orange

I wanted to go home and tell Mommy about everything. I wanted to tell her how Ms. Stern talked about colors at school today. I would ask her “why oranges are called oranges? is it ‘cause they’re the color orange, or is the color orange called orange ‘cause the fruit is that color? and how come you say fourteen instead of tenty four when twenty four and threety four and forty four are pronounced like that? it doesn’t make any sense.” I wanted her to smile at me and tell me all of the answers. I wanted her to laugh and say, “Darling~” with a heavy loll in her voice. And then, Mommy would tell me that “it’s thirty four not threety four,” and I would say “I know! I just wanted to make you laugh, but even then fourteen still doesn’t make sense” and she would laugh again so brightly, and I would feel like my heart would be bursting with sunshine.

But when I came home, Daddy was yelling again and I didn’t know what to do. He asks Mommy questions, questions that are so different from mine. He screams “why can’t you make sense!” with no question mark at the end, and she whispers “darling please don’t do this...you're scaring david.” When he asks her questions, she never smiles or laughs.

I wanted to say, “Please Stop Yelling We Both Have Things That Don’t Make Sense To Us But You Don’t Have To Make Mommy Whisper Like That.” I wanted to say that exactly in the voice that Ms. Stern uses when the class is too loud. It makes people want to listen to her and it makes the people who don't listen shiver.

Instead, I only said “please stop” without Ms. Stern’s voice. My voice cracked and a lump rose in my throat. Daddy didn’t hear me and I hid inside my room.

I wanted to go to school the next day and tell Ms. Stern about everything. I wanted to tell her about how Mommy used to smile like sunny oranges cut into wedges and how Daddy used to make her laugh too. I wanted to ask her “what happened to the Daddy that made her smile and when did Mommy start looking so dull? is it ‘cause Mommy doesn’t know the answers and Daddy is mad that he doesn’t know the answers either? or is it because when Mommy calls him “darling” she doesn’t have that loll in her voice anymore?” I wanted her to tell me her answers, and I would listen. She would pat my head and say “You’re Such A Good Student David” and she would teach me how to use her voice. She would tell I wasn’t being loud enough, or I was being too loud, and I would practice saying “Please Stop Yelling We Both Have Things That Don’t Make Sense To Us But You Don’t Have To Make Mommy Whisper Like That.” over and over. Finally, Ms. Stern would nod with approval like how she always does when we get a good grade.

But when recess started, Ms. Stern put her head in her hands and let out a sigh. She looked so tired and sad and I didn’t know what to do. When she noticed me, she said “You Should Go Outside And Play With The Other Kids David.” She shook her head and muttered something about having a lot of work to finish.

I wanted to ask her “Ms. Stern, are you alright???????” I wanted to say that exactly the way Amber said it with the endless question marks and infinite worry that made people melt. One time I fell down from the monkey bars, and Amber rushed over even though we didn’t really talk except for that one time she borrowed my eraser and our fingers touched. Her eyes shone with bright sunshine and she knelt down and said, “Are you alright????” and I stopped crying and said “yes” even though it still hurt a lot. I wanted to make Ms. Stern feel okay.

Instead, I only said “alright” without Amber’s question marks and I escaped into recess.

Amber was weaving through monkey bars, one hand, two hands, and a dangerous swing across. She glanced in my direction and swung down from the monkey bars and ran towards me. “Hi David!!! Wanna play with me? My mom taught me this cool trick where you can jump rope with two ropes at once it’s called double dutch and I already got Jenny but we still need one more person so do you wanna play too???”

Her smile was brighter than oranges and it stunned me. I opened my mouth to tell her this, but the words would not come out. Instead, tears dripped out of my eyes.

“David!! Are you alright??? Why are you crying???” she put an arm around me. Her voice sounded fragile. It made me want to tell her about Mommy and Ms. Stern and anything and everything. I wanted to tell her about how sad I was, about how I could never say what I wanted to, and about how small I felt. And she would listen with all of her heart, and it wouldn’t matter what Amber said because she listened. She would look at me with tremendous doe eyes and infinite worry, and I would feel alright. I looked at her, then looked at the ground. I still couldn’t speak. The words were caught behind a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach. The tears kept flowing and flowing and I couldn’t do anything to stop them. I looked up at Amber again. Her eyes shined like the sun, if the sun worried about you.

“Hahahaha...Amber...I’m alright. I just realized that you remind me of sunshine and oranges.”

“What is that supposed to mean???”

“It means that …

...I like you.”

Her smile glowed a bright amber and I swore I could taste sunny oranges.