A Memory Best Forgotten

Content warning: holocaust, abuse

           Laying in his hospital bed awaiting the angel of death to visit, Stanislaw Kowalski held onto the hand of his grandson, Sherman, and shared a story about a time gone by but not forgotten.

           Warsaw, Poland: 1942. Fourteen-year-old, Stanislaw was out in front of his family’s four-story apartment complex. He and his friends were playing a game of kick-the-can when a loud rumble emanated from the end of the street. The game was stopped instantly as German Panzer tanks appeared followed by four half-track trucks and several soldiers on foot.

           The soldiers kicked down doors and ran into the apartment buildings, dragging out people who were suspected of being Jewish. One-by-one, they were corralled into the street. Those who resisted were shot dead. Stanislaw rushed into his apartment to warn his parents. His father stood by the window witnessing his friends being murdered in cold blood. His mother immediately grabbed hold of Stanislaw and his younger sister, Anna, and held them closely.

           Stanislaw’s father, Aleksander, told his wife to hide the children under the bed. Minutes later, Nazi soldiers broke down their door and subdued the parents. Stanislaw’s father did not want the soldiers to find the children, so he and his wife went willingly with their captors. One soldier stayed behind and searched through their belongings. When he was satisfied with the trinkets and food that he had collected, he turned to leave. Just then, Anna sneezed.

           The soldier stopped in his tracks, dropped his haul onto a nearby chair, and went in search of the source of the sound. It did not take long before he discovered the two children hiding under the bed. He grabbed Anna by the arm and pulled her out. Stanislaw retreated to the back corner by the wall attempting to prevent capture, but the soldier flipped the rusty spring bed over and grabbed Stanislaw by the hair. Now, with both hands full, he looked toward the collection he had left on the chair and debated whether he could carry them as well but decided to leave them behind.

           Out on the street, Stanislaw and Anna joined the rest of the residents. They spotted their parents and ran to their side. Soldiers began separating the men and women and loaded them into the backs of trucks. Stanislaw’s mother cried out in protest as she and Anna were taken from Aleksander and Stanislaw. A soldier slapped her across the face and told her to get onto the truck. Aleksander began to charge toward the soldier who had assaulted his wife but was met with the barrel of a Mauser pistol.

           The trucks took the townspeople to a waiting train where they were loaded like cattle into empty freight cars and taken on a long journey to Auschwitz, a concentration camp run by the SS in occupied Poland.

           As they were taken off the train, Stanislaw and his father were led to a building with dozens of other men. They were forced to remove all their clothing and were then sprayed down with cold water. They were given dirty clothes to replace what they had worn there and were escorted to a large barracks where they joined hundreds of other men. Each barracks was approximately 116 x 36 feet and was divided into bays where four men were forced to sleep in an area of about eleven square feet.

           Sleep was not something that happened regularly, however. The days were cold, and the nights were even colder. Many of the men died of hypothermia or starvation. Those still able to work were given jobs to do around the camp.

           Aleksander searched every day for his wife and daughter but was unable to find them. One of the inmates informed Aleksander that there were dozens of camps like Auschwitz being run by the Germans, so his wife and Anna could have been taken to one of the other camps instead.

           By the third day in the camp, one of the SS soldiers approached Stanislaw and pulled him to the side. He told Stanislaw that if he does what is asked of him, that he will make sure he receives an extra portion of food each day. Stanislaw’s stomach began to growl at the thought of food and he reluctantly agreed.

           The first task that the soldier had Stanislaw do, was to shine his boots. After he was satisfied with Stanislaw’s abilities, he ordered him to clean up his living quarters. While tidying up, Stanislaw spotted the soldier’s gun hanging in a holster from the coat rack. He pondered grabbing it and shooting the soldier but decided against it. Firstly, he did not know how to fire a gun, and secondly, he knew that there was no way he could get away with it.

           He looked at the name of the soldier on a memo that sat upon his desk. It read, Major Johann Schmidt. Stanislaw learned to stay quiet unless spoken to. He wanted to avoid getting beaten. The Major had treated him fairly, so far and he wanted to keep it that way.

           As promised, before he left Major Schmidt’s quarters, he was treated to a small bowl of hot soup. His insides were immediately filled with warmth and although the soup had little taste, he considered it to be the best food he had eaten in a long time.

           Stanislaw returned to the barracks where his father waited with a small loaf of plain bread in his hand. He tore the loaf in half and handed the larger portion to his son. Stanislaw stared at the bread for a moment, then handed it back to his father. His father tried to push the offering away, but Stanislaw insisted. He told his father about the soup that the Major had given to him and lied that he was no longer hungry. His father gratefully accepted the gift and told his son to keep doing what they say so he can improve his chances of survival.

           As the weeks passed, the chores continued. Stanislaw no longer waited for the Major to call on him. Instead, he awoke early and waited outside of the Major’s quarters. It was not long before the Major began to bond with this young man. He even confided in Stanislaw that he had a son around the same age back in Berlin, but he had not seen him in almost a year. Stanislaw could see the sadness in the Major’s eyes.

