Working to progress

“You were supposed to be watching.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Just a few stragglers slipping by would’ve been fine, but an entire horde of the undead?”

Jamie had been trying to ignore the sounds of the hands pounding against the wall of the farmhouse, the boarded windows felt like old, unlocked doors; willing to swing open at the lightest tap. The pistol in her hand felt as if it was shrinking with every uneven breath she took. She kept her body turned away from Mai, refusing to look her in the eyes, much less acknowledge she was there – Jamie was too embarrassed.

It had been 5 years since the apocalypse started, and 5 years since they had been separated, 5 years since she last saw her. But like an idiot, instead of leaping into her arms, at first sight, Jamie had done her utmost best to hide. Then, out of nowhere, their captain had grouped them together to complete a task alone. He'd always been like that, the moment he felt friction between his people he sent them out together, his reasoning for this had always been "Work together or die together.". Though the task itself had been incredibly simple; all they had to do was round up any undead near the camp and lead them away while the walls were being repaired. Jamie, with her 5-star brain, decided to scout ahead while Mai acted as bait; she felt bad for leaving her with a collection of decomposing corpses trailing behind her - but the fear of conversation eventually outweighed anything else.

As it turned out though, the overwhelming silence only allowed for their argument from 5 years ago to play out over and over until it completely consumed her. Everything Jamie had said and done wrong, was suddenly pelted back at her after years of repression and not being given a chance to process. The old pain she had dulled down, felt as if the layers of numbness had been scratched open, sending free waves of hurt that gnawed on crusted layers of guilt. Her heart strings felt raw and irritated; Jamie couldn't ignore the stiffness in her chest. The reins she had been squeezing dropped down as she began massaging the skin above her heart...

Not only did she fail in soothing herself, but she also failed spectacularly in noticing a horde of the undead in her peripheral. The heart she had been so meticulously massaging dropped when she heard a guttural moan, the same kind she had heard when they first appeared. Only then did she realise her mistake.

The sheer size of the horde would frighten the most experienced of them, but these bodies were different than the ones they had rounded up. These were fresh bodies, all their sinew and tendons were still attached, they were fast, not at all like the year’s old bodies behind them. Those monsters could run, and bite, and rip them apart - a wave not unlike the one that doomed humanity's world to a dystopian nightmare. There was no running from these, they were 20 meters away, they'd eventually catch up, even on horseback. The only thing they could do, was ride until they found shelter.

“Do you hate me that much?” The sound of Mai's shaking voice jolted her back to where she really was, in a farmhouse, at the entrance, her body shaking with fear, though somehow Mai had scared her more than the rotting eye she had just seen peeking in between two planks.

“Hate you?” Her words came out in a splutter, Jamie’s brain somehow unable to comprehend a sentence that linked the words “Hate” and “Mai” together. “How would that even be possible?”

Jamie’s brain hadn’t even fully sorted out Mai’s last sentence, what it had meant or where it came from when Mai finally broke down after a full morning’s silence. Her eye’s while full of fire fueled by years of anger and unfiltered, unresolved frustration shared room with the pools of water pouring down her cheeks. Mai was never the type to hide how she felt, no matter the consequence, everything that bothered her, was placed outside to heal instead of locked away where it would fester and hurt her even more. It was one of the key reasons that they had argued back then. Jamie wasn’t ready, she didn’t want her high-school or her parents to know about them.

She would do whatever Mai wanted, she learned Japanese, paid attention in class, and actually started looking after herself. The only road she couldn’t travel was being honest with family and friends that wouldn’t want her afterward. So, with no excuses to be made, Jamie just listened as Mai spat out words like they been molding inside her for decades, understanding how much she needed it.

“I haven’t seen you in 5 years, and the first thing you do is make excuse after excuse just to avoid me. And when we were finally tasked together you obviously used all your brainpower just to avoid being near me. How am I supposed to take that as Jamie?”

Her words steadily rose in volume, to drown out the moans from outside, her sentences sharper than the shards of glass that had been smashed and thrown in between planks that covered the windows.

“How was I supposed to take it any other way? Are you that fucking childish? We had one argument! And not to mention, in between then and now, we both could’ve died at any moment, we’re probably going to die now! Because of you.”

Jamie’s silence seemed to frustrate her even more – Mai couldn’t take it. Her fingers latched onto Jamie’s shirt and yanked her around to face her, ignoring how the salt in her tears made the cuts on her cheeks sting, Mai kept on screaming.

 “Why? After all this time? Are you still mad because I pushed you to come out? I’m sorry for that, really, if you weren’t ready, I shouldn’t have been so adamant. I was too impatient, and I can fucking admit that because it’s the one thing that’s been keeping me up at night.”

 A hand smashed through the colored glass at the top of the Farm-house door, knocking loose the decorative cross that had been swaying for most of their conversation.

“Well, that and the possibility of a sudden painful death.”

