I stood there in silence, my hand pressed against my lips, the taste of warm cider still tingled. For years we had been friends, maybe even the bestest of friends some would say, never once had I looked at her the way she was looking at me in that moment, I didn't hate it to be honest I was just caught off guard.

The moment stayed fresh in my mind all day, the only thing I could do to keep from it was to try and distract myself but even that was proving to be a challenge. Her scent in that moment had filled my mind making it go all numb, it was a mixture of roses (her favorites) and warm apple cider, the drink she always had when the leaves began to change their colors.

I never realized how sweet that scent was until it had clouded all of my senses, I just wish that I was the one to realize how she felt before she ran off, tears threatening to escape her eyes soon to ruin her well-put-together makeup she took pride in getting ready each and every morning.

I wondered "What happens now?" As I walked through the halls holding my scarf close to my face, this being our last year of high school together, I was a year older which put me a grade above her but despite that, we never strayed from just being us, and I had hoped we would never change.

Just then I stopped short at the front entrance door, looking up as rain began to fall. "Does it always do this when people feel off or is it just me?" I wondered as I held out my hand catching a drop and then letting it fall to the ground.

"Your gonna catch a cold like that, you know Yuki?"

I turned at the sound of my name, surprised to find Amai standing there, I blinked twice not knowing what to say after what happened yesterday as she walked closer to where I stood.

Just then she invaded my personal space looking at me intensely before going "Ah Ha!" And then taking a step back.

"You cut your hair, didn't you, Yuki?" She asked, leaning to the side with a cute grin on her face.

"O-Oh y-you got me, haha," I said, nervously as I avoided eye contact.

"Hmm? Is something wrong Yuki?" She tilted her slightly.

I wasn't sure how to respond to her, here I was all flustered and worried over the kiss we shared just the other day and yet Amai seemed to be unfazed as usual, she's just so bubbly and bright kind of like a beautiful sunflower you just want to shelter from the harsh rain.

I reached out and patted her head, "Oh, nothing's wrong. Shall I carry the umbrella this time?" I asked, hoping to change the topic.

"Sure! Wanna grab a bite and then hang at my place later?" She asked as I moved my hand, her hair all ruffled now.

"Ah I'm sorry Amai, I have to study for the big midterm test coming up and you know how my folks are. But dinner should be fine?" I offered, hoping I didn't make the tension worse as I sighed under my breath.

To my relief, she just said okay and we walked through the doors in the rain, before I knew it we had reached the station, we stood there in silence as we waited for our train to approach. The tension growing thick between us until the sliding doors of the train opened allowing us to board and then picking out a couple of seats by the door we sat down together.

On the ride home, I felt a slight pressure on my shoulder, as I looked over I came to find Amai had fallen asleep, putting my arm around her so that she didn’t fall I whispered to myself,  "I guess I wasn't the only one who lost sleep last night?" Just then I leaned over as I caught a whiff of strawberries and cream, and it took me back to when we were younger playing in the hot summer sun. I wondered if things change would we get to have moments like that anymore? The thought made me sad, but I couldn’t shake what she had said that night.

Just then she began to stir and I could feel my body going stiff, hoping not to wake her, but it was no use Amai had always been a heavy sleeper and because of that I often warned her about not getting enough sleep before school. It worried me that she wouldn’t get enough sleep and would just fall asleep whenever she got the chance to sit down as if her body couldn't keep up with her bubbly energy.

I wondered how she would survive without me next year, but I'll be halfway across the countryside in college studying to become a doctor, and she'll still be here stuck in her senior year without me.

I haven't even told her I was leaving yet, the right time never seemed to show itself to me and after our kiss, I'm not sure there ever will be a right time, but I don't want to just abandon her without warning. I only have three months left before I have to be packed and on my way across the world.

And honestly, the thought pained me to admit. "What if she gets a boyfriend while I'm gone? Or even a girlfriend?" I didn't want that to happen, I didn't want anyone else to see the sides of her only I get to see, but I feared I may have hesitated and made her wait too long.

"What if she's already moved on?" She did run away yesterday with tears in her eyes, and I wondered if it was because of my face? Did I have an expression of disgust or anger? I'm not sure what was racing through my mind at the time but it drove me crazy trying to figure it out honestly.

That day, she pulled me aside and said she had liked me for a while but wasn't sure how to tell me until the feelings felt like they were gonna burst out of her chest and kill her, like an idiot I just stood there saying nothing with a dumb look on my face as she continued to confess her love for me. Why me? I asked myself, what was so special about me for her to have fallen so hard? We're both girls, I'll admit I'm much taller than she is and much stronger and better at sports, but she's so good at drawing, and animating and music.

When she talks about music she gets this glow about her that's so bright it almost blinds you and her voice is so sweet and soothing that you can get carried away by it, I find it cute how she lights up. How she makes you want to never leave the room once you’ve entered, like a gravitational pull, with no way to escape.

