Indefinable by Ons Ben Makhlouf

“I love you. You know I do and I’m pretty sure you’re feeling the same.” He says, making the situation a lot harder than it already is. I can’t deny the fact that I’m in love with my best friend’s boyfriend but at the same time I can’t let my feelings have control over me. What a bad person I am. Falling for someone I shouldn’t fall for. What am I going to tell Tina? That I had a crush on her boyfriend the first time she introduced me to him? Who the hell does that to her best friend? I’m a terrible person and I shouldn’t even exist.

“Tyler, please don’t say that ever again. I don’t lo_.” I find it difficult to say the words I’m most afraid of. He still stares at me with his beautiful intense green eyes, waiting for a comforting answer that I seem unable to give. He approaches me and with every step he does toward me, my whole body ignites. I wish I was able to kiss him, to find reassurance in his fluffy lips. I wish I could tell him how much I love him and how much hours I spend thinking about him. I wish all this could be different. I didn’t realize he closed the gap that was five seconds ago between us and now that it seems to vanish, our chests are almost touching, our hands are two inches away from each other, our breaths are soon to be collided. What am I supposed to do right now? follow my heart or my mind? Every time I look deeply into his eyes, I see Tina standing behind, firing a sharp look through me. Even through his eyes, I can see her crying. I can hear her tears falling down her cheeks like a waterfall.

“Lily, I know what we’re doing is completely wrong. I thought I could love her more than I love you. I thought that being with her would make me forget you but I couldn’t. You’re not her and she’s never like you. You are everything I think about, Lily, in my awake and in my sleep. I tried too many distractions but I couldn’t not be distracted by you. It seems like you are a drug to me, maybe my heroine or something. I can’t not be addicted to you.” His words sink to my ears, making a beautiful love song, one that I would definitely play whenever I feel sad or depressed because his words seem to be like a cure, a strong efficient cure.

“I can’t betray my best friend, Tyler. We’ve been together since we were kids. We grew up in the same house. Our mothers are best friends even our sisters are. I can’t let her shatter. I can’t do this to her. She doesn’t deserve it. I wish I was the one I met you on a Tinder Date. You know, she was very excited to meet you that day. She woke up at five in the morning to choose a suitable dress for the date. She talked about you the whole day, making assumptions on what you could be like. She is very insane about you. A lot insane.” Warm tears start to escape my eyes and before they could reach my cheeks, Tyler wipes them gently with his thumb. His touch is so good. It makes me feel like I’m flying like I’m jumping between clouds. “I’m insane too.” He whispers, tucking a strap of my hair behind my ear. “About you.” He finishes. I feel his lips encountering the tip of my ear, biting it with tenderness. My stomach twists at the feeling and I try to push it back. As strongly as I can. I close my eyes, not even sure what I’m doing. Maybe, I’m picturing his lips upon mine. Maybe, I’m imagining what they could taste like. I hope they taste like blueberry because I love that flavor. I put my little hands upon his chest, preventing him from moving closer because if he moves just one other inch, we’ll do things neither one of us would like_ but secretly admire_

“I can make you feel better; you know that right?” He mutters, now wrapping his hands around my neck. “Please stop,” I mutter back.

“What if I don’t?” He’s now sticking his mouth upon my forehead, giving me a kiss that makes my whole body on fire. I press my eyes tighter, not wanting to see his face or Tina’s reaction, thinking that; the dark encountering me will make me feel safer but in reality it makes me feel weaker. He moves his mouth on my nose, kissing every inch of it and then to my jawline. He knows I love jawline kisses more than anything else but I know what he’s doing. He is using my weaknesses against me because he knows that it makes me give up easier. But, I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t let him control me. I shouldn’t let him manipulate me. Where is my voice? Why do I seem incapable of letting my voice out? Why am I loving this so much when I need to feel the opposite?

Please God, end these struggles. Let me out of this dilemma that can’t stop haunting me over and over.

He finally reaches my mouth as he blocks my breath by pressing his lips hard upon mine. He probably feels my lips shaking against his. He probably also feels my tongue trying to penetrate his. At one sweet moment, all my fears are gone and replaced by a huge lust. My hands move from his chest to his upper arms, squeezing on them to find my balance. With each second passes, the pressure becomes thicker and the whole kiss becomes wilder as if our lips were wrestling in order to win some kind of war, a war of desire and passion. A war where only me and him exist. A war where I don’t feel guilt kissing my best friend’s boyfriend. A war where I don’t feel shame toward myself for doing the most terrible thing in life. Honestly, I have never been betrayed before. I don’t even know what betrayal means. Maybe what’s going on between me and Tyler isn’t called betrayal. Maybe it’s something less hurtful than betrayal. Maybe it’s something stronger than the universe, that no one can define. Maybe it’s indefinable. Our kiss, as beautiful and passionate as it is, is something that I can’t define. You can call it betrayal, you can call it two lost people who are trying to find their missed piece. I wish I could call it infinite love but I know that infinity doesn’t exist and even if it does, we human beings can’t reach it and especially not Me and Tyler. Because there’s one person _maybe more_ that will get hurt and broken and the first person on this list is Tina, my best friend.