Jetty

I remembered that time we watched the sun rise over the water. We were sitting on that jetty, a blanket around our shoulders watching the light spread out until it filled the lake. I went back there recently. I stood on the spot where we sat, the exact plank I think, and I looked out over the water. The sun had already risen, it took me a while to get out of bed, but the feeling was still there. There was a heron stood out in the water, balanced precariously on one leg. It was watching the water, looking for food I presume, and I wished I had the camera. I thought about how you would have gone silent and got down on one knee and snapped it. I wished I hadn’t left your camera at home. Truth be told though, I haven’t had the heart to get it out in a long time, let alone take any photographs. So I just watched the bird standing there until it seemed to notice me and it took off with slow beating wings. It soared over the treetops and was gone.

Sarah came round today, she bought a lasagne and a bottle of wine. She said she was worried about me, that I hadn’t shown any signs of life in some time. Then she scolded herself for her poor choice of words and I invited her in. She took the foil off of the dish and served out two portions of lasagne and two glasses of wine. She barely looked at her food and I suspect she only served herself so I would eat. She watched me as I wolfed down the lukewarm meal but I didn’t mind. I hadn’t actually eaten anything that day so I was secretly grateful. Once she had seen me finish she seemed more at ease and we talked. Well she talked more to be honest, you know how it is when Sarah gets started. I just listened mostly, she was something like a white noise machine. I’m just glad she filled in the silences and wasn’t so desperately earnest. The other day when I went shopping I bumped into Aidan. He kept asking how I was and how I was holding up. I hated him so desperately in the moment I just had to get away or I was going to cry. I don’t know what it was and I felt so embarrassed afterwards but I just couldn’t talk to him about it. But Sarah seemed to understand at least in some way because she just let me be. It reached about 8 o’clock and she made her excuses and left, feeling slightly better at having done her civic duty. I told her to leave the plates where they were as it gave me something to do. I washed them up and stared out of the window. That streetlight was broken again, the one you kept writing to the council about. They came and fixed it about four weeks ago, but it broke almost straight away. I don’t have the heart to try to get them to come out again.

I knew I should never have let you take over the paperwork. You were just so organisationally minded and you know I never have been. But deciphering your handiwork has taken so long and it’s amazing how much paperwork there is in this situation. I couldn’t find anything until I stopped myself and thought about how you would have organised it. I knew there had to be some kind of system, no matter how hairbrained it was. Once I had it working in my favour, I loved the system. It has your fingerprints all over it. I’ve been phoning all kinds of people over the last week. I hate phone calls so much but I’ve got to do it this time. There are two types of people, it seems, when I make these calls. They are either matter-of-fact or horribly saccharine. I much prefer the former, they just get the thing done and we can both move on with our life. I’m not saying that they are unsympathetic but they just have a job to do and get it done, I respect that.

It’s hard to believe that three weeks have gone by already. I’m getting used to being tired a lot and not sleeping well but that’s about all I’m used to now. I’ve had to start taking afternoon naps and you could guess how much I hate that. I feel old all of a sudden, I never felt old with you, but it can’t be helped. It’s easier when the kids come around, which they’ve been doing quite a lot. Some days I like the silence of an empty house though and I can just listen to the creaks of the beams and the windows settling. Other times I have every radio on in the house just so there is some noise. It’s hard to get them all to line up though so usually its just a din but on those days that is all I need. I used to hate that advice that you just need to take life one day at a time but that’s what I’m doing now. I’m not thinking about the future just how I’m going to make it through each hour.

I rolled myself out of bed this morning, even less inclined to wake up than usual. The weather looked like it was going to be perfect for you, sunny but with a cold breeze. That made me smile a bit, you would have looked out of the window and proclaimed it an ‘exquisite day’. I’d hung the black dress up the night before on the back of my wardrobe door. I’d lain up a lot of the night staring at it, hating it with all my heart. I had wanted desperately to not put it on but those feelings had mellowed by the morning. I pulled it on over my head and slipped my feet into the shoes. It was a simple outfit, I think you would have liked it. I looked at myself briefly in the mirror and thought about how incomplete I looked. It was still dark outside but there was a full moon so I could see my way. I stepped out of the back door and shivered briefly in the cold. Walking across the grass, the toes of my shoes grew damp with dew. The lake was motionless and perfectly reflected everything. The moon hung in the sky and seemed to fill the horizon. I studied each crater on the surface as the boards of the jetty creaked under foot. The sound of water hitting the supports was soothing and was the only sound apart from the far-off hooting of an owl. My feet took me thoughtlessly to the same spot, the one I always seemed to go back to. The moon filled the lake with white light and the night was bright. I didn’t want to take a photograph this time, I just wanted to remember this. The day was going to be hard and I was scared but I knew that you loved me dearly.