First Shower

It was a midsummer afternoon in Jhimil, Jalpaiguri. The weather was warm and cozy and the quite little village was as pretty as ever. The mild breeze, the frame of faraway hilltops, the faint outline of river Sankosh amidst the green down the slope, the nameless path that stumbles through the rocky slope to end uncertainly into the Sal forest… they all anticipate longingly for admiring eyes in lonely sunsets like this. Whenever Bitan came here he walked to the end of the village to greet this view almost every day. But in general, there are places just as beautiful if not more around these hills of Dooars that are less remote, so Jhimil seldom gets visitors to amaze. Today was different though. Like Bitan, someone else was also revisiting after a long time. A stranger was sitting at the bench close to the edge of the slope. Nobody usually came around here, at this end of the village. Bitan always treated it like his secret spot, ‘where the almost untried path laid waiting’. He felt a bit betrayed, unnecessarily, but then he moved closer.

Hi! I am Bitan.

-Hi?

- It’s just… I had a feeling I should know who you are.

Shaleen turned around to take a better look. A handsome young guy of 23 or 24, with brilliant black eyes was beaming at her. There seemed to be an obvious response he was expecting, except Shaleen had no idea what it was. Was she forgetting something? Or, was he trying to flirt? Shaleen thought she would just laugh in his face or tell him he was 6 years too late and arguably too young too. But, she didn’t. She stood there, questioningly. And the boy tried to explain.

-You used to be a popular writer, right?

‘Yes. I am a writer’. Shaleen’s tone had a hint of annoyance. People talk as if it’s a job you can retire from. Once you start writing you stay a writer even when you lose the touch of pen and paper. The stories get blurry and tangled, but they keep reaching you nonetheless. Something new happens every day, sometimes you don’t note it, or sometimes you just lack the power to express it. But the art stays latent inside an artist. This was of course her own opinion that the person next to her couldn’t possibly have any clue of. For her, she lost connection with her stories simply because she was out of touch. She left control of her life years ago, and now she felt miserable and clueless every day. She stopped writing and eventually forgot what to write. Now that she was trying to get a grip on everything, she was overwhelmed. As a result, people often found her gaping, lost in her thoughts, in the middle of an ongoing conversation these days. The same thing happened with this one. She was regretting ‘letting life pass her by’ as the stranger waited there patiently.

Bitan didn’t know what thoughts were running in her head but he wasn’t surprised. He remembered her. It’s probably been 6-7 years since her last book was published. Her novels were always popular but her identity was a well-kept secret. She published one book each year as Rudra and never appeared in any public launch or interviews. She definitely hadn’t expected to be recognized. He was curious. More importantly, running into her out of the blue might be the miracle he desperately wanted.

In a few moments Shaleen realized Bitan was still looking at her face. Bitan was right. She had no idea how he knew her. Bitan answered that before she could ask- “my mom is a big fan of yours. My cousin and your niece are in the same school. They are good friends, quite inseparable… She and my mom made sure we all know everything about you by heart. Diti is your niece, right? She has been to our house a few times.”

-O. Yeah, she is.

Have you read any of my books?

- A few. I love your writing.

- been here before?

- My grandparents lived here. How do you know this place?

- Our car broke down near Jhimil once. It was a long time ago… on my honeymoon actually.

And so-so the conversation went on. They started walking along the deserted hilly pathway. Both of them had plenty of time at hand and no one else to talk to.

Shaleen looked prettier than Bitan remembered. Her face hadn’t aged in the past few years except for her hair. She had a tiny, firm figure, and an adorable, innocent face that always looked pleased – her appearance was in complete contrary with the image that any information about her character or her past conveyed. Bitan’s curiosity was growing. She was in her early 30s (32 if he knew the exact). She might not recognize him but they had met a couple of times in gatherings; once at her sisters’, when she was alive and then with Diti at school programs. He wasn’t exaggerating about Diti and Tora. He was often included in their childish demands and endless chatters. Diti talked a lot of her. They probably became each other’s biggest support after her mom’s sudden death. She even stopped writing after her sister’s death. As far as he had heard Diti was the only close relation she kept. The sisters had lost their parents early in life. The only other bit of personal information he had was that she separated from her husband few years back and they divorced recently. Why would she visit the place that she remembered from their honeymoon soon after divorce? For some reason Bitan had imagined a lengthy and unpleasant divorce.

