A Freshman’s Guide to Performing Shakespeare (Poorly)

Step 1: Pick a great tragedy and a bunch of people who don’t wanna do it

Kelly picked a piece of paper from the bag that was being passed around by Mrs. P. King Lear, it said. A tragedy. Not bad. she thought. After all her life was pretty tragic at the moment. She adjusted her glasses and looked around as the rest of her class picked slips that revealed the name of the play they would be performing. Once everyone had been allocated plays, the teacher started calling out each play’s name.

“King Lear” she called. Six people, including Kelly, raised their hands. Kelly looked around, taking in her group members.

Kevin’s hand had shot up as soon as Mrs. P spoke. He twitched around to see who he was working with, and started jotting down something in his open notebook.

Zack grinned widely at the group as he followed Kevin’s suit. He looked nothing short of thrilled to be doing this activity. 

Ryan was mid-stretch-mid-yawn when the play was called out. He raised his arm lazily and yawned again, not bothering to look around.

Michael caught Kelly’s eyes as he raised his muscular hockey arm, and he passed her a half-smile of solidarity.

Thomas was swiveling a pen in his right hand. He looked at his team members unenthusiastically before half-raising his free hand.

A pomp, a drama queen, an indolent, and two incompetent jocks. And me. Kelly mused. That’s a good start to a great tragedy. 

————

Step 2: Write an abridged script of the play and convince men to play women's roles. 

Act 1, Scene 2

Next day, evening - The group is gathered in an empty classroom after school hours. Kevin, Zack, Michael, and Thomas sit at different desks. Kelly paces in the front, shuffling through several loose pages. Kevin is bent down, scribbling something in his notebook. Zack and Michael toss a ball at each other. Thomas lounges in the last row, his feet up on the back of the seat in front of him. After a moment, Kelly looks around.

Kelly: This isn’t a class, Tom. You can sit in the front.

Thomas slowly unravels his body and rambles to the front.

Tom (murmurs): Sorry, Ms T.

Ryan enters

Kelly: You are late. 

Ryan: I was - 

Kelly: Anyway, I have written down a shortened version of the play since we get only fifteen minutes to perform. I was thinking that we can decide on who is playing what characters, so that we can start memorising the script.

She hands out the sheets of papers to everyone. Everyone politely rifles through the pages. Kelly looks at her peers with concern. Ryan’s eyes moved top to bottom instead of left to right as he reads. Kevin was already making scratches and annotations in the script.



Kevin: You have already written the script? It has been one day.

Thomas: Yeah, you really are outdoing the crazy, Kel.

Kelly (glares at Ryan): Well, I had to, when I learned some of you haven’t even read King Lear. It was in our course last year! How did you even pass?

Ryan (glib): I have my ways.

Ryan (whispers to Michael): I sat behind Kelly.

Kelly: We don’t have enough people for each role, so some of us will have to play multiple characters. I think I should play Cordelia, for obvious reasons.

Whispers and nods of agreement.

Kelly: That means one of you will have to play Goneril and Regan. I was thinking - 

Thomas (matter-of-factly): Kevin.

Whispers and nods of agreement.

Kevin: What? Why?

Thomas (sheepishly): Well, you are the only man here who can pull it off, Kev.

Kevin (rambles desolately): I am not even the main girl! I am her loser sisters who die for the plot.

Kelly (interrupts): Thanks, Kev. Ryan, since you haven’t read - anything in life - you can play the Earl of Kent. I have shortened his part.

Ryan (yawns): I don’t care much.

Kelly (glares): It’s a small part but you will still have to memorise it. Mike, can you play Edmund?

Michael: The illegitimate guy who betrays all, causes everyone to die, and himself dies at the end? Sure.

Kelly (pauses): And Zack -

Zack (excitedly): I was thinking that I could play multiple roles as well! I will be great at it! I can play all the smaller roles - Earl of Gloucester, Edgar, Dukes of Albany, Cornwall, Burgundy, and France.

Kelly (alarmed): Are you sure you can play so many? We can take a few off your -

Zack: No, I can handle it! I am a student of drama after all!

Kelly: Okay. In that case -

Thomas: No!

Kelly: Tom, you’ll be - 

Thomas: No!

Kelly: King Lear.

Thomas: No! Kelly - Kevin, let’s switch! I can be the loser sisters!

