Kevin and I

‘I had the strangest dream about you last night, bro.’

Kevin observes me with a smirk as I hand a freshly printed train timetable to an elderly passenger. After the man leaves my counter and shuffles out of the Information Centre, Kevin, Lucinda, and I remain alone behind the long desk. Swivelling our chairs to face each other, we ease into more casual postures. Kevin leans back with his hands behind his head while Lucinda retrieves her latte from under her seat.

‘Since when am I your bro, Kev?’ Lucinda sasses, inspecting her acrylic nails. ‘I told you to call me Mama Lucinda. Oh, pardon me,’ she adds, pointing at me. ‘You were talking to Tim.’

Kevin chuckles, missing the subtle wink Lucinda shoots my way, and I smile along, pretending not to take her hint seriously.

‘So, what was the dream about, Kev?’ Lucinda asks on.

‘I dreamt I was buying a ticket for a musical at the theatre,’ Kevin says. ‘And who do I see on stage but Tim, dressed as a Marylin Monroe cosplayer, complete with the wig and all.’

‘Pffht – What?’ I splutter as Lucinda bursts out laughing. ‘You just made that up.’

‘I swear, I dreamt it,’ Kevin says, raising his hands defensively. ‘I don’t know why.’

‘In what way do you see me in that way?’ I force a chuckle, but I can feel a flush in my cheeks.

‘Isn’t it funny?’ Lucinda remarks, sipping her latte while her eyes are secretly set on me with a meaningful gaze. ‘Our minds work in mysterious ways during dreams.’

‘Definitely,’ Kevin chimes in. ‘Seeing Tim in a dress was quite amusing.’

As my cheeks grow ever hotter, I attempt to redirect the joke towards Kevin. ‘Maybe it’s your secret fantasy,’ I jest. ‘It’s okay, Kev. No judgement here.’

Kevin is momentarily stumped, a faint blush tinting his cheeks as well. Sensing his unease, I quickly say, ‘I’m just kidding. I know it’s not.’

‘Oooh, my back is killing me,’ Lucinda moans, pushing herself up from her chair and stretching her petite, rounded figure. Both Kevin and I look over at her, and I’m glad our attention is off of each other. Lucinda has a knack for smoothly changing the topic whenever things begin to feel awkward, and I still haven’t figured out if it’s intentional or not.

‘I’m so treating myself to a massage next week,’ she says, clapping her hands. ‘You guys excited for the spa? I wish our bosses organised these retreats more than once a year. You’re both still going, right? For all three nights?’

‘Yup,’ Kevin says.

‘I am,’ I say.

‘Kevin, since your girlfriend can’t make it, our group will consist of four people in total,’ Lucinda goes on, counting on her fingers. ‘I’ll be sharing a room with my hubby, so the two of you can take the other room. Does that work for you?’

‘Yeah … Yeah … Sure,’ Kevin and I mutter, both nonchalantly.

I keep my face straight, but a flurry of butterflies swirls in my stomach. Lucinda, looking between one of us and the other, purses her lips, clearly fighting back a knowing grin. ‘The train leaves at nine forty-five on Monday. And don’t forget your swimsuits.’

When the shift is over, and I’m taking the late bus home, my mind drifts into a reverie. Gazing out the window, my eyes flit from one passing street light to the next, a faint smile tugging at the corners of my lips.

In a few days, Kevin and I will be sharing a room for three nights. Three.

He, Lucinda and I have been best buddies for almost six months, and I couldn’t have wished for better company at work. Lucinda is the queen of cheek, and Kevin, the most recent addition to our group, is the perfect free spirit to add to the mood.

I often feel like I’m the most boring of the three, but Lucinda prefers to call me the ‘gorgeously shy one’. She calls me gorgeous a lot, and while I do visit the gym and look after my appearance, I’m never sure if I believe her. Lucinda is the kind of person who will call anyone gorgeous to make them feel special.

Kevin, on the other hand – he’s the gorgeous one. While I look like the typical, polished information assistant, Kevin couldn’t hide his personal style if he tried. His earrings and tattooed arms clash with the formal suit in the most dashing way, and I’ve felt a connection with his kind blue eyes since we first started working together. One look at him, and it feels like we can tell each other everything.

Can we?

I’ve never told Kevin much about my personal life, and he certainly doesn’t know I’m into guys. Not officially, at least. Lucinda knows because she’s nosey and has asked me everything there was to ask within the first day when I was a newcomer.

Kevin, on the other hand, doesn’t ask anything. I would have gladly told him if he’d asked, but he prefers to talk about his own life and give me space to add things about myself if I want to. I never do. I wish I could talk as freely about my ex-boyfriends as Kevin talks about his girlfriend, but it goes too directly against my shy nature.

And yes, Kevin has a girlfriend, and I’ve never stood a chance with him anyway. Not in the way I usually dream.

Speaking of which, what was the deal with that dream Kevin had about me? Cosplaying as Merylin Monroe? Really? Perhaps it was his subconscious way of trying to figure me out. Not that he did, but considering the fact I’m gay, he was close enough.