Bitan didn’t bother to give her any more thought. His own life was all over the place. His girlfriend Ridhima was going to marry someone else in ten days and there was a slight chance writer Rudra could convince her otherwise. What happened was, Ridhima’s father found out about their relationship few months back and made a huge fuss about it. He didn’t think it would escalate any farther but her father arranged Ridhima’s marriage with someone else soon after. Bitan and Ridhima tried everything to persuade him but he didn’t want a fresh college graduate unemployed neighbor as his son-in-law. Then Ridhima made it clear that her father and her family’s decision was the final one in this matter. Bitan approached his own family for help but that backfired disastrously. It landed him here at Jhimil at an attempt to mend his broken heart. There’s nothing out of the ordinary in his story. There’s likely to be 15 other cases more or less the same taking place simultaneously elsewhere in India. But unfortunately for Bitan it still felt like the end of his little world. But now, maybe, if he could convince Shaleen to help him, she might change Ridhima’s heart. After all Ridhima was a huge fan of Rudra. And, what else are romance writers good for!

Shaleen was a dainty, detached individual who fancied having opinions about every little thing that caught her eyes in everyday life; and even then, the level of her overall unmindfulness was surprisingly high. She was indeed that popular writer, but Bitan definitely lied about liking her writing. He had judged her dreamy love stories as his duty to manliness. Shaleen’s career started with their college’s literary club. Her seniors persistently helped her publish her first book when she wasn’t even sure she wanted to be a writer. But there was no going back. Her books became popular without fail. But she kept her identity secret. Although, Rudra wasn’t a penname, it was her surname. But nobody suspected that. She never mentioned any of it to her family either. She was loved enough, but they somehow forgot to care about her. Her sister was the outward, smart one; she was in medical school already. Shaleen was the black ship of the family. Not much was expected of her and she preferred it that way. Her protagonists were always happy-go-lucky and in one way or another fall madly in love. But Shaleen’s own life was very different. Never once in her life was she sure of the presence of love but it’s longing never left her side. Most of her stories originated to resolve the ‘what if’s and ‘should have’s that she collected along the line. It wasn’t true that she stopped writing after Nellie’s death. She wanted to write about something other than love, but nobody read her children’s book. So she stopped. But, Nellie did shake her beliefs. She couldn’t believe a broken heart can push a strong girl like her to death. Her sister took Shaleen’s faith in love with her. 

The next two days went terribly for both of them. They argued continuously and still refused to leave each other’s company. Bitan was persistent. By the second night, Shaleen knew every little detail, every cherished memory of their love story. But she wasn’t ready to be a love guru. Bitan wanted her to take her stance as a believer in love. Shaleen wanted him to accept the reality of the situation. There wasn’t a single variable he could change to turn it around in his favor. It was unlikely that he could get a decent job within the next week, but it was impossible for that job to be good enough to win over Ridhima’s family. People who care too much about the society and a society that considers neighbors falling in love scandalous can never change. Bitan was a year younger than his girlfriend. His family wasn’t happy. But the only point that made the difference was that Ridhima had cut all ties with him. Indian parents have mastered the art of blackmailing kids with guilt over centuries and Ridhima’s dad had a heart condition as surplus. But also, when a girl is given an ultimatum for marriage it is normal for her to side with stability and security over passion. Whatever be the reason, if Ridhima didn’t contact Bitan for the last 3 months then she didn’t ‘have to’, she most likely ‘chose to’. The boy just wasn’t ready to accept that Ridhima had let go. It frustrated Shaleen how the most important fact got buried in all this brainstorming; Bitan wasn’t mature enough to get married yet, and maybe neither was Ridhima.

It was a wise choice to stay away from the wedding. Problem was, Shaleen got too agitated. It’s annoying when people act dumb in love. Shaleen agreed to come back to Kolkata with Bitan and help him in every possible way to win over Ridhima. Shaleen was sure that they were bound to fail. When they fail, Shaleen wanted to be there with Bitan, not to console him, but to savor his misery. Yes, if Bitan was to act childishly and ruin his ex’s wedding (and more importantly, sabotage Shaleen’s soul-searching holiday), she wanted him to learn his lesson. The trip was important for her. She had been dragging along a dead marriage for almost 8 years and the court had finally freed her. She went to Jhimil hoping for solitude, to recharge for a fresh start. She wasn’t happy to be back to hot and humid Kolkata to distribute unsolicited advices to complete strangers on something serious like marriage. But, like they say, ill-wishes are like boomerangs, when they miss the target they turn their path to you. When Shaleen impulsively wished Bitan to be miserable she couldn’t imagine what the wedding had in store for herself.

After coming back, Bitan took Shaleen straight home. Shaleen didn’t resist. His parents were pleasantly surprised. Then Bitan told them she would be staying there all week for the wedding. They both got kicked out. Shaleen lived alone. So, it wasn’t an immediate problem. They focused on meeting Ridhima. Shaleen thought it would take some time to reach Ridhima but she agreed to meet them readily. Ridhima looked more eager to talk to Bitan than to meet her favorite author. Shaleen was actually relieved to leave them to make up on their own. But when the conversation ended Bitan came out looking crushed. Shaleen was right, unfortunately. Ridhima had moved on. She looked uncomfortable than distressed. She came for a closer. But Bitan still didn’t look ready to accept it. Shaleen genuinely felt sorry for him, and she could tell so did Ridhima. But there was nothing they could do. Ridhima gave Shaleen an elaborate explanation for her feelings and her situations. But they both knew the words were wasted on the person they were actually meant for. One hour later Ridhima left wedding invitations for both of them and walked away in silence. The rest of the day passed silent in utter lose of words.

