Breaking the cycle

Jamie looked over his shoulder and noticed a beautiful girl. Hazel skin with a thick curly head of hair, eyes of a deep earthy brown. His eyes fluttered with images of her as his fiancé and the mother of his children. Him coming home from a long days’ work and seeing her, right there on the porch of their brick house, waiting for him with a smile on her face and a kiss to give away.

What he did not see was the same girl, now looking at him with her big eyes, confused because she hadn’t seen him before. She smiled at him, thinking he would notice her. Instead, he didn’t react. It was like he looked right through her. She quickly lost her smile and walked away ashamed to even think she could have a chance with a cute guy.

With her departure, Jamie woke up. Seeing her leave made him realize something: he was so obsessed with the realm of imagination that he missed the opportunity to create a part of his actual future.

The mere thought of him losing sight of reality shocked him because he prized himself with being a “carpe diem” kind of guy and the only thing he truly was is a fraud.

That night he could not sleep. Tossing and turning in his bed he decided that to be more aware of this habit of his he should make a list. He was not completely sure of what to write but he knew he needed to set his priorities. If he was so unaware of this tendency, what more could he not be seeing?

Despite his efforts, Jamie ended up falling asleep before finishing his list, having only written at the top “be more aware of real life”.

Waking up, at his desk, with horrible back pain from the unfortunate sleeping position, was not the best, to say the least.

 “What the heck was I thinking? How deluded am I to think that this generic mantra was good advice?!”- said Jamie as he cracked his back and stretched his arms out as far as possible.

He didn’t see her, but his mom, Esme, was at the door, quietly observing the scene. And with her usual sarcastic humour, she said:

-         “Good morning honey! You seem to be a bit frustrated… do you want to talk or is this some twenty first century teen boy drama that big old mom can’t understand?”

-         “Mom do you think I live in the moment?”

-         “I’m sorry but you’re going to have to give me context for me to answer that… “- and switching to serious tone, she could see her son was being vulnerable with her and didn’t want to ruin it- “I think you do in some cases, but you were always a bit of a dreamer.”

-         “What do you mean? I know I have a strong imagination, but I have solid ruts with reality…”- Jamie couldn’t say those word with confidence but he persisted- “Don’t you think so?”

-         “Jamie, I love you with all my heart, but you are always in your own mind looking toward the future, planning this amazing life, not enjoying the present. And the truth is you don’t do the work.”

And cutting her off:

-         “Not this again mom. I study and I get good grades, so what if it’s always at the last minute…”

And Esme, not liking his tone and sensing her words touched a nerve, said:

-         You didn’t let me finish. I said you don’t do the work in creating the amazing future you want. Regarding your schoolwork that’s a whole separate problem for another time. You are seventeen years old and a beautiful young man, and I’m not just saying this because I’m your mother, but because it is the truth. Don’t I always say the truth?”- Jamie nodded in agreement, and Esme continued- “Look kiddo, you can have the life you imagine but it doesn’t just fall on your lap. You need to get yourself out there and meet some new people. Get a job or an internship during the summer. Anything besides the usual going to Emilie’s house and watching movies.”

Looking at the clock she told him to get dressed and go to school. She kissed him and said: - “You are an interesting human Jamie, don’t let society ruin you.”

Jamie though it was way too early for philosophical pep talks but it way exactly what he needed.

He was now so motivated that he went to his phone, turned the speaker on, and started playing his “badass” playlist. And to the sound of a nostalgic song, he cleaned his room, got dressed and went to school.

The first thing he did was try and find the girl that inspired all this introspective change. He didn’t find her before class, so he thought that the yearbook was his best shot. He had a copy of it at home, but he didn’t want to wait that long. With that, he went to the library during lunch break and didn’t find a single yearbook in sight. He sat down on the floor and was upset that his plans were disrupted but then he looked out the window and saw that it was a beautiful spring day. The flowers were in full bloom and the sun was shining. His classmates were all on the grass, talking, laughing and having fun.

Seeing this made him realise, once again, something: He was so obsessed with this girl and the possibility of a relationship that he was stuck in a stuffy library on a beautiful spring afternoon.

Jamie felt so stupid to fall back in the hole of imagination that he stood up and went outside. He took a deep breath and just laid down on the grass. Looking up at the sky he decided to start drawing the images he could make up out of the clouds. Jamie wasn’t an artist, but he liked to be creative with whatever he did, so he enjoyed himself.

Half an hour passed, and the bell rang. As he was getting up, he saw the same hazel skinned girl, dark earthy eyes, curls for hours. He was ecstatic to see her and the chance to talk to her. However, he was nervous.

-         “What if she laughs at me? What if she ignores me?”- he thought.

But just as the idea appeared in his mind, he remembered his earlier pep talk. With that, he went up to her, introduced himself and asked if she wanted to go on a date with him.

She was a little confused and surprized, but with an innocent look she introduced herself, Pearl was her name, and said that a date sounded great!

