Silent words , Loud thoughts.

Why does this always happen to me ? Why can't I just be normal like everyone else? Janice must think that I'm really bovine when I was kneeling down beside her patting her shoulder , and staring at her with my mouth opening and closing like a fish deprived of water. That was my chance to help lead Janice to Jesus. God gave me an opportunity to talk to one of the most popular girls in school and I blew it. I sat their next to her petting her shoulder like a lap dog struggling to find the words to speak while she stared at me with a bewildered tear stained face. She probably told half the school by now, that some weird girl who is aphasic came and sat down next to her and petted her. On contrast I'm not bovine I'm just really shy around people I don't know. I'm actually very intelligent I have the highest test scores in school. But when it comes up to oral reports, presentations, or speaking to someone other than my family I'm wordless. It's not that I don't know what to say, it's the matter of saying it that leaves me gasping the air for words trying to conjure up my voice , which leaves me in the presence of unfamiliar faces. As I entered my kitchen in search for something light to snack on I found my Mother making a fruit salad. " How was school honey ?" " Were you successful in delivering God's message to one of his children he has assigned to you ?" I shook my head sadly. Once again not able to speak. Only this time it wasn't because of shyness but it was because I was ashamed that I was incompetent in a area in life where others were not. My Mother came around the island and put her arm around me and said " aww honey don't be sad it's okay , all you have to do is ask God for the words and ability to speak them, and I promise that you'll be able to speak to that girl just like how you speak to us." I smiled and said " Okay, but do you think that you could pray for me ?" My Mother smiled and said " Of course honey , but remember you have to tell God what's on your heart too." I nodded and headed upstairs ,my snack long forgotten.

" That's that weird girl that came up to me in the bathroom and started to pet me, I think she's slow or something ." I heard Janice whisper in a breathy voice to her friends at the lunch table next to me. " Well she must have something wrong with her because she has no friends , look at her sitting by herself ." Said a small brown haired girl named Lorry. I could feel rising anger burning inside of me. I'm not slow ,and there is nothing wrong with me. All I'm trying to do is help lead Janice to Jesus like he asked me to. " Please Jesus give me peace and patience and the ability to speak." I prayed silently.

On my way to my next class I decided to stop in the bathroom to wash the remnants of clay from under my finger nails. Knowing I only had three minutes I quickly rushed inside the girls bathroom. To my surprise it was empty. All the stalls were unoccupied except one. I bent down a little and saw Janice shoes. Unsure if this was another opportunity or just a coincidence I walked over to the sink. I heard low sniffles. Janice was crying. This wasn't the first time I've heard or seen Janice crying . I once heard her talking her mom on the phone asking her to pick her up from school because she forgot her Anti - depressants. " Go , to her my child , I will give you the strength to talk , for I am always with you." I heard a small voice inside of my head say.

I walked over to Janice stall and knocked softly. " Someone is in here ! " I knocked again. The door to the stall banged open frightening me and making me take a step back. " Didn't I say some one wa - ," Janice stopped red faced in mid sentence. We stood there for a minute staring at each other. " What do you want ?" Janice asked standing up to her full length head raised high a looking at me down her nose. " I .. I just wanted to talk to you." I stammered. Janice arched her eyebrow " Okay , what about ?" she asked finally. I opened my mouth to answer but it was like all air had been taken away. I could feel my cheeks turning red in embarrassment. I tried again . " About God, about Jesus and .. and .. an - . " " And what ? " Janice said. He's real and he wants you to accept him as Lord and Savior , you can find peace and happiness through him. You won't need Anti- depressants if you accepted Jesus into your life , he will be your Anti - depressant. I thought . But instead I blurted out rather loudly. " He's real !" Janice blinked her eyes in surprise and then snorted . " Yeah right , What are you one of those crazy Christians , with a mental disorder ? " I opened my mouth to finish what I was trying to say but to my dismay my voice failed to become audible. Not knowing what to do or say I looked down at my shoes with tears brimming my eyes. I felt Janice push past me and heard her footsteps echo out of the bathroom. Not only did I just make myself look like even more of a weirdo , I failed God once again. I sunk to the floor and began to cry. Alone in the girls bathroom I began to wonder why am I tortured by the inability to express my thoughts and feelings to others. Something that comes so easily to others but fall so hard on me. Why would God want someone who can barely answer a question in front of thirty class peers, to spread such an important message? As I sat silently and alone, with my own teared stained faced in resignation I listened to the faint echo of the tardy bell.