Ice is Cold (But so is My Heart)

If there was one thing that people were the most divided on, it’s snow. Half the population loves it, and the other half hates it to their core.

           Me? I’m with the haters. Snow is so pointless. It shuts down a whole city for a week and leaves me stuck in my house with nothing to do. Today was one of those days.

Today, the weatherman called for a few inches of snow. So, of course, school was shut down. All I wanted to do was sit in my bed and drown out the world, but my stepsister, who was 8, would have no part in that. 

“SAM!” she screamed in her annoying high pitched voice, “IT’S SNOWING!! IT’S SNOWING!" 

She continued to scream-chant and run around the house like no one knew it was snowing. I was already looking out of my bedroom window. Big fat flakes fell hard and fast, transforming our once dark green lawn into a crystal white wonderland. The world had turned white. The tree branches sagged from the ice that hung off of it, creating deadly points that threatened to fall at any moment. The lake was completely frozen over and though the sun wasn’t out, it still seemed to glitter. I hadn’t been to the lake since the day my mom died. We used to go ice skating on the lake whenever it froze over. It’s amazing what weather can do to a whole world. I know I said I hated snow, but just because I hate it doesn't mean that I can’t see the beauty in it. It’s called having an open mind. 

“SNOW!” My sister howled. I shoved my face into a pillow. 

I must have fallen asleep because someone was aggressively banging at my door. Outside, the snow had slowed and it was brighter. Several more inches had fallen, which added inches to my grumpiness. The person at my door was still knocking.

“I’M COMING!” I hollered at the knocker. “Jesh.” 

I sat up on my bed and swung my feet over the side. I stood up fast and immediately regretted it. The room started to swim and little black dots swarmed my vision. I grabbed onto the dresser to steady myself. Whoever was at the door was still aggressively knocking. 

“Still coming!” I said. The black dots had gone away and the room stopped spinning. I was clear to continue to the door. I took a few steps to the door and flung it open. The knocking had come from my stepmom. She was a little taller than me with shiny black hair, bright green eyes, and a smile with deep dimples. She was definitely pretty but I still didn’t like her. 

“Yes?” I said, trying to keep the annoyance out of my voice. I failed. For once. she ignored it. Usually, I would get a “watch your mouth young lady!” or a “you will not speak to me in that manner,” 

“I need you to watch your sister,” she said, cutting right to the point. She was obviously in a hurry. 

“Stepsister.” I corrected. I started to shut the door, but she grabbed onto the door to stop me. 

“She wants to play in the snow.” 

“No way.” The room started to spin. I hated the snow, she knew this. She knew that I never went outside in the snow. For all the time she knew me, that was my number one rule. Never go out into the snow. Not since that day. 

“Look, your father and I have to go to work and I can’t get a babysitter. Lily wants to play in the snow, so you're going to take her.” 

“No.” 

“Samantha, if you do not take your sister to play in the snow, I will take away everything you’ve ever loved.” 

“You know I hate the snow.” 

“I'm tired of hearing the same old excuses every time I ask you to watch your sister-”

“Stepsister,” I correct her again. 

“This is the crap I’m tired of Samantha! I have been married to your father for six years. You and Lily have been sisters for six years! Can’t you at least try to get along with her?” 

“Sure, I’ll try.” 

“Thank you,” my stepmother sighed. 

“Just not today, in the snow.” 

“Samantha!” 

My anger and irritation were starting to bubble up. It wouldn’t be long before I lost my temper. 

“You don’t know what happened to me seven years ago. If you knew, you would have some kind of respect for my hatred of snow.” My stepmother’s face slowly turned tomato red. I couldn’t tell if it was for shame or anger, but I had the feeling it was more anger than shame. 

“Look, Sam, I don’t have time for arguing. Do you want me to pay you? I’ll pay you! All I want you to do is take Lily out in the snow for an hour then bring her inside, make a nice cup of hot chocolate, turn on the TV and go on with your life.” 

“How much will you pay me?” She had me hooked. Money was my Achilles' heel. I had no real problem with snow, just ice.

 “10 dollars an hour”, my step-mothered offered. It was a pretty nice deal but for what I was about to go through, I needed something higher.

 “15,” I countered. I could see she was desperate. 

“Fine! 15!” 

“Thank you!” I sang.

“A couple of things..." 

“Oh God” Whenever I had to babysit Lily, I always got the same speal. Make sure this, check that. Blah, blah, blah. She talks like I haven’t lived with the girl for six years of my life. 

“Number one, make sure you check her blood sugar at one.” 

“Can’t she do that?” My stepmother ignored me.