They exchanged numbers and went to class. Trying to stay focused was a challenge. All his mind could think of was the date and what could come out of it. However, despite the excitement, he wanted to be present, so he made the effort and participated in the discussion that was happening.

Classes ended and Jamie went home.

When he got there, the aromas made him nostalgic, like he was seven years old coming back home from summer camp. His dad was in the kitchen making his famous lasagne: meat, sausage, a lot of cheese and tomato sauce.

Instead of shutting himself in his room doing homework, like he always did, Jamie decided to see if his dad needed help with anything. He didn’t, but Jamie stayed and talked to him. They used to talk when he was younger but nowadays it was rare, they were always busy with school, finals coming up and his dad working hard to give him and his brother everything they could ever need.

As they were talking, his dad was explaining the process to make the lasagne and all Jamie could think of was the fact that his dad was a simple guy: he got married at twenty-five, had two kids and works hard every day. However he is no ordinary Chad, he’s a historical carpenter, he works at a museum restoring wooden furniture and trinkets.

Jamie loved to see his dad talking about things he cared about. He looked almost childlike with his enthusiasm, whether over the details of a sixteenth century wardrobe or the secret ingredient of his lasagne tomato sauce. This was the man Jamie wanted to be. A man content with what he has and eager to work on the present.

And suddenly, without realizing he was interrupting his dad, Jamie said:

-         “Dad… oh I’m sorry I didn’t mean to interrupt, but can I ask you a question?”

-         “Yeah of course! Ask away!”

-         “How are you so present? I realized that I don’t really enjoy my life. I cruise by imagining a different one. I’m trying to break this cycle, of thinking but it’s hard. I keep getting myself in situations that perpetuate this habit. Like today I was sitting in a library during lunch break, not actually doing anything, whilst the sun was shining outside, and the weather was nice and toasty. My mind just keeps focusing on the future and missing the experiences of «the best years of my life».”

His dad was smiling and looking at him with a guilty face.

-         “Well, son, I can’t really give you a lot of advice because I do the same thing. Everybody does. It’s a part of your humanity to prepare for the future, to be ready for every possible scenario. But if you are relying on your imagination to create a future, then you should try to figure out why you are doing it. I think that’s the only thing that will help you break the cycle.”

Jamie liked that idea but felt like a big kid for not having thought of it before. It was strange to think that he was just a kid. Seventeen years old is nothing compared with the rest of his life. He began to let the monstrosity of time sink in and was terrified for a split second. Suddenly, he got up and went to his room.  

Taking a piece of paper and a pencil, Jamie began to write. Anything that came to him, every idea or image, he jotted onto that little white paper.

When his dad called for dinner, the paper was completely full of little doodles and phrases. And although he wasn’t quite sure what was keeping him from reality, Jamie knew that he was one step closer to figuring it out.

Pleased with himself, Jamie got up from his desk but something seamed wrong. He could pinpoint it, but something was wrong. He got up and started to feel like he was about to collapse. His dad was calling him, but his voice began to distort, it sounded far or like somebody was covering his ears. Jamie fell on the floor. His parents heard the loud noise and ran to the room. Seeing their son on the floor was a shock. They quickly tried to wake him up and opened the window.

The fresh air and his mother’s voice woke Jamie up. Dad gave him a cup of sugary water and he gulped it down, getting some on the floor. He regained his senses and was really confused.

-         “What happened?”

-         “You fainted, Jamie…”- Esme said with a worried voice- “When was the last time you ate honey?”

-         “I don’t remember mom… Now that you mention it, I didn’t eat anything today…”

-         “Are you crazy? Did you drink water at least?”

-         “No…”

Esme was getting angry at Jamie, but she managed to keep it down.

-         “Come, let’s eat then.”

And as Jamie walked to the dinning room, Esme turns towards her husband and says:

-         “This kid is going to be the death of me. He gets into these intense phases and forgets everything else. I don’t know what to do.”

-         “Look Esme, Jamie is trying. So what he was super focused and forgot to eat? I was the same way. He’ll find his way.”

Dad kissed her and despite still being worried, Esme was reassured and more confident.

That same night, as he was getting ready to go to bed, Jamie got a notification. It was the girl, Pearl!

He got super excited and replied right away, even though it’s considered “desperate” or “uncool”. She loved that and wanted to know more details about the date. They started talking and got along quite well. A couple hours later, they thought it was best to go to bed and continue in the morning.

They talked all week, texting and in between classes. Pearl was a sweet, intelligent and independent girl. Every boys dream, really.

Their date was on a nearby park, and it went well. But despite the obvious connection, both teens quickly realized that they were never going to be anything more than good friends.

As it turns out, Pearl is also a “in my own world” type of girl and they had a lot in common. Maybe too much? They were the boy/girl version of each other and that is not what they needed at that moment.

Pearl instantly became the newest member of the click and one of Jamie’s best of friends.

Jamie, on the other hand, didn’t become a new person after that week. He went back to his imagination because despite liking living in the moment, “his world” was just more appealing. He did join an art club though. It helped him reflect on what was happening around him, to have a solid understanding of his reality, it kept him grounded in a way.