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Funny Fiction Contemporary

Angela jolted upright, gasping for air: “Ahhh!”


Next to her, her boyfriend sat peacefully, propped up with several pillows, his coffee in one hand, his book in the other. “Was it the sandwich guy again?”


Still catching her breath, Angela nodded, putting a hand on her forehead to settle herself. “Yeah.”


“Where were you this time?”


A hand found her chest, felt her racing heart. “The pool. He was there at the edge of the pool when I surfaced.”


“Hmmm, that’s new. Did he bring you a sandwich at least?" Jake, who’d hardly lifted his eyes off his book, sipped his coffee nonchalantly.


Angela nodded. “He told me the avocado was on the house, then winked.”


Her boyfriend’s eyebrows rose. “Well, at least he didn’t charge extra, if you know what I mean.” He nudged her shoulder, winking, and laughed. Most boyfriends probably wouldn’t like the idea of his girlfriend having recurring nightmares about another man, namely the strange guy from the Food Farm grocery store deli, but Angela and Jake’s love for each other could not be threatened by a measly food service worker. They were confident in each other, without doubts – think Lily and Marshall from How I Met Your Mother. Their relationship was strong, bulletproof. Also, Jake was used to Angela’s overly dramatic anxiety blowing up even the smallest interactions into something huge. He wasn’t worried.


“I wish they’d just fire him,” Angela huffed, scooting herself back against the headboard, and leaning her head on Jake’s shoulder, pouting.


Jake chuckled, “For what, dear? Making really good sandwiches, and comping you free avocado?”


“Yeah! Well, no, but yeah! He’s creepy! He always wants to know how I’m doing or what I’m doing. The free avocado every time feels… suggestive. He is definitely asking for a little extra.” She crossed her arms across her chest, exhaling another pout. “Plus, he doesn’t even wear a hairnet. And he has really long hair!”


Jake tilted his head down giving hers a gentle tap. “I think he’s just being nice, honey.”


“Well, that’s weird!” Angela countered.


“You don’t have to go there for your lunch, Angela.”


At that, Angela straightened up, “Yes I do! It’s the only place that’s close enough to walk to on my lunch break! Plus, they’re the only ones with that figgy mustard I like. You can’t actually expect me to give up that figgy mustard. Especially since you’ve never tried it. You have no say in that matter.”


Jake patted her leg, a surrender. “Okay, honey. But if you’re going to keep going there for lunch, you’re going to have to get over your fear of this guy.”


Angela huffed again, annoyed that Jake didn’t care more about the creep who insisted on making her sandwiches every time she went to the deli. His dismissal reminded her of her ex who’d never supported her, even when her boss had the audacity to disrespect her with a degrading thumbs up emoji in response to her well-crafted text messages. She’d proved them both wrong when her Reddit article resulted in a nation-wide movement that’d cancelled the emoji-response and resulted in her boss being fired. Angela rolled her eyes at the thought of it. Boys never understand.


***


The next day, Angela found herself craving figgy mustard more than usual. She’d really tried to steer her appetite in the way of a teriyaki chicken bowl or a hefty roasted bell pepper and black bean burrito, but her taste buds were aching for the sweet bitterness of her newest favorite condiment.


As she approached the deli, she saw the back of his head. Carl, the creepy deli man, was bobbing his head to music only he could hear as he took his time rhythmically sprinkling cheese on flattened dough soon to be pizza. Shit, he’s here!


She texted Jake her exact thoughts.


His typing bubbles danced, and then: "Sandwich man?"


Eyes rolling, she responded, "Yes!"


"Let it go, babe. Just order your sandwich, and leave."


For that level of sass, Angela felt he deserved no response. She clicked her phone off.


Thankful she chose to wear a hat today, Angela tucked her head down and took the long way to the sandwich counter, slowly meandering through the hot bar stands, pretending to browse each item. She secretly hoped something else would catch her grumbling stomach’s interest, but the more she tried to want something else, the more she salivated for the figgy goodness.


