The Cynic's Guide to Gratitude

-Please note this story covers topics of death and hospitalization-

01/01/24

I’m thankful to the guy in the math textbooks who buys 37 watermelons, 80 chimneys, and 15 multicolored clown-vomit rubber band balls. He keeps the world’s economy going. God bless that guy. 

I know what stocks I’m investing in this year. 

01/02/24

I’m thankful to the guy who hangs out in front of the local Walmart and sells pocket watches and expired candy bars from the fanciful world of his inconspicuous trench coat. Sometimes, he gives me one of those Velveeta cheese packets as a bonus for listening to his sales pitch. 

01/03/24

I’m thankful the cheese packet didn’t give me food poisoning.

01/04/24

I’m thankful that the bench I sit on while waiting for my bus is perpetually moist. 

01/05/24

I’m thankful the office chair I sit on in my cubicle smells like sadness.

01/06/24

I thank my therapist for suggesting I keep a daily gratitude journal. I am the champion of daily gratitude. 

01/07/24 

I’m thankful Dave took my cheese strings from my break room lunchbox again, carefully labeled ‘DO NOT TAKE, DAVE.’ 

01/08/24

I’m thankful for being so thankful.

01/09/24

The bench is still moist. You may not have guessed it, but I am thankful. 

01/10/24

A guy in a Santa suit is driving with the drunken enthusiasm only a madman in a discount eBay Santa suit could possess. Thankful for this Merry January. 

01/11/24

I was given an extra soy sauce packet. Thankful!

01/12/24

Someone erased the comma from my lunchbox note. Dave was huffy that I’d tried to interfere with his romantic prospects. I was thankful to have that conversation during my lunch break and to realize HE HAS BEEN READING THE NOTE THAT BASTARD.

01/13/24

Am I supposed to find an answer from this? 

01/14/24

As I approached the Target parking lot, I saw a child throw up and then start running in excited circles. 

I’m thankful the kid is happy, at least. 

01/15/24

A man in a ‘BIG MEN HAVE BIG FUN’ tank top is feasting on a mighty cheeseburger. His Ford truck wields a proud American Flag. A bald eagle is circling him. 

I’m thankful to experience the scenery of classic Americana. 

01/16/24

There’s a man who sits on the bench now. He is pungent, like well-loved socks bathed in cheap hair gel. 

If you are curious, the bench is damp, and I am thankful. 

01/17/24

On my way home, a suited gentleman growled at me on the bus and ran off into the night. 

It is a full moon out. I am thankful to know werewolves exist. 

01/18/24

I’m always thankful for Thursdays because Dave does his interpretive dance practices during lunch break. He called today’s performance ‘Floating Swan Self-Immolates in Front of Corporate Businessman While on Vacation in Fresno (Ohio) Not the Other Fresno.’ 

Yes, he said the parentheses out loud.

01/19/24

The man was on the bench again today. The bench is hydrated, and I’m thankful the man keeps his hair exquisitely hydrated with Dr. Pepper-scented mousse. 

01/20/24

Went to the Pine Barrens, saw the Jersey Devil.

On the one hand, I’m thankful because that’s pretty cool; on the other hand, I’m not thankful because that’s kind of scary.

01/21/24 

The lady who runs the nearest bakery sticks her fingers into the pies and then yells belligerently at any poor fool who enters her pastry dungeon. The bread here hasn’t been fresh since the 1970s. Neither have the kitchen tiles.

I am thankful that this woman could fight off the Jersey Devil if he ever came to this area. 

1/22/24

I held my wife’s hand during today’s visit.

1/25/24

Another Thursday to be thankful for: Dave’s newest pièce de résistance, ‘The Droning Ant Befriends the Bourgeoise and Layers the Cake of Fundamentalism,’ is showcased to the office. 

1/26/24

A dog passed me by on the streets. As I patted his head, I noticed his body was like a wad of dough, both in color and shape. While making prolonged eye contact, I could tell this was a wise dog, and we mutually understood the world. 

With a nod, he carried on. I’m thankful to have made a new friend. 

1/27/24

Today, I went camping. While fishing, a child threw rocks into the lake and called herself a rock god. The fish were nonexistent, and the rocks called for penance. 

I’m thankful to witness the youthful hubris I now lack. 

1/28/24

I woke at 6 AM to the carnal moans of what I believed was a banshee. Leaving my tent, I saw a group of bearded men in a circle, cupping their hands to their faces and baying like hounds. 

I asked them if this was some kind of occult ritual, and they told me it was their weekly Bigfoot Club event. 

I am thankful to have seen hairy forest men and also Bigfoot. 

1/29/24

The man is still there on the wet bench. 

1/30/24

Dave did a special Tuesday edition dance, ‘Long Beaver Fights Crane Under Moonlight While Consumerist Masses Tap Dance into Oblivion.’ He hushes anyone who asks what these titles mean. 

I was thankful to see the new hire’s face during their first Dave dance. 

1/31/24

I held her hand in the hospital today while she died. Her smile hurts, and it won’t leave my mind.

How could I ever be thankful? 

1/01/25

Hey, Journal.

I’m going back to the therapist this year. New Year’s resolutions, right? 

I saw the man on the bench again. I gave him half of my sandwich, and we just sat in silence, looking at the sky as the sun rose. It wasn’t unpleasant. To breathe and see the color come back. 

I think he needed the company. I think he knew I needed the same. 

He still has terrible taste in hair products, but don’t we all have our vices? 

It’s funny because we never talked once. Yet, at least for today, I felt less alone. 

I’m thankful to say I think he did, too. 

The bench was still moist, though.