Killer Hamster

Astrologers and soothsayers, I wish they would all return to their medieval caves and stop interfering in real life. The witches pick out the worst and make it more important than everything else.

I heard a whisper in the wind saying, “What is important to you?”

Those seers ruin the lives of innocent people because their facts must be the only facts that can exist. If you don’t believe their "facts," you must die. If you refuse to change your life to fit their lies, then you must die. If you won’t drink their concoctions and eat their wine-soaked beef, then you must die. The world does spin around their broomsticks, but they seem to think it does!

A woman stands on the hinged doors of the Hangman’s execution stand, and the sack covers her head, but where is the Hangman? He seems to be otherwise occupied. The executions must go on; we can’t stop them because the Hangman is absent. 

The executions have become so common they no longer build a new stand for each death. They leave the hardened oak in place and camouflage it with flowers, banners, and wishing wells. If people knew what was under well, would they toss coins and express their fondest desires?

The Executioner is not responsible for determining innocence or guilt; it is not his place to determine the truth. The Headsman has a job, but who does his job if he is not here? Oh, you will be the…? 

“Did you hear what they said? A hamster is killing people today.”

“A hamster? Is killing people? Lor, what kind of hamster is it?”

“Well, I don’t know, they didn’t say, Lee. All I heard is: A hamster is killing people.” 

“Lor, that is preposterous! One little hamster cannot kill a person.”

The ladies stopped speaking of the killer hamster as they strolled down the dusty street and began to ponder more pleasant things, like what kind of flowers should adorn the gallows and what color they should be. The ladies did not notice the small creature following them. It was a funny shade of gray, peppered in color like a hedgehog. They paused to rest on a bench and sip lemonade. It was reddish yellow, not quite orange, and not quite red. They decided to call it Sunray; it helped them relax and enjoy the beautiful day.

As they reminisced about their youth, they failed to notice many small creatures gathering around them. They were chattering and scurrying about like kittens with a ball of string. Little by little, the hamsters were pulling at the threads, and little by little, those flowing swishes got shorter and shorter. 

When they arose from the bench, the only thing that covered their bottoms were pantaloons. The ladies were so absorbed in their beverage and gossip they did not notice half their attire was missing. The small creatures rolled threads into neat little balls as Lor and Lee discussed plans for the next Town Square Social. They picked the finest threads for the new rope. The little creatures would not disappoint the astrologers and soothsayers who wanted something more dramatic and compelling at the hangings; the hamsters did not want to end up in the witches’ cauldron.

The astrologers and soothsayers were hungry. The truth didn’t matter to them; they only wanted blood, money, and fame. They wanted another execution with that new rope and perhaps a new Hangman.

The court was in session; the judge would hear testimony about how the ladies lost their skirts. The accused critters were brought into the courtroom. There were about a thousand of them. The Judge asked the Plaintiffs to point to the guilty party and state its name. The ladies began to chat with each other and sip on their Sunrays. The Judge looked at them and said, “Ladies, I need an answer now. This is not one of your afternoon teas; it is a Courtroom.”

Lor finally spoke, “Your Honor, I just … don’t … know. They all look the same.” The judge ordered Lor to be seated and Lee to take the stand.  Lee took a deep breath and let out a heavy sigh. Her mind swirled with fear. ‘What will the judge do if I can’t identify the guilty party? He wouldn’t send me to the Gallows, would he?’

The Judge said in a booming voice teeming with authority, “You must identify the guilty party.” Just like Lor, Lee was unable to do so.

The astrologers and soothsayers anxiously waited as the Judge pondered the situation. They began contemplating who would be the next victim of the rope. Lor, Lee, or would it be the Judge?

A strange breeze circled through the courtroom. I could hear the question in the wind, “What is important to you?"

The only thing important to the Judge is this: Lee and Lor walked down Main Street with only their pantaloons covering their bottoms. It is a crime in this society to be seen in public without a skirt. The Judge set them free this time but issued a stern warning. If it happens again, you will see the killer hamster. 

Lor and Lee were startled by the judge's comment and exclaimed to each other as they left the courtroom, “The judge knows about the killer hamster? Lee stopped suddenly, grabbed Lor’s arm, and pulled her back. She said in a frightened whisper, “The lady that was on the Gallows Door is gone, but there is no body suspended in mid-air, and now a woman is preparing to execute the men? When did they start selecting women for the job?

What is important? Listen and understand. 

Is a hamster killing people? Oh my, the word is Hangestere, a term I have never heard! You cannot confuse a hamster with a Hangestere; they don’t look alike, but they could sound similar depending on the speaker's dialect. Hange- sounds like haynj-, and -stere sounds like -stair, -stare, or -stehr.

The ladies were staring at the Gallows, and they noticed the furry creatures surrounding the woman. There was no sack on her head now. The Hangestere broke the silence and said. “Beware, my dear ladies, the astrologers and soothsayers are hungry. I will pardon you this time because you donated thread for the new rope, but it is illegal to parade around in just your pantaloons, so don’t let it happen again.” In dismay, Lor and Lee shook their heads and lamented, "Now we know where our skirts went."

As for the new rope, serpent fangs are intertwined with the finest threads and flax. The fangs are razor-sharp. Not only does the rope break your neck and strangle you, it makes a bloody mess, and all the hungry critters will nip at your toes.

A killer hamster? No, a killer Hangestere. Rumor has it there was one in Ireland centuries ago.