Kelly: See you all tomorrow, then!

————

Step 3: Embody Shakespeare by speaking early English but forget to practice the actual play.

Act 2, Scene 5

Enter Thomas

Kelly: Verily, I cannot conceive thou art tardy yet again. Thou dost not show due regard for this performance. It angers me exceedingly that thou art not more earnest.

Tom (looks at others in confusion): What is she on now?

Kelly: Why, sir, thou dost seemeth surprised to hear me speaketh in such a manner!

Thomas (interrupting her): Can you not do the accent please? What is even that? Australian?

Kelly (dropping the demeanour): You know it’s English! And we’re all personifying Shakespearean characters to get ready for our roles, and you should too! You are the one who struggles the most with the role. 

Thomas (loudly): That’s because I have the most difficult one!

Zack: Excusez-moi?

Kevin: That’s French, Zack.

Zack: Well, I am being the Duke of France at the moment!

Ryan: Right, ‘urry up, guv’nor, and get practicing’ like the rest of us ‘have been doin’ fer ages.

Kevin: That’s also not Shakespearean, and you arrived two minutes before Tom.

Ryan: 'ow dare ya, ser! Me speaks good ol' Shakespeare, I do!

Kevin: You can't be serious.

The group starts arguing in various languages and accents.

Thomas: I did not enlist for such toil and labor. Methinks thou art all villains.

Kelly: How dost thou such thoughts hold. I wonder whether thou ever even earnest?

Zack: Non, Mademoiselle. I don’t sink ‘e is serious about any of zis.

Thomas: How dare thou question mine integrity? I am most serious in all matters!

Kelly (excitedly): Yes! That’s the intensity I seek in thee. Be the King thou wast born to be. Show this wrath as thou banish me.

Kevin: I know ‘tis a paradox coming from me, but thou doth taketh this too seriously

Michael’s phone rings

Michael: Oh now, I must maketh haste. For I hear a ringing strange. Which must mean that hockey practice awaits.

Ryan: Farewell, good sir. ‘ope to see ya tomorrer, and ‘opefully we can ‘ave a bit more practice of this play, eh?

————

Step 4: Give a great performance and ignore the giggles

Well, I do wish I could tell you that the group gave the performance of a lifetime, something that Shakespeare himself would be proud of. But the thing is that the group spent way too much time embodying his work of King Lear and very little time actually memorizing the script. 

Kelly forgot to remove her glasses through the whole play, and only remembered about them as she lay dead on the floor beside King Lear, plastic digging into the bridge of her nose. Though her performance as Cordelia was flawless in her opinion, she realized why Stacey and Lily were giggling every time she spoke! Removing her glasses would have also spared her of seeing the much too noticeable look of disappointment that Mrs. P directed at them.

As King Lear, Thomas did manage to banish Cordelia very well, channeling all the annoyance with her into his performance, but he did not remember much else, and spoke words that Shakespeare would have never heard in his lifetime, let alone written.

Michael also did not remember the whole of his part but did manage to smooth this over by redirecting the audience’s attention by pointing whimsically at random characters in the play. He also managed to make the antagonist a rather likeable character with his good looks and charming smiles.

Kevin attracted many giggles during his portrayals of Goneril and Regan, much to his annoyance. He sulked through the whole play, drably speaking his lines, and was all too happy while dying and being done with the ordeal.

Ryan gave a very memorable performance as the Earl of Kent. Since he couldn’t remember the actual words of the play, he managed to incorporate a lot of Taylor Swift’s lyrics, like “I weareth the same jewels that thou gaveth me/As I bury thee,” and “If thou art dead to me, wherefore am I at thy wake?/Cursing thy name, wishing thou stayed”. He would have gotten away with it if he hadn’t said “Shake it off” to King Lear as he died.

Zack ended up as a rather bad choice to play multiple roles. He mixed all the names and characters. Cornwall ended up dying very early in the play, Albany ended up not existing at all, and Edgar played a much larger role than was required. He changed the dynamics between all the characters, and was the reason of much confusion in the play.

In the end, the group did manage to scrape a respectable applause for their performance, much because of the enthusiasm by which the play was delivered. Each member later declared that it was because of their rendition of the character/s. Meanwhile, much like the play they preformed, the group disbanded tragically, with accusations of betrayal, professing that they didn’t even like each other, and that they just did it because they had to.