All in Your Head

Bring! Brrring! bRInGGG! 

The alarm clock jolts me awake. I stare at the framed calendar hanging above the footboard of my bed. Today's date is circled in red. I sigh. 

Guess today’s the day.  

Slowly, I roll out of bed and push back the covers. I make my way to the bathroom and give myself a long, hard look in the mirror. I take a deep breath. 

Ok Beth. Today’s the day. You can do this, ok? Like Mom always says, it’s all in your head. 

It’s all in your head- 

It’s all in your-

It’s all in- 

I splash water on my face and wince at its cold impact. Then, I take out my toothbrush and carefully put toothpaste on its bristles. I brush my teeth in tiny circles, and its fresh, minty essence fills my mouth. It’s strong, and it momentarily makes my eyes water and I cough. 

I clean up and shuffle back to my bedroom. I open my closet and lay out my clean pressed outfit that I so neatly organized last night. 

Alright Beth. Time to wow the world! You got this. 

I take the sparkly black dress off its hanger and lay it on my bed. Then, I take out the dangly earrings kept inside my blue trinket box. I sigh. 

You can do this! 

“Beth! Are you ready? We have to leave in 5 minutes!” 

I quickly rush to change my clothes and nearly stab my earhole hastily putting the sparkly earrings on.  Then, I dash down the stairs to the kitchen and grab a granola bar for the car ride. I nearly run into Mom. 

“Beth! There you are! Are you ready? Do you need to bring anything? Lyrics maybe?” 

“Nope! I don’t need lyrics, I have them memorized.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes, I mean, I think so…” 

“Great, head into the car. We’re running late, you can eat that in the car.” 

I slip on ballet flats and try to run across the driveway into the waiting car. But there is rain on the driveway and I nearly slip on the dirty puddles. But I catch myself, and slosh over to the car. 

The recital hall is 20 minutes away, and the rain will cause it to take at least 30.  The car moves away, and I stare out the window as the world zooms by. Hues of green flood my vision as we drive past the circle of trees in our neighborhood. 

* * * 

Just like that, we are 5 minutes away from the recital hall. I run through the song lyrics in my head. I’d look like a fool if I were to forget them—having seemed so confident earlier. The song is about hope, joy, bringing light to the world. I chose it because those are things I love. I close my eyes and remember the immense happiness I first felt when I found the gem.  

In that moment, my Mom looks back at me from the rear-view mirror. 

“Hey Beth?” 

I open my eyes. 

“Yeah?” 

 “Are you okay?” 

“Yeah…”

“It’s just, today’s performance will be in front of 300 people… we went over this but I just wanted to make sure you’re alright…” 

I give her a thumbs up and stare out the window again. 

300 people 

three hundred people 

600 eyes

six hundred eyes 

My hands start to sweat. I wipe them on my dress—to no avail. They sweat even more. 

watching you 

judging you...

Come on Beth! Snap out of it! It’s all in your head!

I look out the window and focus on the car next to us. It is a red Camry, and there’s a sticker on the back that declares “THIS CAR CLIMBED MT. WASHINGTON.” 

you fool. that audience of 300 people isn’t in your head, is it?

I concentrate on the red Camry, squinting in my desperation. 

That’s when my hands start to shake. 

I squint so hard at the Camry that I don’t notice Mom looking back at me, once again.  

“Beth? Honey? Are you alright?”

The question hangs in the air, and I don’t hear it at first. 

I don’t understand how, but I manage a weak nod. Mom returns her eyes to the road, and I look to my precious Camry. 

Something’s off…

I notice that the Camry has changed shades. What once was a bright, fire-engine Red with a capital R, is now a faded and rustic Salmon.  I decide to break the ice. 

“Mom?” 

“Yes?” 

“Did you see that?”  

“What?” 

“That Red Camry became a lighter shade of red…” 

“Which red Camry?” 

“That one.” I point at it; it is right next to our car, how does she not see it? 

“Honey, there is no red Camry. There was one but it passed us at the traffic light.” 

“Oh.” 

My hands don’t seem to cease sweating, and I can feel a throbbing headache coming on. 

“Do you need me to pull over?” 

“No, don’t do that...we’ll be late…” 

“It’s alright. Unless you think you can last for another 10 minutes?” She knits her eyebrows together and looks at me with what looks like pity. 

don’t be a nuisance… 

“Yes, I’m fine. You can keep going.” She returns to the road, once again. 

I go over the lyrics again. 

Good, you still know them. Guess you really did memorize them!  

I sigh in relief. I shut my eyes and press them closed; I run through the lyrics one more time-

as if you’ll be needing those... 

Huh? What’s that supposed to mean? 

you’ll have another meltdown, of course. even your mother is taking pity on you. you never got over it did you? 

Please. Go away. It’s all in your head, Beth.  

please. just remember there will be 6-0-0 eyes locked on you and watching you and criticizing your every note.  

My hands keep sweating, and it feels like there is sweat pouring out of every skin cell. 

My head aches, now fully throbbing. 

My face pales—goosebumps run down my spine. 

My chest tightens. 

I take a deep breath in-

And suddenly, the world goes dark.