Sometimes its better to let go....

Fifteen hours long ride to a completely new city, away from home to the unknown place for nursing placement for a whole month. The best option was taking two days of road trips with a group of seven people in two cars. We were the group that did everything with lots of craziness and fun. We were close to each other. So everyone was really happy to make a road trip with each other.

" Let's rock this placement and enjoy to our fullest." Everyone was content to spend time before we depart from each other after graduation. We all were a little ball of fluff talking about what to do and where to go with great enthusiasm.

And then the day to make the road trip finally arrives. " Woah. Guys, guys, guys I can't even say how happy and giddy I am at this moment" my friend R said to which all of us agreed. We were ten people who were staying together. Only seven were travelling by car while three people were travelling by plane.

We started the trip, jammed to songs after songs and enjoyed the scenery. Since our destination was in a regional area, the view outside the car was vibrant and beautiful with less tall buildings and more greenery. We were taking photos, posting stories on Instagram, chatting and giggling even at the smallest action.

" Let's eat something. I am hungry. I also need to use the toilet." Friend D said. We stopped on Macdonald and ordered four boxes of 24 chicken nuggets each. We hit the road again after using the toilet and getting drinks for each of us.

 There is a time when even the closest friend needs some space from each other. And that time for the three people that were travelling in a car arises on this trip. I was one among those three. After travelling for a day,  making a stop to spend the night camping was our initial plan. We weren't able to camp as we didn't book the camping site in advance. My friend R and D were extra enthusiastic about camping. They were a little bit grumpy about not being able to camp.

We stayed in a motel. We all agreed to wake up early and start the trip early so that we can reach to the Airbnb place on time and get the keys from the owner. Since we were tired from the previous day, some of my friends wanted to start the trip a bit late. But since the people who were driving wanted to hit the road early, we couldn't oppose it.

But that doesn't mean everyone was happy. So my friend R was reluctant, the other friend DS who was driving had a bit of an argument with each other. "I know you are tired. I am the one who is driving. Why are you the one to oppose? You can go to sleep in the car." DS reasoned. I think R wasn't quite ready to accept it as she was grumpy about it. Nonetheless, with majority agreement, we started the trip.

We spend some time in silence and decided to rest. So I went to take a nap for about an hour or two. Since we hit the road quite early in the morning, we still had time for sunrise. So the four people who were in the second car called and said to pullover for watching the sunrise. So we pulled over for watching the sunrise together.

And since we were a group of people who couldn't sit still without joking and making fun of others, the friends who were arguing reconciled and started joking around. At last, everyone was jolly and again started our trip. Friend D, one of my best friend tagged along in the car I was in, making four in the car.

We were three girls and a boy in the car. The two girls(friend R and Friend D) were my best friends and the boy(friend DS) was the only one with whom I shared stories about my life. Even though we were close with each other, we all had some 'dispute' going on since some time.

" I am the one who is close to you, now why do I feel like I am the third-wheel?" It felt angsty for me wanting to ask this question to my best friends. I was feeling left out for so long that I was kind of bitter about the closeness friend R and friend D had. I am the worst person when it comes to expressing my feeling. So with lots of confusion, frustration and bitterness within me, I felt ignoring them would be helpful. I was in talking terms with them while still maintaining my distance. The story behind 'dispute' I was talking.

On the topic of the trip again. We were singing, shouting and dancing the whole time. We started chitchatting after all of us energy level went down. We were talking about things that were related to our hospital placement. Laughing one moment and then getting serious another moment. Since we are still in our early twenties, we mostly talked about our visa extension, studies and jobs.

And then BAM next moment friend R and friend DS started to argue again. Two people in the backseat who were me and our other friend stared at each other like complete lost souls. I tried to calm them down but ended up reprimanded.

I am a sensitive person. I get hurt when others don't try to listen to me and ignore me without any reason. I was going through menstrual mood swings. I was extra sensitive that day due to which I stayed silent for the ride until we reach our destination. My mom always tells me that I look grave when I am sad. So I had that solemn look on my face after that incident. I stopped talking and watched out of the car. There was a thick tension between us.

Friend D thought friend R was upset and tried to cheer her. Even friend DS started talking after saying sorry to friend R. They completely ignored me. I at least deserved a sorry for being scolded for nothing. I felt devastated for knowing how easy it was for them to ignore me when they were together. My friendship was falling apart. I felt like crying then I cried too.

" I know I am not perfect. I may not be as bubbly and fun-loving as you guys. I prefer silence over noise. I prefer staying at home rather than going out. I felt the freest with you guys then why did you guys leave me behind? I was wrong to distant myself before. Don't I deserve a second chance? Is this the end of our friendship?" There were hundreds of questions boiling inside my head with answers to none. I was not brave enough to confront them for answers.

I stayed away from them for a whole month and stopped talking to them for another three more months. I was mentally unstable, too anxious looking for validation from others that I forget to acknowledge myself. I was in a completely new country away from home and family. I got attached to whoever was nice to me. I was busy trying to hold onto whatever remnant the broken friendship I had that I lost connection with my soul.

Suddenly I was interrogated by my self-concise for neglecting my mental health. I started asking myself why I was looking for validation from others. How can I love others when I can't even love myself? Is it that hard to get hold of myself and move forward? With the self-questioning came the desire to seek the answer. I found peace and closure after all the seeking I did.

I was more willing to accept the fact that the falling apart of this friendship wasn't only because of me or only because of them. I felt more peaceful, knowing things turned out the way it is. I was more open to the idea that I was also one who made a mistake and could have done better or handled things bit differently. There was no necessity to cry over the spilt milk. So I decided to move and clear all the tension and unwanted angst among us. Now all of us are in good terms and moving on with our life.

So yeah, everyone was thinking I was not talking with them because of the argument that we had in the car. But it was all due to the silent argument that was proven to be more fatal than the noisy argument.