Shaleen spent the night sleepless, listening Bitan cry and moan in the next room. Shaleen knew from the beginning it wouldn’t be pleasant, but she never thought end of one’s love would make her feel this powerless. Bitan looked reasonable and resolved the next morning though. Relations or emotions can’t be wiped clean in a day, but he was mentally prepared to leave the whole thing behind. Shaleen felt relieved; but yet again Bitan stifled her spirits. Bitan wanted to meet Ridhima’s fiancée, not as Ridhima’s ex, but as her friend. Not just that, he wanted Shaleen to accompany him for support. Shaleen disagreed with every part of it. But it was important to Bitan. Maybe he was right. Maybe meeting him could help him process his feelings. Like Ridhima, he also wanted his childhood friend back. This time, they had a hard time convincing Ridhima. Shaleen had to take responsibility that Bitan wouldn’t bring up his feelings in front of him. There was only three days left to the wedding. They met Ridhima’s fiancée. He was a tall, dark, handsome, rich guy with a kind smile. Also, he was Shaleen’s high school sweetheart Tridib.

It had been almost 15 years, but the sharp pang in Shaleen’s heart felt fresh. It wasn’t like Tridib broke her heart or something. They dated for three years. The relationship was nice while it lasted and the break up was peaceful. Shaleen was the one who wanted to end the relationship. They stayed friends, but the bond broke. Then life drifted them apart. And yet, all these years later Shaleen felt numb at the sight of him. Ridhima hadn’t arrived yet. There was an uncomfortable pause of few minutes. That was enough time for Shaleen to catch up with her old life. She wasn’t sure how she felt. Tridib was her first boyfriend. They had been friends all their life. They cherished the time they spent together. Maybe because they were young and crazy, they felt that they knew each other, they understood each other. Tridib was probably the only guy Shaleen ever opened up to. Yes, even after 10 years of married life she and Vasisth stayed strangers. That’s because their relationship started and ended with necessities, be it physical or social. None of them made the effort to bother about emotions. But it wasn’t about Vasisth, it was about Tridib.

Shaleen loved being with Tridib. But all the time she spent with him, she couldn’t stop feeling guilty. It always felt like something was missing; she always felt she loved Tridib, but not the way she was supposed to. Shaleen finally drew a conclusion – she wasn’t in love, but she was pretending for some reason. Shaleen found the reason soon enough. Feeling loved feels way better than feeling lonely. Tridib deserved to know the truth and she told him. Tridib cried a lot more than Bitan, but they got through it. But their friendship lost its way. Shaleen never regretted breaking up with Tridib but she missed the love she lost. Maybe because she refused love so bluntly, but love never turned back her way. Shaleen married Vasisth because she wanted to be loved, but that blind search only made her lonelier (also, routine sex proved to be a buzz killer for emotional bonding).

Bitan didn’t get much chance to talk. He could feel he had no part in the ongoing silent conversation. Shaleen wanted to say sorry. She didn’t want his love back, but she wanted him to know that he was valued. Tridib wanted her to know he was happy to see an old friend. They didn’t have words to say, but they hugged. They stumbled a bit, but they greeted each other like old friends. By the time Ridhima came, their ages old discomfort was put to rest. Tridib was excited to introduce his fiancée to her. Shaleen was worried Bitan and Ridhima’s past might complicate Tridib’s life. Luckily it all worked out. Shaleen hoped for Bitan to get his closer, but she got hers. Ridhima and Tridib’s wedding went perfectly and they were every bit of the happy and carefree newlyweds they were supposed to be. 

Bitan got over his heartache suspiciously soon. It annoyed Shaleen even more than the heartache itself. Bitan’s parents came by to collect their son soon after the wedding. Bitan refused to return initially but gave in at Shaleen’s insistence. Shaleen is working on her new book now. She has decided to explore other genres than romance. But it seems like she already made her truce with love. The first shower of rainy season has officially reached Kolkata and it reminds her of someone. After a long time Shaleen have someone in her mind. Bitan is far from the prince charming she had in mind, but she feels at ease around him. For the first time in forever she doesn’t miss something, she doesn’t feel lonely. Maybe it’s the wedding, or the timing, or maybe it is the call of destiny… as of today Shaleen is ready for the first shower of love.