Finally making it to the counter, Angela discreetly snatched a dry-erase marker and a “build your own sandwich” menu, and swiftly turned away from the counter to fill in its details. Sliced sourdough, ham, arugula, tomatoes, pickles, lettuce, mayo, figgy mustard, avocado. She jotted down her initials on the bottom –no more putting her full name on any food order ever again-- and quietly laid it onto the countertop, hoping the non-creepy deli guy she spotted further down the line would hustle over to make it for her.


No such luck. As Angela peeked her eyes up, she immediately locked eyes with Carl, who was now heading over with an enthusiastic smile on his face. Fuck! Angela squeezed her eyes shut, and exhaled deeply in an attempt to calm herself down.


“Angela, hi! I was hoping I’d see you today!”


Geezus, chill the fuck out, guy. “Hi,” she said, smiling reluctantly.


“How’s your day going?” Carl said, oblivious to her reluctance.


“Fine.” Another straight-lined grin.


Carl grabbed her filled out order menu. “Ah, looks like you’re sticking with your usual today! People are really loving that figgy mustard. We’re almost out!”


Please don’t be out, I swear to God, if I had to talk to you for nothing –


“But looks like there’s just enough left for you!”


Thank Christ! “Cool,” Angela offered, her fingers tapping anxiously against her thighs.


Carl smiled widely, and turned around to the sandwich-making counter. He was opening up the sourdough bag when he called over his shoulder. “Yeah, yeah, I’m really glad you stopped by because it’s actually my last day today and –”


She’d been rolling her eyes at the sound of his voice when his words finally registered. She perked up. “It’s your last day?!”


Carl was obviously pleased by her interest. “Yeah! You know, I’ve been doing this part-time while I’m in school, but it’s time for me to move on to bigger and better things, so yeah, today –”


Carl’s voice began to fade into the background. Angela was beaming. It’s finally over. I never have to see this guy again. No more fear of the sandwich guy. She was practically drooling at the thought of limitless figgy mustard sandwiches.


“That’s really great, Carl, good for you! I always knew you were meant for bigger and better things.” Angela said this with the most enthusiasm she’s ever given him.


Carl was grinning ear to ear as he wrapped up her sandwich and handed it over the counter.


He’s probably so happy I remembered his name.


“It’s been a pleasure making your sandwiches, Angela. I really hope we run into each other again.” He winked at her, and Angela smiled innocently, pretending she didn’t notice he'd written his phone number on the sandwich’s label.


“Yeah, thanks!” She snatched the sandwich and spun around so jubilantly that her ponytail whipped around and swatted her cheek. She didn’t care, though, she had a little bounce in her step as she walked away. She was sure Carl was watching her, and she got a little pleasure out of knowing he was probably savoring his last moment seeing her (butt) strut away. To celebrate her arch-nemesis’ pending departure, she grabbed a soda (grape) on her way to the self-checkout.


Angela never did this, but she decided to enjoy her sandwich at the covered picnic benches the grocery store provided outside. She had always avoided it for fear of Carl coming out on a lunch break and joining her, but just knowing this would be her last day seeing him made her feel fearless and unruffled.


Laughing at the jotted down phone number on the sandwich label, she unwrapped her sandwich, took a bite, and texted her boyfriend mid-chew.


"Carl’s last day! And I was totally right. He was being suggestive. He gave me his phone number!"


God, the mustard is goooood, she thought, waiting for his response, which was currently being typed out.


"I’ll kill him."


And then quickly followed by: "Glad you don’t have to worry about him! You can finally get some sleep!"


Angela laughed at her boyfriend’s lighthearted joke. She loved him for being supportive, and for loving her enough to joke about killing someone for her. She was thinking about all the other things she loved about Jake, and how happy she was now that Carl would be out of her life when she felt something strange on her tongue. Something scratchy and rough plastered against the back of her mouth. Assuming it was just a stringy bite of wilted arugula, she rubbed her tongue against the roof of her mouth, ushering the food down her throat. She coughed a little and washed it down with her grape soda.