As I reach the front steps of the house I currently live in, I hear a text message bleeping inside my pocket. I let myself inside, lock the door and quietly make my way up the stairs to the room that I’m renting. Before even taking my rucksack off, I check the phone, and a surge of anticipation passes through me when I see it’s a text from Kevin.

Can you please call me?

           That was all he wrote, and I can’t decide what it means. I want to keep my voice steady when I dial his number, so I clear my throat several times before pressing the button. It rings only once before Kevin picks up.

           ‘Hey, Tim!’

           ‘What’s up?’

           ‘You weren’t already sleeping, right?’

           ‘Nah, I just got home.’

           ‘Listen, I wanted to ask you something,’ Kevin says in a bit of a rush. ‘Do you have anyone else to bring to the spa on Monday? I probably won’t make it, so I wanted to tell you now to give you enough time to ask someone else.’

           The impact of those words is like a wrecking ball to my insides, and I can feel myself collapsing internally. Still, I maintain a facade of polite confusion when I reply, ‘Ah, okay, no problem. Is something wrong?’

           ‘No,’ he says, sighing. ‘I mean, yes. I just had a fight with my girlfriend. Remember when I said she couldn’t make it to the spa because of her job? I didn’t realise she expected me to cancel my booking altogether. She doesn’t want me to go without her. Look, I’m sorry. I hope you get someone else. You have the whole weekend to ask someone.’

           ‘No, no, it’s all good, man, no worries,’ I say mechanically. ‘I understand where she’s coming from.’

           ‘I don’t,’ Kevin snaps in frustration. ‘Look, I hope you have fun, and I’ll see you next Friday when you’re back.’

           ‘Yeah, sure,’ I say. ‘And really, don’t be upset. I went last year, and that spa is overrated, anyway.’

           ‘It’s not the spa.’ Kevin grunts. ‘I’ll miss spending time with Lucinda and – you know - you. It sucks. Okay, I won’t keep you. Goodnight.’

           ‘Goodnight.’

           We hang up, and the air feels stagnant around me, almost suffocating. The weight of the disappointment causes my rucksack to slip off my shoulder as I slump into my chair. For a while, I sit there, staring at a blank spot on the opposite wall. What was I expecting, anyway? For something to happen between Kevin and me? He has a girlfriend. Even if sparks flew between us, he would never cross that line, and neither would I. I can’t do this to his girlfriend. Daydreaming about Kevin is one thing, but going beyond that would just be stupid.

It’s time to stop dreaming.

           I can’t really function the next day. The stressful thought about who to bring instead of Kevin won’t stay out of my head, and I can’t think of a single friend or – yuck! – relative to join me. Yet, if I don’t bring someone else, Kevin will feel even more guilty about backing out.

           The entire Saturday is lousy, and the only activity I can bring myself to do is the gym. Otherwise, I spend the day lying around and playing games on my phone. The day drifts by, I don’t get much sleep at night, and Sunday arrives. It’s time to pack, and I still haven’t even asked anyone to take Kevin’s place. Half-heartedly tossing pieces of clothes into my small suitcase, I’m contemplating whether I should cancel my reservation, too.

           Then, my phone rings again. I check the caller ID, and it’s Lucinda.

           ‘Hello?’ I answer.

           ‘Hello, gorgeous,’ Lucinda says. ‘Have you found anyone else for the spa trip?’

           I wince. ‘Not you too, Lucinda, please.’

           ‘Hush,’ she says bossily. ‘I hope you haven’t, and if you have, cancel them because Kevin is coming.’

           ‘Um – what?’ I ask, confusion gripping my mind. ‘I’m not following.’

           ‘Kevin is coming to the spa,’ Lucinda asserts. ‘I talked to him last night and told him he’s in for a life of misery if he allows his insecure girlfriend to control every minute of his free time. I also mentioned you’d be devastated if he didn’t come, so he laughed and said he’s joining no matter what.’

           I cringe, though a tiny drop of warmth spreads inside of me. ‘You told him what? That I’d be devastated if he didn’t come? That’s not true. I don’t care.’

           ‘Stop lying, Tim,’ Lucinda says shortly. ‘And don’t be late in the morning. The train won’t wait.’

           It’s always refreshing going to the main train station for a trip and not because you’re going to work. Toting my suitcase along the platform, I spot Lucinda, her husband Sylvo and Kevin waiting at the stop and waving at me. As I approach, I give Lucinda a hug and her husband a handshake. Then, I look at Kevin, who appears unusually nervous as he slaps his hand into mine and murmurs, ‘Hey, bro.’

           Oh, gosh. He must feel awkward now because Lucinda told him I’d be ‘devastated’ if he didn’t join us. Why did she have to do that? Darn it, Lucinda.

           ‘That’s everybody, then,’ Lucinda says, squashing her finished cigarette against the edge of the dustbin before flicking it inside. ‘Let’s board.’