“Number two, make sure she is outside for no longer than two to three hours.” 

“I doubt we’ll be out there for one,” I mumbled under my breath. 

“And three, make sure she doesn't die.” That one hurt a lot. She didn’t know how my mother died. No one did. She didn’t know how much her words had ripped my heart into pieces. I wanted to scream at her, slam the door in her face, run to my bed and forget the world was even there. 

“Is that all?” I snapped. My stepmother opened her mouth as if to speak but closed it and gave a simple nod. 

“Thank you,” she said. 

“Mmhmm,” I said as I slammed the door. 

I walked over to my closet and pushed the door open. I knew that at any moment Lily would come banging on the door the way my step-mother had and demand that we go outside. I had a small corner of my closet dedicated to winter. It consisted of a heavy coat, a pair of gloves, a beanie, sweatshirts, waterproof overalls that my stepmother had insisted on buying us, snow boots, and my ice skates. I pulled on a pair of jeans and sweatpants, then a long sleeve shirt and one of my Hamilton sweatshirts. I shrugged on my gloves and the beanie (which had a convenient hole for my ponytail) and pulled on three layers of socks. I pushed aside my ice skates and grabbed my snow boots and coat from my closet when someone started banging on the door. Perfect timing, I thought. I walked over to the door and opened it. There stood Lily, who was almost a spitting image of her mom. She had the same black hair and the same green eyes. They had the same smile and laugh. One day I wouldn’t be able to tell the two apart. 

“Yes?” I answered. 

“Well?” she said, crossing her arms. “Are you ready?” 

“Do I look ready?” 

“You look bundled up.” 

“No duh, Sherlock.” 

“Who’s Sherlock?” Lily asked. 

“Never mind. Let's just go and get this over with.” I pushed past her and started walking down the stairs. 

“You're forgetting something.” 

I stopped and turned sharply on my heel. 

“Oh yeah? And what's that?”

“Your ice skates.” 

My blood turned to ice. There was absolutely no way I was going anywhere near that lake. 

“We’re not ice skating.” 

“Uh, yeah we are. You have a beautiful lake and you’ve never been ice skating on it! That’s a bunch of crap and we are going to change that today.” 

She had her look of defiance on her face. Her eyes would scrunch up a little and her nose would wrinkle just a tad. Her lips would be pursed together to form a thin line and she would stand with her arms crossed. When Lily got this look, she didn’t budge until she got what she wanted, just like her mother.  

“Your mom said I had to watch you while you played in the snow. Snow is not ice. Therefore you are not going ice skating.” 

“Fine then, I guess I won’t go outside...” 

“Perfect!” 

“I’ll tell mom that you didn’t take me outside and you won’t get paid,” she got the look again. 

“Look, Lily, you don’t know what happened seven years ago. If you knew, you wouldn’t want to skate, so let's just get dressed and you can go outside and play,” I turned back around and headed down the steps again. 

“So tell me,” Lily said in a small voice. 

“What?” 

“Tell me what happened seven years ago.” 

I ignored her and continued down the steps. There was absolutely no way I would tell her a single word. 

“My teacher says that if you don’t talk about something traumatic, it could haunt you forever and eat your soul.”

“I don’t give a crap about what your teacher says! She doesn't know me and my life! She doesn't know my secrets! She doesn't understand why I don’t talk about my mother! No one does! If they did, they would hate me forever!” My vision was starting to get cloudy with tears. I wanted to scream and cry and yell all at the same time. I had loved my mother, but it was my fault that she had died. 

“Maybe if you told me, you might feel better. I won’t judge you, I promise.” Lily whispered. Before I knew it, she had come down the stairs and sat down next to me. She didn’t say anything and I decided to sit down. The tears were flowing freely now, and there was nothing I could do to stop them. I sniffled and Lily put her arm around me. I took a deep breath. 

Seven years ago, my life had been perfect. Sure, I was only seven at the time, but I knew what a perfect life felt like. I had a mom and a dad who loved me with all their hearts and they were happy. My mom was an amazing person.She always dedicated herself to teaching because that is what she loved to do. If any one of her kids needed help, in or out of school, she never hesitated to help them.

One day we had a heavy snowfall. It was really cold outside (I remember because it was one of the coldest days we had ever had) and the lake had frozen over. If it was one thing my mom loved more than anything, it was snow. Snow always made her so happy. We would go sledding and have snowball fights. Her favorite part was ice skating. On that day, she had a lot of work to do and couldn’t play in the snow. I really wanted to go ice skating and begged and pleaded until she said yes. I was so happy that I immediately ran upstairs and pulled on every single pair of clothing I owned. I waddled downstairs with my ice skates in one hand and my coat in the other. I was struggling to get it on when she came downstairs. She laughed when she saw all the clothing I was wearing. She helped me take off a few layers and put on my jacket and hat.

