Curmudgeon

“…right then, let’s get this show on the road. Happy Valentine’s Day to all you lovers and groovers out there.  We have a brilliant line-up of love songs to get you in the mood for luuuuv this beautiful Wednesday morning. Let’s kick off with this absolute classic, from the brilliant Percy Sledge…”

“Shit!” groaned Minnie, hands covered in squished avocado. Could she wash the mush off in time to turn the radio off before the blasted soppy lyrics started. The tension and butterflies (not in a good way) rose in her stomach. “Quick!” squeeked Minnie to herself as she dashed for the tap. Panic and a tiny surge of anger rose in the pit of her stomach as she rinsed away what she could of the stickiness.

Too late. From Minnie’s radio thronged the keening, forlorn, sexy voice of Percy Sledge “When I man loves a woman, can’t keep his mind on nothin’ else...”

Minnie quickly swoop-wiped her hands on her jeans to soak up some water and bam, turned the radio off at the wall. The plug was closer.

Minnie was instantly calmed by the silence. Her thighs felt wet, she looked down and saw avocado green on her jeans. “Oh God, get a grip girl.” she groaned.

Three minutes later Minnie sat down in blissful silence, munching on her avocado on toast and feeling calm-ish and slightly embarrassed by her panicky outburst.

Minnie had a busy day planned. She always did this on V-day; kept busy with non-V-Day activities. It was either that or go to bed with the curtains drawn and a good book for company. This year she chose ‘busy’. Next up, lunch with Jo and Jo’s mum, Jean.

***

“Hi Minnie, come on in, mum’s here.” Jo was pleased to see her friend.

The pair walked into Jo’s cosy kitchen. “Hello Mrs Morton,” said Minnie “it’s lovely to see you, are you well?” Stupid question, of course she was not well, she’s extremely unwell, with Hodgkins Lymphoma - and her husband of forty-nine years died just before Christmas.

“Sorry Mrs Morton, I mean… it’s lovely to see you.”                                                                                                                 

“That’s ok dear, I’m in good spirits actually, so feeling well in that way.” she tittered.

Rather disconcertingly, the radio was on during lunch. Minnie found it hard to ignore it whilst the three chatted. That familiar feeling of panic and vague anger simmered in her tummy. She felt annoyed with Jo and Mrs Morton for having the damn thing on during lunch.

Minnie wondered if it was too impolite to ask to turn it off - but maybe Mrs Morton liked listening to the radio during lunch. The lunch was for Mrs Morton after all. Minnie decided to stay quiet and suffer in silence.

“What a brilliant day listeners! If you’ve just tuned in, welcome to the station that shouts out to your relation and cheers up the nation.” chirped the DJ. “Of course, it doesn’t have to be a relation… a girlfriend, boyfriend or simply… a friend. Brilliant”

“Ooh, I think this is it mum.” Jo announced as she looked over at the radio.

OK, so there’s a reason the radio’s on, thought Minnie. Mrs Morton looked towards the radio and smiled, then she and Jo glanced at Minnie. 

A strong, kind voice was first, “This is a message for my dear wife of twelve years. Dawn, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m so happy you’re my wife.  Love you lots Dawn.  Happy Valentine’s.” 

The three munched in silence as a stream of recorded dedications played on the radio, interluded by love songs and the chirpy DJ’s chatter.

Minnie drew blood. She had been chewing the inside of her cheek, trying to control her growing irritation and angry butterflies. This was the opposite of avoiding V-Day! Who are these people on the radio anyway. Minnie had never met people like them in her life, seriously, are they for real. Most couples Minnie knew were either stuck in a loveless marriage unable to leave because of problems with fear, money or children (usually all three); or they’d decided to just settle for less.

“Our last dedication comes from Joan Morton in Clapham.”

The three laid down their knives and forks gently and stared ahead at nothing, listening intently.

Mrs Morton’s frail voice came on the radio. “John. My darling John. Happy Valentine’s my darling. You are the light of my life. I miss you so much. Don’t worry my darling, I’ll be joining you soon. The thought of seeing you again is making all of this so much easier. I loved you…I love you. Happy Valentine’s. Toodle pip for now sweetheart.”