           The four of us enter the train, secure seats that face each other in pairs, and spend the entire one-hour ride laughing as Lucinda and Kevin’s humour entertains us. Kevin and I sit together, both facing the same way, which makes it easier for me as we don’t have to look at each other. Once the train makes it to the destination, we carry on towards the peaceful location at the city’s periphery, where the wellness centre resides just between the outskirts and the nearby hills. Walking up to the hotel, I can’t wait to drop my bags and find a lounger to relax on with a cocktail.

 Both hotel rooms are on the same floor, and when we split up to drop our bags, my anxiety returns. Kevin and I have to enter our room. Together. Alone. When I step inside, the first thing that catches my eye – and undoubtedly Kevin’s, too – is the bed. A single king-sized bed. Not two beds. We are to share one.

           Neither of us comments on it. We leave our luggage at the foot and put on fixed smiles as we begin talking about the lovely curtains, avoiding the elephant in the room – sharing the bed. I’m not sure if it’s as big of a deal in Kevin’s mind as it is in mine, but something about his nervous glances and the way his hands are deep in his pockets tells me it is.

After taking turns in the bathroom to change into swimsuits, we exit the room with towels over our shoulders and meet Lucinda and Sylvo by the lifts. Together, we descend into the underground landing of swimming pools and jacuzzis, dancing on the spot with excitement.

The entire day is pure bliss. We explore the saunas, swim in the pools, eat good food, and we all agree this has brought us even closer. Kevin plays pranks on me, creeping up from behind me to scare me or running off with my towel while I sit in the steam sauna. Innocent jokes, of course.

In the evening, the four of us gather for drinks at the hotel bar, and we sit there late into the evening until we all admit we’re getting cold. Deciding it’s time for bed, we go upstairs, say our goodnights and disperse down the hallway. When Kevin and I close the door, the soothing dimness of the room embraces us. Relaxed from all day of enjoyment, we smile lazily as we get ready for sleep. I wait for Kevin to brush his teeth before stepping into the bathroom myself. When I reemerge in the room, he is already sprawled on the sheets, taking up more than half of the space.

A bit of nervousness sinks back in when I carefully slide into bed beside Kevin. Both lying on our backs, we stare at the dim ceiling, the energy between us a blend of comfort and a subtle tension. At least for me.

‘I’m so glad I came,’ Kevin says, his voice a bit drowsy. ‘I needed this.’

‘Yeah, I was going to ask,’ I say. ‘How are things with your girlfriend? Was she very mad that you went?’

‘We broke up,’ Kevin says flatly.

I gasp. ‘What?’

‘It’s not just because of this,’ he says, rubbing his tired eyes. ‘It’s been brewing for months. I reached a point where I was more excited for work than spending time at home with her.’

‘Sorry to hear it,’ I say. ‘I hope it wasn’t because of me.’

Kevin’s head turns sideways to look at me, and feeling myself blush, I quickly clarify, ‘What I mean is, I hope it wasn’t because you wanted to come here to make me happy. I know Lucinda told you I’d be … devastated if you didn’t come.’

‘Is it true?’ Kevin asks simply, not turning away from me.

‘I mean …’ I stutter. ‘It would suck to be here alone, that’s for sure. And I couldn’t think of anyone else to bring. Everyone is working, they’re all busy, you know? So yeah, I’m glad you could make it.’

‘Tim,’ he says mumbly. ‘I’m not dreaming this, am I?’

I turn to look at him back. ‘No, you’re not. Why?’

‘I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but I can’t do it anymore. I’m done with girls.’

A tiny smile spreads on my lips. ‘Guys are just as bad, trust me.’

‘Yeah?’ he asks, and a hint of playfulness enters his sleepy voice. ‘How do you know?’

‘I think you have an idea,’ I say.

‘No, I don’t,’ Kevin counters. ‘You never tell me anything about you. You’re always just nice. Too nice. Sometimes, I get this urge to— never mind.’

‘To what?’ I ask.

           ‘To grab you and shake you,’ Kevin says with a faint snarl in jest. ‘To shake the niceness out of you and see the real person come out. But not to hurt you. Just enough force in my grip.’

           ‘I know you’d never hurt me,’ I say.

           With a sudden growl, Kevin lunges at me, climbs on top of me and begins shaking me by the shoulders as I laugh hysterically. I grab his forearms to push them away, though my attempt is half-hearted as I don’t really want his hands off me.

           ‘Nah-ah,’ Kevin says with a mischievous grin. ‘You’re mine now.’

           He stops moving, straightens up and looks down at me. For some reason, he’s in no hurry to climb off me and lie back down on his side of the bed. It takes me too long to realise that my hands are resting on his thighs, and I could move them, but I don’t. Kevin doesn’t seem to mind, and he touches my shoulders again, more gently this time.

           I don’t know when we started kissing. The timing, the energy, the ambience – they all align perfectly for this moment between us. Perhaps even the stars are perfectly aligned, and I never want this moment to end.

The best part is that it isn’t a dream this time. It’s real.