Bubbles

 Bubbles.

Sometimes try. To. Catch bubbles … tiny ones, they float above me. A soft pink ceiling seals me in. A kind of membrane. But where does it go?

Where do I go?

Very tired. I open my mouth. Yawn it all out. Bend my neck. It needs rest. Eyes heavy under lids. Closing them… so soothing. With them tight shut dark, I go to vanish. Back again on dream journey. Traveling, to where? Memories unfurl. I’m in the unknown. What? Is it?

Fragments of life. Memories forming. Past is present. Present is past. I don’t know. Uncoiling.

 🫧 🫧

Suddenly. Jerk awake, dream of shadows and bubbles is over. Breathe in, feel more. Keep breathing. My eyes keep open, and I’m back. In the big bubble. Breathing in. Ahhhhh. Ooooh. Bubbling up, I want more.

Of Me.

So…

Awake, awake in my sac. Thirsty. Awake to gulp. Keep gulping. The liquid. Always. I feel it, taste. Sliding down into my belly.

See the soft pink red. Everywhere.

Bubbles. Are they out? Or in? Where to go? Here.

Or there. There. Or here?

My tiny one thrums to a larger beat. Pulsing Life. Whose life? Mine? Yours? Someone/something pressing down as I press back up against them. I need to know them. Little is under Big. That’s it.

Somewhere, rising above me. A bigger Life?

I? Who am I? Are they Part of Me? Unknown, but always there.

All is here.

Will it ever stop? Will I stop? Am I safe? If so, for how long?

Comfort… is to suck in, suck my fingers. I touch my throat, keep gulping. Suddenly engulfed, a giant hiccup lifts me up. It makes big bubbles. Ha ha ha. Funny, so funny. Stretch my legs, lovely, feels good. To be free. From what?

Something?

I keep practicing for something. What? Gurgle, swallow more fluid. Why?

 🫧 🫧

Shadows loom.

Scared.

Keep breathing in. Who is this special someone? Above me?

**

Alarm. Floods … is my journey to end soon? I’m big now. Swollen to bursting ripe. Reached my limit. Outgrown. Will I be forced to leave? Where will I go? When? Where? How?

I think I know. Somehow I do. Think.

Not ready. Not yet.

Sink back into softness.

Echoes grow loud. Distortions disturb. Big cry above, immense sadness. Big is sad. Why? My hand reaches up. I give gentle kick, I feel response. Big hand rubs belly, warms me. Sad subsides. Then…

I hear clink clank clink, harsh voices, slamming, a rattling, a shifting above. It settles. Then quiet. A big gurgling and I taste something sweet. Full up.

Much better.

Close lids, zone out. Dream of mystery to come. Elemental. Chemical changes. It all tastes different. Something huge. New. To be absorbed.

Journey into the unknown. Soon? Unimaginable.

Kick, bounce, stretch. Within my walls. I must keep moving. Don’t know. Why? To be strong for outside. Compelled, I keep turning until head points down. Down down down. For my big journey. To the outside.

The whooshing. Whoosh always there like thrum beating pulse of life through fluids. From outside, I feel the rise and I lift too. Then back down to where? Hear only noise. Beating and whooshing. The big blood rushes and big gurgles as I taste. Her?

Some. Shadows.

Concentrate. Play with tube. Wondering. Am I ok?

Deep dark red.

Last night. Big burst. The Crying hit so I reached up. My hands touched a warmth. It flowed into me from above. I nudged gently. To help Big One outside. Is it that? It’s what I do. I think the warmth makes me happy. I think. I am.

A lovely, sweet doing thing. Sound from big. Gives joy.

Yawn deep. Time is sleep. Embedded. In my time.

I remember now. The gurgle of something tasting sweet. From her system came the thumping of a heart in unison with my own. A voice reverberating. Hearing through fluids, then a muffled music, then shouting. Sometimes I hear the others. When they leave, I hear a voice so sweet and pure. I feel the pressure of the big hand and hear her sing. I love. Afterwards, I play with the thing sprouting from belly for a long time.

***

Suddenly the deep break of waters rushing. The beat speeds up, then I’m torn away from certainty, I am tumbling floating tasting sucking my hand in my mouth opening and closing and rolling eyes round squeezing pulling twisting. A wrenching. Intense pulling. Feels like being torn apart.

I see. Extra bright lights. Ache never ending stretching. A pressure. Pulling down, she cries aloud. She needs me to go now. My head is cramped in a vice. I’m expelled, squeezed. Out? Out? Out, not in.

Pushing. Strains. Help me. Help us. The space here is tight, I must leave. Help. So so tired but got to keep going. Release me from the tug. Then, quickly, I go. Descend, tumbling from darkness. Into a brilliant light.

Holding, still I catch onto the cord. No longer playing. Now almost strangling me. The only link of the past, I grapple. Something pulling me. Until I’m out and stranded.

My body is heaving ho. The life is out. Out out out. Mouth opens full, straining to breathe in a different way. Never done it like this before. All alone. Lungs gasp for fresh air. Out with the old, in with the new. I smell… mother. Nearby

I want her…so much. She lies limp.

Brightness. Too bright.

Huge metal clanking, something creaking, a door opens. Glaring over me. New shapes stampede. Stop the banging sound. My head hurts!

 “What’s going on? What the fuck is going on here? Tell us…”

So hot in here. So…

Cry much louder than before. We. Both too hot.

Covered, all in film, I’m wet, trembling. The big one cries quietly. Alone. My lungs grab the fetid air. I open wide. Breathe in and out. Strange smells. Don’t know.

Another soft form, she picks me up. I cry out all my mother's pain . Keep breathing now is all I know.

”Didn’t anyone notice?”

“She never said anything.”

”Not to anyone.”

”Nothing surprises me here.”

I’m lifted into space. So high!

Firmly.

“Hurry! Get clean towels – I am going to need them for this poor little mite.”

Someone hands a bed sheet. “This will have to do. It’s all we’ve got.”

But I want to be with big one! On the bed she lies pitching, eyes all dull.

Scooped away. Other arms have hold. Keep me safe.

But I need … the one in the bed.

A figure all broken and bloodied. She’s there among the red. It’s everywhere. Her eyes fall back in head. The bed smells of her. She’s not here. With me.

“I’ll bring baby back as soon as I can,” the person holding me says.

For a second, I look back, see the pain of defeat. Keep fighting. Please … I need you.

Powerless. Carried away.

The blanket keeps me warm; the stranger’s embrace soothes, makes me relax.

“Don’t worry. I’ll look after you, beautiful baby.”

***

Outside, so loud in the corridors, it seeps out. The clamour of other women.

My lungs expand. How many breaths more before they stop? How many heartbeats? In and, out in out. I must get back. To her. My outside journey has only just begun.

Air swishes through the big room tunnel. My newly opened lungs feel like they will burst. Other big shapes are here. One hands something soft. Trembling, it warms me. I’m enfolded. Feels good. Not as nice as inside big one, but good.

Words come from shape in the bright.

“Just one more minute with her.”

Nice smell. I like soft face. I grip her finger. Look into eyes, hold onto roundness.

Whispering in my ear, “I promise I will keep an eye on you, little baby. I’ll help your mother get well. I will bring you back when they’ve checked you’re safe at the hospital. Keep fighting little one. I can’t tell you how much she will love you. Your hair is so beautiful. Just like hers.” Tears roll down her face. Like bubbles.

🫧 🫧

New Walls. Closing in. Must not stay long.

Please. I must get back. To meet…

My. Mother.