There was a moment of airwave silence. 

“Eyup, that’s made me well up that has.” boomed the DJ in a mock Yorkshire accent, jolting everyone back to their communal reality.

Jo’s eyes were glistening and Mrs Morton looked chuffed with herself. Minnie cleared her throat, “That was lovely Mrs Morton.” 

“Thank you, Minnie, it’s not the kind of thing I usually do.” she laughed lightly. “It’s just I wondered if the electromagnetic radiation waves of the radio might reach the spirit world more effectively than if I just spoke it all out loud.”

“Good thinking Mrs Morton.” said Minnie.

***

Next up that evening: dinner at Amanda’s flat. Minnie’s best friend Amanda offered to host tonight’s dinner as she knew how excruciating Minnie found ‘V-Day’. Avoiding cooing couples in restaurants at all costs; the plan was dinner at Amanda’s flat followed by Oppenheimer on Netflix with a bowl of microwave popcorn. Or so Minnie thought.

“Hi Minnie.” smiled Amanda as she opened the door to greet her friend.  Amanda was wearing her fluffy going-out coat.

“Er.” said Minnie, confused.

Amanda swiftly stepped out of her flat and locked her door, keys jangling. “So… there’s a change of plan. Don’t panic. It’ll be fun.”

Panic was exactly what was rising and mingling with Minnie’s tummy butterflies. “What… where… what?”

***

Forty minutes later Minnie was sitting opposite a stranger in a dimly lit restaurant crammed with tables for two - on a speed date. 

The man’s mouth was moving, but Minnie was not listening. She spied Amanda at a snug corner table happily chatting to a tall blonde man whilst sipping white wine. Minnie angrily brooded about Amanda’s ‘cunning plan’.  Amanda had taken a risk with this little secret. As far as Minnie was concerned, the risk was not going to pay off!

Minnie was deep in thought, plotting a suitable retribution on Amanda when a frenetic blurry hand waved across her face. “Hello, anyone there?”

Minnie slowly came back to the room; her eyes began to focus on the man in front of her. 

“Anyone home?” the man repeated with an amused smile.

“Ugh, yes sorry… what were you saying?” said Minnie.

“Nothing, just that I’m your date Number 3.” said the man.

Minnie found herself appreciating his quite good-looking face - and he seemed normal enough.

“So, what do you do?” asked the man.

“Er, em, I’m an assistant archivist at The Museum of Comedy.” said Minnie.

The silence that followed started to feel a little awkward. 

“Oh, are you into comedy then?” said the man suppressing a smile. 

Minnie was irritated. Did this man think she was the antithesis of comedy; the exact opposite of fun! She started brooding and plotting against her new adversary.  The revenge was simple, she would make a point of not asking him ‘what he did’ (people loved to talk about themselves) – and she would bore the pants off him to make him go away. That would teach him. 

“Nice weather we’re having.” said Minnie. 

“Yes, I suppose so.”

“To think I nearly brought a brolly with me!”

The man suppressed a yawn. Aha, it’s working already, thought Minnie. She felt mightily pleased with herself.

“I actually started a new job this week.” he said.

“Oh really, that’s interesting.” Minnie slurped her drink loudly through her straw.

“Yes, it was great though, I really enjoyed it.” he said.

“Great, that’s nice.” smiled Minnie.

“The bosses seemed pleased with me, which was a massive relief of course.”

OK, Minnie was starting to feel a bit curious about ‘what he did’, but she was resolute.

“How much time is on the clock?” asked Minnie.

“Oh, em, I think we have about ten more minutes.”  The man started to look a little crest fallen. Minnie started to feel a little guilty.

“OK, OK, what do you do?” blurted out Minnie.

It had an instant effect. He smiled broadly. “I’ve just worked my first week ever as a DJ - and on Valentine’s week too! It was brilliant!”

OK, I give in, thought Minnie as she glanced heavenwards.  She smiled. “Brilliant!”