A Recipe for Disaster

Recipe for Disaster Magazine

previously Recipe for Disaster Blog

Volume 1 (with any luck Volume Last)

January 24, 2724

HOW TO DESTROY THE WORLD

By Anonymous

Have you ever wished to see the world burn? Then this article is for you! Inside is a recipe that brings about the end of the world, 94% GUARANTEED success rate! You will be perfectly satisfied with the outcome of this one-of-a-kind recipe!

If you do not seek to destroy the world please stop reading this and reflect on your life.

Important to note before continuing; going to therapy can lower the success rate of this recipe by 67%. If you have gone to therapy in the last three years please do not attempt. Moving forward could have disastrous effects on your mental health, symptoms include crippling guilt and self loathing.

Author’s note:

Before getting into the recipe, I must tell my reader just a touch about myself. I am what some may call a bad guy, or a maniac, or an unfeeling machine who should be behind bars. I prefer the title ‘ambitious entrepreneur.’ I must confess to you my own reason behind this enlightened (If I do say so myself) recipe. I plan and hope to work along side you, the constructor of destruction, as the savior of mankind.

I, through dark means that I am immensely proud of, have acquired a rather large extraterrestrial spacecraft. One that can easily carry 500 people plus the necessary baggage that must come with them. Food, water, building material, et cetera, et cetera. I have nearly finished replicating this craft seven times, and will soon have my one of a kind fleet complete. Do you get what I am getting at?

Yes! Of course you do! You are a fellow mastermind. You will destroy the world while I sweep a select few off to safety, where they will worship the ground I walk on. You don’t need every little detail of my glorious vision, but I will give you a hint about our destination! It’s red. cliche I know, but for good reason.

I’m laughing manically just thinking of what we will accomplish together. But I digress, on to the true purpose of this article.

Now for the (dramatic drum roll please)

Ingredients:

-one heart seeking revenge (this is metaphorical, a harvested organ is not required)

-two close conspirators who agree with you and are unreservedly loyal

-one secure political platform or podcast (a close conspirator with this will suffice)

-1,000 or more fake social media accounts (if you have the funds to buy artificial accounts do that)

-10 to 20 minions, can be relatives or friends or strangers you paid, but must believe in you with all their hearts and souls

-video lecture that clearly explains your reasoning (shorter the better)

-video of you ominously saying a form of I told you so- ex. “I am proven right”

-famous scientist with low moral code and self esteem

Optional:

Lover who died or somehow stopped being your lover (cannot be your fault)

An abundance of fuel for many fires (yes, this is optional, but please, please, please use it. It would be so fun.)

Directions:

First, make triple sure your heart and head are in the right place. Set aside.

Gather Conspirators and explain in detail the ways you have been wronged by the world as a whole, use any reason you can think of. Conspirators must be convinced that you are correct. Eagerly relate plan to destroy the world to them (you will have a complete understanding of it by the end of this recipe). Send conspirators out to do your bidding since you will be too busy destroying the world.

Assign minions to fake accounts, each with a different topic. For example, you want a page dedicated to reading, one to professional basketball, one to memes, anything to gather followers.

Grow political platform until it is well known, preferably to household name standards, strong family ties are of the utmost importance. Then, and this is where it gets fun, prophesy the world’s end and site your scientist for credibility. I suggest a flaming asteroid, the largest recorded since the lifetime of Aristotle. I can see the headlines now!

Have every fake account support you wholeheartedly, 8 times out of 11 their followers will believe them.

Optional portion: As the day of the asteroid’s landing draws near, set fires everywhere. Have your minion create wildfires across the globe. This will prove that the asteroid, which is on fire and very hot, is getting closer to the earth’s atmosphere. No, that is not scientifically accurate, but people are idiots.

At this point it should be all coming together (if it is not I suggest a career change, a hermit would do well).

In the final moments, right before all media is destroyed for eternity, publish explanation video so that the whole world knows of your success. This is where the vengeful heart comes in! You must have every ounce of hatred in your heart shooting through the screen into the terrified faces of the masses.

Or, if you don’t want to be portrayed as a villain, post the “I told you so” video, also with a load of despisery. Also show a touch of sadness, if you are a good enough actor. Choose one video, discard the other.

Try this at home! (Or literally anywhere)

Please do not come crying to me if this recipe does not work. The problem, whatever it may be, is most assuredly your fault. Or you may just be part of that 6 unguaranteed percent.

If this recipe does work (it should) you will have a reserved spot on one of my ships, if you want it. You will also be included as an elite in our new society, though you may need some plastic surgery before going out in public. Obviously, I know your plan already so it won’t be too difficult for me to figure out who you are once it is up and rolling. I will contact you once the prophecy is announced to the world.

I assume if you want the world destroyed you don’t have many loved ones but if you do they can come too. Let’s keep it below five. I’ll be looking forward to meeting you, comrade!

*positive feedback may be sent to the address in the back of this article. Also, the author photo is fake, so if you see that man on the street don’t ask for his autograph, he is a nobody.