 I took a breath and to try and stop myself from shaking.

        I remember before we went outside, she kissed me on the forehead and told me how much she loved me. I wish I could have given her a big hug or kiss her too, but all I did was tell her that I loved her too.

The shaking was becoming uncontrollable and my breath was coming in ragged gasps. 

We went down to the lake. It was a pretty big lake, 20 feet in diameter. We sat on the dock and she helped me pull on my ice skates and she pulled on hers. She always got dressed so quickly. Before I knew it, she was on the ice. She was always such a safety freak. She would test the ice before she stepped on it, always. That day she didn’t and I don’t know why. Maybe from the excitement of being on the ice. I walked toward the ice and she was coming back to get me. That’s when I heard the crack. It was like a bomb had exploded right in front of me. The bomb had opened up the ice and my mother fell in. I watched her as she fell. Her eyes were wide with surprise and fear, her mouth was slightly open. She looked right at me, the look of helplessness on her face. I cried out her name but there was nothing I could do. She was already under the ice. The paramedics said she was knocked unconscious from cold shock and drowned. I had killed her. If I hadn’t begged to ice skate, she would have never fallen in the water. Me and my greediness had killed her.

I looked at Lily, her eyes were wide and expectant. There was no way I would ever tell her any of this. Now that the story had run through my head, I was sobbing. I could see the look of realization pass over Lily’s face. I don’t know if it was the realization that I wasn’t going to talk about it or that whatever I was hiding hurt me so bad it was eating me alive. 

“It’s okay,” she whispered and pulled me into a hug. Her words hit me like a slap in the face. I knew that she was trying to comfort me but instead, it sounded like she was forgiving me for the death of a person she didn’t even know. For this one second, I let myself be loved. All these years I felt that I wasn’t deserving of love because I had let the one person who loved me most slip away. 

We sat there just like that for a long time. Lily didn’t say a word to me but held me as I cried. Someone had opened the lock to memories and all the emotions came rushing out. There was nothing I could do to stop them. I just let myself cry. When there was nothing left, I leaned against Lily. 

“We don’t have to go outside if you-” 

“No, no,” I said, sniffling. “I want to.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah,” I wiped my running nose on the sleeve of my sweatshirt. 

“Will you go ice skating?” 

I looked at Lily’s eyes and saw how much she wanted to. I wondered if this is how I had looked in my mother’s eyes. It was then that something clicked. All these years I had hidden my mother’s memory, never wanting to go in the snow and on the ice because I thought it would hurt too much. I was too scared to embrace it. Maybe accepting what had happened to her would make me realize that I shouldn’t hide her memories, but that I should do what we loved to do. That would make her happy.

“Yes.” Lily let out a squeal and ran up the stairs. 

“I’ll get your ice skates!” she hollered back at me. 

I gave a soft chuckle and gathered up her stuff along with mine. Hanging by the stairs was a picture of my mom. I looked into her smiling eyes. She was so happy, hugging me and dad both. I wish I could tell her that I love her. Lily came barreling down the stairs and broke my trance.

“Let’s go!” she shouted as she flew by me. 

I followed her down the steps when an idea suddenly came to mind. I ran back up and grabbed my mom’s picture off the wall. 

“How much longer is this going to take?” Lily whined. 

“I’m almost...done…” I said around my tongue. My tongue always hung out when I was focusing on something. Mom's had done the same.

“What are you doing? Can I at least have a peek?” 

“No!” I cried. 

“UGH!” 

“There! All done.” 

I stepped back from my handy work. The whole dock was lined with white lights and roses. In the very front, where the bench was, hung the picture of my mom. It was her favorite place in the whole wide world. We would sit there almost every night and watch the sunset. I had set up red roses around her picture. They were her favorite flower. Now, whoever came to sit here could enjoy the sunset as well as pay tribute to an amazing woman. 

“It’s beautiful,” Lily sighed. 

“Let’s go ice skate." 

I was glad she didn’t ask any questions. All I wanted to do was live in my mother’s memory for the next few hours. We put on our ice skates and came up to the edge of the ice. Lily immediately took off but I hung back until she was out of earshot. My heart was going a mile a minute and my hands were shaking so hard. I formed a fist to stop them. 

“I love you, mom.” 

I took my first tentative footstep on the ice and let go.