Her next bite was full of her figgy mustard, and she almost moaned at its deliciousness. Jake has got to try this. She decided to bring home the second half so Jake could try it.


“Mmmm,” Jake said through full cheeks. Once he'd swallowed, he said, “Wow, babe, I totally get it now.”


Angela’s grin was victorious. “I told you!” She eagerly snatched the rest of her sandwich from her boyfriend and chomped a bit bite out of it. As she was chewing she felt the same scratchy arugula-ish thing stuck at the back of her tongue. This time, she was not entirely convinced arugula was capable of this sensation, and ushered the item forward with her tongue. Opening her mouth, she fished it out with her fingers and inspected it.


“Ew, what the fuck!” Angela exclaimed, gagging.


Jake’s face was distorted in a mock look of disgust. He was grossed out, but he was also laughing. “Is that the sandwich guy’s hair?”




November 11, 2022 06:24

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18 comments

Amanda Lieser
21:08 Dec 05, 2022

ANNE! Thank you for the deliciously delightful story! I loved it! I was hoping for something a tad lighter after reading the title, having enjoyed your more intense drama stories today. This was so funny! I want a version in Carl’s POV. I have never had figgy mustard. But now, I think I may need to find some. I love that you start out with a dream. I love that it’s jarring. I loved that HIMYM reference. This was a delightful bite that I’d enjoy again and again. The ending was simply the cherry on top!

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AnneMarie Miles
03:26 Dec 06, 2022

You have got to try some figgy mustard, it is so good! So happy you read this one last after all my dreary stories. It was fun to revisit this character and see how else she engages in the world aside from cancelling emojis ;) SO happy you enjoyed it; it was a blast to write!

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Sophia Gavasheli
02:16 Nov 28, 2022

Yay, you brought back Angela! And even funnier than before. Once again, your characterization of her is very on par; her obsessive/overthinking nature comes out in every line. I love the description of the sandwich and how you call back to the sandwich guy's hair at the end. On a nit-picky note, I felt like the paragraph that starts with "Most boyfriends probably wouldn’t like..." is a bit too much telling instead of showing. Perhaps there would be a way to weave that info into the story through dialogue?

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AnneMarie Miles
05:10 Nov 28, 2022

Hey Sophia! I'm glad you were as happy to see Angela again as I was. I had a lot of fun with this one. Thank you so much for this bit of feedback. Showing vs telling is definitely somewhere I need to improve. I think my intention was to show how Angela thinks more than to tell about their relationship, but despite my intentions, I appreciate your comments and will take it into consideration for next time!

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Rebecca Miles
06:50 Nov 20, 2022

Hello my lovely literary lady. First off, can I say, over the pond it's breakfast time and I've got to stop reading lying in bed without even a cuppa to hand! All those sandwich descriptions, especially the salivating over figgy mustard. I love that stuff although it normally only comes out at Christmas for some reason. Your descriptions of the sandwich bar are seemingly effortless and fit the light touch of this piece perfectly. It takes me back to the only time I've been to America- Chicago- and the range of fillings, types of bread; and ...

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AnneMarie Miles
06:04 Nov 21, 2022

Hey these sister Miles! Glad to stir your appetite so early in the morning. Bet you can tell I know my way around a deli or two 🙊😂🤤 You and Michal have given me plenty to consider. I may have a horror or maybe even a funny horror to write in my future... It seems we need a brainstorming sesh before the week's deadline, too! It was lovely to bring back Angela. I feel for this poor girl, I just want to help her out, but for now I'll just be telling her stories! Hope you had a delightful and filling breakfast! Sending you some delicious figgy ...

