The Midnight Ramble

I am dying. A phornix has invaded my gut and is eating me from the inside.  I heard they go away on their own after a week, but two weeks have passed, and I can still feel sharp teeth munching on my intestines. I open my internet browser and look up how to kill a phornix that’s still inside you. The first result to pop up is an article from TheMidnightRambler.com titled “One Mother’s Surprising Phornix Remedy,” written by Jeremy Jenkins. I start to read:

Maggie Thatcher, a single mom from Massachusetts, feared the worst when she learned that her 13 year-old daughter, Aubrey, was infected with a phornix in her brain that wasn’t going away. After all, if it’s not gone within the first week days of it entering your body (whether on its own or through overpriced surgery), you’re better off planning your funeral. But just like the hundreds of thousands of people who already died from the infamous infection, Maggie doesn’t have the insane amount of money needed for phornix removal in her savings.

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But Maggie couldn’t accept the idea of losing the only person in the world she cared about. “I was watching Aubrey stuck in bed from the pain she was in, and for some reason I started thinking about a story my dad told me a long time ago that got me through some tough times. To give you some context, when I was little, my mom left us because she was running from the law. I was devastated, of course, but that’s when my dad told me this: ‘Mag, listen up. I know your 

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momma’s left us high and dry, but moms been doing that since 2025. Hell, your grandma did it to me way back when, and the only one crying more than me was your Pop-Pop, but you know Pop-Pop’s a big softy. But one summer at the supermarket, Pop-Pop and I ran into my hero and one of the greatest sons-of-bitches to ever walk this heat-death orb: former UMass head coach Don Brown!’ Granted, this was after Don Brown got accused of touching RJ. But Dad always 

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thought Don was innocent.”

Don Brown, for those of you who are unaware, stood trial in 2031 for sexually assaulting one of his players, RJ Brandon, who was a college senior at the time. His reputation never recovered from the trial, despite his eventual acquittal. 

“Anyways, ‘that man, God bless ‘em, rubs my shoulders, looks deep into my eyes, and tell me: son, you can overcome anything you put your mind to.

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So don’t you go on crying about your momma, ya hear? Cuz I ain’t, and I loved her more than you did.’ And from that day on I told Aubrey and I told myself that she wasn’t going anywhere. Not on my watch.”

It was at this point when Maggie started working on what many have trumpeted as a the phornix cure.

The sleepless nights soon followed for Maggie, half of which was spent mulling 

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I click on the ad. Growing up, I had a huge crush on Jade Gilmore, Deidra’s character in the “Living Gilmore” television series, which turned out to be a spinoff of a show decades before I was born. Deidra was only thirteen when she played that role, but my child self thought she was the prettiest girl in the world. Clicking the ad sends me to a site I didn’t recognize. I read through it:

Some child actors stay in Hollywood but can only land roles in movies no one’s heard of. Other child stars leave Hollywood altogether to live mediocre lives, but paparazzi stalks them anyway.

Here’s what 20 child stars look like today.

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Dylan Van Clark played the adorable yet devious Grayson Walker in the hit show “Zombie Clerical” from 2028 to 2034. These days he’s stepped away from the little screen and is strutting down the runway as one of the premiere models for Slob-Knob’s Backseat Collection.

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Remember Birdy Danielson? She played the spunky Thrud in the 2033 film “Asgard.” Since then she has left her acting dreams behind her to earn her graduate degree in business analytics from Seattle University. Currently she looks more like Thor than Thrud, but at least her husband doesn’t mind.

I can taste the blood pouring from my nose. I remember that I’m dying and click back to the Midnight Rambler article. I scan until I find where I left off.

over scientific articles about phornix. The other half of her sleepless nights were spent panicking over how little she understood what she was reading. As she watched Aubrey’s headaches increase in frequency, it seemed like all the hope Maggie once had was slipping from her fingers. She thought about giving up multiple times, until she remembered her dad’s story, and the promise she made to herself and her daughter.

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I feel woozy.

Never in her wildest dreams did Maggie think the answer she desperately searched for was spiritual in nature.

“I never believed in God or Allah or any higher power, really. Well, it’s not that I identified as an atheist, but I just never thought about that stuff. But something spoke to me one day. It told me how I can save Aubrey. I had no choice. I had to listen. And I’m glad that