Connor hopped out of bed and stumbled towards his gun cabinet, convinced he was being robbed, though since he was half asleep his mind had conjured up a half-squid, half-Christmas Tree abomination intent on stealing his left kidney for a new meal called kidnalmari. It didn't really make sense but he knew to handle it he'd need the shot gun. Thankfully, the gun cabinet had a lock on it and as he fumbled with the mechanism Josef's words got through to him.

"Hey, hey, calm on down, I jes' dropped yer pans. Ya got 'em all stacked ta'getha in here like a god damt jenga set."

Connor blinked, turning away from the guns and squinting at the kitchen part of the room. Josef was standing next to his stove. Coffee percolated behind him in the machine, filling the tiny home with its aroma. Toast popped out of the toasted a second later, the red of the coils behind it starting to fade. 

"Are you... cooking?" Connor asked. 

"Tryin' to." Josef smirked. "Couldnae find any bacon though to finish the spread. I cut open some oranges and finished the toast and I was gonna fry ya an egg or two. Ya outta meat, didja run outta food stamps?"

"I didn't run out, I'm vegetarian." Connor shuffled into the kitchen, kicked the comforter wrapped around his ankles off. "I mean, yeah, I spent it, but I spent it on vegetables."

"I have no idea what this thing even is." Josef waved around a green stalk.

"That's asparagus." Connor grinned, plucking it from Josed and setting it down on the counter next to a pool created by half-melted butter. He tried to get in front of the oven but Josef pushed him away. He guided Connor back to the sofa; Connor let himself be guided since he was much taller and stronger and could have stopped the other if he wanted. "Let me help."

"Nah." Josef insisted, shaking his head. His long, greasy blonde hair shuddered with the motion. "I dinnae bring you a present so I'mma cook ya a feast."

"You can't cook though." Connor frowned.

"I kin lookitup. Sit down. Stay."

"Woof."

Eventually, eggs were served and they weren't as bad as they could have been. After breakfast, Josef was finally ready to go home and sleep in his own bed, heavy yawns punctuating most of his sentences. Connor walked him back to his car, the snow which sat on it was half-melted in the late morning sunshine. Josef only lived a mile away and the roads were barren in the usual Christmas day way, so Connor didn't stop him from driving like he normally would.

"Just take it easy," Connor pressured.

"Sure will," Josef promised. He pulled out, snow that was still snuggling his read bumped collapsing behind the car as it left. Connor stood, looking at the now empty spot. He turned to walk home, and noticed a bright red spot sticking out of the snow. He grabbed it and yanked it out, brushing clumps of melting ice and dirt off. The tag was a waxy and water resistant reindeer sticker. On it was written his name in tight, neat handwriting.

Connor stood in the street, clutching the box.