Arms reached inside, blindly flailing around for something to latch onto; once it had found a hold, it began to pull itself inside. Only when the corpse had pushed itself halfway through, could Jamie feel her finger pressing down on the trigger, she kept still, watching as the body slumped over – only lowering her gun until she was sure it blocked the entrance it made.

Her hands wouldn’t stop shaking, and her breathing wouldn’t still – with sweat still dripping down her neck she glanced down at her weapon. “That was my last one.” She mumbled, “I used the rest of them to keep the house clear while you were catching up.”

“I still have a full magazine.”

“There any good stories?”

Mai’s silence and confused expression made it look as if she was figuring out whether or not to be mad. Her partner didn’t catch the pun, but that wasn’t Mai’s fault, it hadn’t been one of Jamie’s best anyway.

“Just a joke,”

Jamie slowly lowered herself down, facing the door, “You know, like a gun magazine and the magazine you read.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Same as what was wrong with me back then… I’m sorry Mai.”

Sitting herself down next to Jamie, Mai brushed away the tear tracks that had formed through the dirt and grime on her face with her sleeve. Unlike Jamie, Mai hadn’t even unholstered her pistol, neither of them had cared to notice.

“And what is wrong with you.”

“I’m scared. That’s all there is.” Jamie leaned back slightly brushing her shoulder against Mai’s jacket; she felt almost embarrassed with how conscious she suddenly become of where they had touched. Jamie’s own shoulder felt as if it was replaying what had just happened, just to remind her further how badly she had missed her.

“I was too scared to come out; after what happened when they thought I was gay; I didn’t want them to know that I actually was. I don’t even care that I never told them. I know what would’ve happened. They would’ve sent me back to that camp… And when that wouldn’t work, they would kick me out and pretend I died.”

“Then you would’ve come to me, and we would’ve lived together.”

“Exactly.” Jamie sighed, trying to brush her fingers through her mud-and-sweat-covered excuse of hair, her nails catching on to a clump before she even reached a quarter of the way through. “And I would’ve been happy with just that, so I still don’t completely understand why I didn’t just do it – how could I have been so afraid of what would happen immediately that I ignored what could’ve come after.” 

Up until now, Mai’s silence had been a direct result of the hurt gnawing on her heart, but now she struggled to speak through the guilt pressing down on her throat. The sound of wooden planks and glass breaking from the bedrooms didn’t even phase her anymore, as arms pushed their way through, yearning to latch on to anything living, she kept a sad little smile.

“I was too impatient Jamie, I wasn’t fair to you, I should’ve waited.”

“But that’s not fair to you either, you wanted a girlfriend, you made that clear from the beginning. I just couldn’t keep up my end of the bargain.”

Mai’s hands drifted over to Jamie’s head, lightly stroking the top, just like she used to do back then. “We’re probably going to die.”

“I’m sorry.”

“At least we’re dying together, that’s something I could eventually be ok with.”

“Eventually?”

“I might haunt as a ghost for a few centuries but – “

Explosions ripped her words away; the entire house felt as if it had started shivering at the thought of being touched by even one of the tank shells being flung at the horde. The bodies that had covered every crevasse began to pull away, the hands that had been so desperately searching before now suddenly found a new interest. By the time, the second round of shots came, Jamie had been clinging on to Mai so tightly she felt as if she might never be able to let go. Above the warfare and the screaming, Jamie could hear Mai exploring the use of every curse in her arsenal, blasting expletives right next to her ear. The house that had been covered in bodies, now began to fill with sunlight. Jamie could see how badly worn down the wallpaper of the house had become; mold grew down from the edges of the roof as few mushrooms peeked out from behind the broken couches. It was nasty, but at least it wasn't dark.

When the blasting stopped and the steps of the zombies became more distant and dulled as they were led away, did Jamie become aware of the sound of the horses they left outside. Their hooves knocking on the floor, creating a beat for the tank as the noise of its wheels faded away.

Expectation filled the silence that followed; neither of them dared to move to see what had happened. Only after Jamie felt sure she heard the voice of her captain bellowing orders, did she leap from the floor and yank the door open. The horde had been lured away by their tank - seeing the backs of the walking graveyard she holstered her pistol.

“Jamie,” 

Mai was still sitting on the floor, knees to her chest as if she had been robbed of something.

“I waited years for you, I waited until the world ended and I am still waiting.”

Returning to her side, Jamie took Mai’s hand in hers, slowly rubbing circles on her palm. Taking in what she had been yearning for all this time. She had a chance to fix things and be better; there was no one left to judge them. She finally felt at ease with not only herself but with the people around her. Security came in her trust for the people in her camp, certainty in others made her feel safe. She took Mai into her arms again, feeling her melt back into her embrace.

“It’s not going to be a perfect relationship Mai, but I think we both care enough about each other to work on it.”

She felt Mai’s head nod on her shoulder; Jamie could feel the comfort of the person in her arms radiate back to her. Jamie’s heart had calmed down, her hands no longer shaking, she felt sure for herself and the decision she made and will continue to make.

“No more waiting.”

Because now they actually have a future.