Ghost days

The park was summer in its essence. In the shallow of the lake, reeds and cat tails – their fluffy head sticking out amongst the greenery – blew in the breeze, as swans and ducks and all manner of insects made their homes there. She watched this all from her hilltop, listened to the buzz of the flies with distant interest. Other groups milled about below her, laying in the dry grass beneath shady trees, or sitting with their bare toes dipped in the lake, but on the hilltop, she was alone, the wind washing away the killing heat of the midday sun. The only thing she wished she had was a tree of her own to lay against, to cast her shade against the sun’s beatings. 

Shrieks of children, jumping into the cool waters, broke the settled calm that she had gathered around her. They reminded her of other days of summer. Days when she too, had risked diving into that unknown watery abyss. They had swam across, venturing into the deeper waters, like some adventure out of a book. They had been pirates, sailors, explorers. They had been children.

When had they stopped? When had it turned from us to them? She watched the children, wet mops of blonde and brown and black stuck flat against their heads as they bobbed up and down in the water, laughing. The ones on the shore, stripping down to their swimsuits, did not look older than 10 or 11. Had that been their last summer, during that swap from one school to another, one life to the next? After that summer, some of them – the children she had spent half her life with – had vanished into the fog of memory. Others remained, but they were different, changed. Instead of swimming they had rode their bikes, the crunching sound of gravel against tire announcing their presence as they raced across the park, sweat running with the breeze. They had stopped one summer though, too, those former children moved on to other things. She supposed she had moved on too, that she had changed, but it wasn’t something she realised till it was too late. Self-change was a thing that crept up on you.

Unsure of herself, she went back to laying down, the rough grass underneath her, the brightness of the sun ahead. Few clouds graced the sky, but in the distance more were forming, their undersides black. A storm was coming tonight. It would wash away the dry air and the heat and tomorrow the world would be born anew. She would be, too. Tomorrow would be new, the first day of a new life.

There would be no jumping in lakes in this one, no watching the ripples flourish across the otherwise still surface. She was still jumping into the abyss, though; it was to be a less watery adventure, according to everyone’s word. New places, new people. It was a whole new world, waiting for her, just within her fingertips, if only she would reach out and grab it. If only she wanted to. Right now, she would settle for the old ones, settle for those summers by the lake. The days when nothing seemed wrong.

She stood up, lumbering to her feet with slow, thoughtful movements. The smell of sweat from her body hit her, the sticky patches that stuck to her clothes. Now more than ever, she felt envy as she smelled the crispiness of the water in the air. She wished to feel it against her skin.

And what was stopping her? Tomorrow was tomorrow, but today was still today. She hadn’t begun her new life yet. She wandered down the hill towards the old wooden pier, long gone green and rotten, pulling off her shoes and her socks as she walked, the grass and dirt prickly against her bare feet, and stopped by the edge. Throwing her shoes and socks to the side, she stripped off her shirt, down to her bra, ignoring the strange looks from the people sitting on the shore.

She took a deep breath, remembering how they used to do it.

Then, she dived.

Graceful and elegant, like a swan in flight, hitting the water with a crash, the water catching the light as it leaped up, setting her in a rainbow glow. The lake was dark and murky, but she pushed herself down deeper, to the bottom where the sunlight was only an unearthly glow. There, she held herself in place, hanging in the balance of the water as time slowed around her, unwilling to move but unwilling to stay.

She took in the world around her. Leafy green weeds tugged on her feet, tiny silver fish swam undeterred by her presence, an empty silence covering the secret place. It felt wrong to be here alone, to not see another kicking their legs beside her as they swam, to not feel a smile on her face and a lightness in her heart. It felt eerie, unwanted. This was not her place anymore. This was not her time.    

She turned back around and headed to the surface, coming up in a gasp of cool glory, breathless and beaming, as the sun shone down on her face. Basking in its glow, she swam back to the pier, clambering up onto its sides, the water dripping from her body. The water had refreshed her body, her mind and her spirit. Life moved on, and she had to move with it, whether she wanted to or not. To stay would be impossible.

Pulling her clothes back on, she walked barefoot along the pier, her back to the lake. She did not turn to look over her shoulder once, instead keeping her eyes forward, thinking of the summers to come. They would not be here, they would be in a new park in a new city, with new friends laughing as they sat in the shade. When she thought on it, it did not seem so bad. She was ready now, ready for the tomorrow.