           As the number of men in their barracks kept diminishing, Stanislaw began to question his father as to where they were going. Aleksander sighed and simply said, “You need not know of such things.” He would quickly change the subject, though Stanislaw’s curiosity had still gotten the best of him. The following day, after helping the Major, Stanislaw decided to explore the camp.

           Nearby the entrance to the camp, Stanislaw noticed a large structure with hoses hooked up to the roof. Several of the inmates were being led toward it. They looked frail and near death. He overheard one of the soldiers telling one woman that she needed to wait in the building with the others, and in a short time, the train would return to bring them back home. The woman smiled at the thought of freedom. Stanislaw ran back to tell his father.

           After explaining what he had seen, Aleksander told Stanislaw to never go over there again. When Stanislaw questioned his father why he would say such a thing, Aleksander just insisted that he do as he said. Stanislaw knew that his father was not telling him everything.

           Weeks turned into months. Stanislaw’s fifteenth birthday had passed, though he was unaware of it. Time seemed irrelevant in the camp. His body grew stronger as he continued to do chores for the Major, while others around him began to fade away. One day changed his way of thinking. He spotted his father going off toward the entrance to the camp. He entered the structure that Stanislaw was told to stay away from. Moments later, his father appeared carrying a person over his shoulder. He lifted the body onto the back of a truck and returned to the inside of the chamber once again. He soon came out with another body. This continued until the truck was full of bodies.

           Later that evening, Stanislaw asked his father about what he had seen. Aleksander gave a deep sigh and began to explain that what he saw was a gas chamber. They had been killing the prisoners who were no longer healthy enough to work. Stanislaw questioned as to where the truck was taking all the bodies. His father refused to tell him, but Stanislaw persisted until his father told him the gruesome news.

           He told Stanislaw that there was an area not too far from the camp where massive holes had been dug. The inmates were being told to throw the bodies of the dead into the holes. Layers of sand were then dumped overtop them. Stanislaw began to sob as he pictured the details in his mind. His father held him tightly.

           Stanislaw continued to work with the Major despite his new knowledge of the Nazi’s “Final Solution”, as they called it. The difference now is that he spent every opportunity trying to find out information about the war going on around him. He would then pass the information off to his father and some of the other men in the barracks. They wanted to revolt, but most of them lacked the strength to fight anymore. Some attempted to escape but were shot down before they reached the outer perimeter.

           One day, while passing information off to one of the inmates, Aleksander was overheard by an SS officer and brought to the camp commander to find out how they should deal with him. The commander called for Stanislaw to witness his father’s punishment. The Major restrained Stanislaw and they watched as the commander ordered his soldiers to slice open Aleksander’s abdomen. He then ordered them to throw him into the kennel with the dogs. Stanislaw watched in horror as the vicious dogs tore away at his father’s flesh piece-by-piece. The sounds of his father’s screams echoed inside his head. He closed his eyes as tightly as he could but was unable to cover his ears due to the Major’s restraint.

           Stanislaw fell to the ground and began to cry uncontrollably. He had nothing left to live for. His family was all gone. All seemed hopeless. He returned to the barracks where he covered up with his father’s thin blanket and cried himself to sleep.

           In the days that followed, Stanislaw refused to eat. He no longer volunteered to help the Major, and Major Schmidt left him alone. He felt pity for the boy. Over time, however, Stanislaw started to feel the will to live once again. He had overheard two soldiers speaking of the Russian Red Army breaking through a German blockade. Hope found its way back into Auschwitz.

           On January 27, 1945, the camp was taken by the Red Army and the 7,000 remaining prisoners were finally freed. Although Stanislaw was happy to be leaving the camp, he felt so alone. The freed people were once again loaded into trains, but this time with provisions provided by the Red Army, and they were returned to Warsaw. The city had been left in ruin during the war, but the remaining people pitched in and began to clean it up and rebuild.

           Stanislaw returned to his old apartment. The top level of the building had been destroyed, but his apartment was still intact. As he walked through the door, he was treated with a wonderful surprise. His mother and sister were seated on the couch.

           When they heard him enter, his mother had stood to her feet. Stanislaw almost did not recognize her. The camp she was in had taken a toll on her once beautiful appearance. Her face was sunken and pale. Her arms were covered with bruises and dark circles surrounded her formerly bright eyes. She held out her arms and he ran to her. As he tried to hug Anna, she pulled away. He found out later, that Anna had been sexually assaulted repeatedly by several of the Nazi soldiers while at the camp, as had their mother.

           Stanislaw informed them of the brutal murder of his father that he had witnessed, and they all sat in silence for an undetermined amount of time until the daylight turned to nightfall and they laid together on the hard floor where they fell asleep as free people once again. Although they were freed physically, their minds were never free after that.

           ***

           Back in the hospital, Stanislaw turned to his bedside table where several pictures sat. He stared at one of his parents with him and Anna, then he faded off into a slumber from which he would never awaken.