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Michał Przywara
21:44 Nov 16, 2022

Heh, a fun story :) I'm sure we've all met/been people like this, getting tripped up by a minor thing and having it gnaw at us. Of course, while light-hearted, this story is also an excellent setup for horror. What if she's right? What if nobody believed her until it's too late? Anyway, that's a different story. Balancing the unpleasant social interaction with the desire for figgy mustard was a good conflict. How often do we do something we don't really want to do, because of the immediate short term benefits? She gets a great sandwich n...

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AnneMarie Miles
15:18 Nov 17, 2022

Another lovely comment by you, thank you :) I see your comments everywhere and they are always so pleasant, kind, and helpful! You have given me so many great things to ponder here. Horror - right up my alley. You might have planted a seed.... In house figgy mustard - ugh, why didn't I think of that?!? I guess I was already bending this prompt so far I was blinded by the plausible limitations, though carrying around the figgy mustard probably equates to carrying around his hair... I had so much fun resurrecting Angela! I don't think I in...

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Helen A Smith
07:05 Nov 16, 2022

Fun story , but with hidden depths. I can relate to the main character dreaming about the guy and building it up in her mind. However, he did give her his number so she wasn’t imagining things.

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AnneMarie Miles
15:31 Nov 16, 2022

Hey Helen! I'm glad this character was relatable. She is my extreme representation of an anxious person (sometimes our anxieties are warranted!) and this is her second feature so it was nice to revisit her! Thanks for taking the time to read and comment! I appreciate it!

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21:22 Nov 15, 2022

Great story! This was so creative, and it's all about a dream and a sandwich guy. It surprised me quite a few times, well done.

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AnneMarie Miles
15:00 Nov 16, 2022

Thank you for reading this silly little story of mine! Its based on the same character from mt story "Cancelling the Thumbs Up Emoji" and I had fun bringing her back to life!

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15:36 Nov 16, 2022

Just went back and read Thumbs Down to Thumbs Up... that's a great story too and you have a great voice in your stories. I loved watching the MC's anxiety twist the possible meanings of everything at every turn. And I spot a definite trend in having some variety of an Oat Milk Latte appear in satirical fiction this year!

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AnneMarie Miles
17:41 Nov 16, 2022

Wow, thanks Scott, for checking out my other story. Angela is a unique character, and as someone with a lot of anxiety, I found bringing her to life a bit cathartic! Oh yes, tis the season of the Oat Milk Latte! I got a laugh out of it when i noticed the reference in your story as well; I personally love them since I cant have dairy but I still see the trending joke and have to laugh at myself 😂

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Francois Kosie
20:15 Nov 13, 2022

Fun story! And an interesting interpretation of "carrying it with them." I feel she's a bit unduly obsessed with the sandwich guy to the point of imagining him at the pool, but then again, maybe I just don't understand :) "The free avocado every time feels… suggestive" had me wondering if it is something about avocado, but no, I think it's just the fact that it's "free." If there's one thing I've learned from Chipotle, it's that avocado costs extra. Now I feel like trying figgy mustard.

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AnneMarie Miles
21:10 Nov 13, 2022

Hi Francois, Yes I definitely pushed the boundaries with this interpretation but since it was approved I'm assuming it counts as acceptable, lol. This character was created for my story "Cancelling the Thumbs Up Emoji" in response to a prompt about a character who over thinks everything, so it is not at all unlike her to make an unreasonably big deal out of this deli guy. I highly recommend trying figgy mustard 👍 Thanks for taking the time to read and comment!

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Tommy Goround
11:37 Nov 14, 2022

-He always wants to know how I’m doing or what I’m doing. The free avocado every time feels… suggestive. He is definitely asking for a little extra.” She crossed her arms across her chest, exhaling another pout. “Plus, he doesn’t even wear a hairnet. And he has really long hair -Jake patted her leg, a surrender -She’d proved them both wrong when her Reddit article resulted in a nation-wide movement that’d cancelled the emoji-response... ::: Oopsie.. am I in a serial story:::: if so, good job. I didn't notice it till now. -“Fine.” Another st...

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AnneMarie Miles
14:04 Nov 14, 2022

Lol, thanks Tommy!

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