But won't others think the same? I won't be there to protect her and that honestly scares me so much it hurts. She’s always been popular but that’s another reason I fear, a lot of girls are jealous and I’ve known them since before Amai, they would shed blood to get what they wanted most.

But what if I tell her I feel the same but I only end up making it worse or even end up being the one to hurt her most? I don't think I could take it if she glared at me with those usually soft blue eyes she had or if she decided to cut all ties and never speak to me again. How would I go on with myself if I was to lose her forever?

Just then the doors opened on the train and It was like I was snapped out of time, the sudden stop had also awakened Amai from where she was sleeping so soundly.

“Mmm…Are we there yet?” She said, sleepily rubbing her eyes.

“No, not yet. Just a little further actually, you can sleep some more if your tired Amai?” I told her, as I turned to look out the window at the passing trees outside.

“Mmm… no, I think I'm okay now. I hope I didn’t hurt your shoulder, Yuki?” She said, still half asleep.

“Are you kidding me? Your like as light as a feather, you couldn’t hurt me if you tried.” I teased, trying to maintain what little bit of normal we had left.

“I am not!” She shouted as she began to beat me up, hitting my left arm repeatedly as I said ow over and over again between the laughter. And just like that things finally felt like they were back to normal, but little did I know that spring would bring truths I wouldn’t have the strength to face alone.

Chapter One: New Revelations

School started back up again in the spring as the last of the snow melted from the crowded streets, I didn’t see much of Amai over the break as I was juggling my family’s little bakery business they ran every holiday in hopes of making some cash on the side for bills and memories to add to the endless wall of photos that threatened to bring the whole house down with its weight alone.

But that was okay for I was sure we would have some classes together in the new semester, seeing as how the seniors and juniors often did. But she didn’t show up to class, I later found out she didn’t even show up to school in general, so I decided to pay her a visit at home unannounced (not like I hadn’t before).

When school let out I headed straight to the B district where she lived adjacent to my house, along with me I had some notes from the teachers that I was sure she would appreciate. I rounded the corner of the street as I approached her house at last, but as I got closer I could hear the distinct sounds of screaming followed by a door being slammed as a car whizzed past me in a hurry.

I proceeded with caution, when I reached the front step I took a mental note of the disarray that things were in, the dishes had piled up and the trash was in the yard, the door was flung wide open as well. Signs that something wasn’t right, I pushed aside the bedroom door of Amai’s room, and that’s when I saw her mother hunched over her daughter's bed clutching at the sheets.

“Mrs. Spiers?” I asked as I entered the room, she just slightly turned to see who it was and then went back to what she had been doing when I walked in.

I sat my bag down beside me as I plopped onto the floor beside her, “What’s the matter, Mrs. Spiers? Where's Amai at?” I asked, looking around the room.

She turned to look at me, her eyes were swollen red, signs she had been crying for a while.

“Y-Yuki?” She said, her voice cracking a bit.

I grabbed her hand as I said, “Yes Ma’am? I’m here, so you can tell me what's wrong.” I offered as reassurance, this only got her to start crying again as she clasped her arms around my neck, as I patted her back for some sort of comfort.

“It's awful Yuki..” She said through bated breath and ugly sobs, as she tried to pull herself together.

“A-Amai… S-She’s..” her breath started to shorten as she had been exhausted with grief.

“What happened Mrs.Spiers? Is Amai alright?” I said, fighting back my own tears as I expected the worst of news.

“S-She..Got hit b-by… a car..” After those words had left her lips I felt my whole world begin to crash all around me, everything else seemed so small and insignificant even the words she said after that had fallen on deaf ears as the shock began to rise inside of me.

I went home that night, the notes grasped in my hand, my shirt all wrinkled where Mrs.Spiers had been crying as she grasped my shoulder. I walked past my family towards my room without so much as a word between my lips to them and flopped down on my bed, the strength to go on dangling by a single thread.

I didn’t leave my room for a week after that, I barely even showed up to eat dinner, the feeling of hunger abandoning me, this made them grow worried as there was nothing to fill the emptiness inside of me. Amai Spiers had in fact been hit by a car on the way to school that morning and was rushed to the medical hospital, she was then put into a medically induced coma as she fought for her life on that cold hospital bed all alone.

The doctors say she was fortunate to have been rushed in when she was, a second later and she would have been gone, they did emergency surgery on her to stop the bleeding and got her into stable conditions but for her to heal they had to make a tough choice and put her into a coma. They told us the following morning that she may never wake up again and if she does by some miracle that she would probably have no memory of us.

I stayed behind when everyone else left, the tears staining their swollen eyes as they walked through the double-sliding hospital doors. She was battered and bruised, with hoses going in and out of her nose and mouth, her once delicate hands were now plagued with cuts and bruises of different sizes and shapes.

I stroked the cuts on her hand gently before lacing my fingers through hers, they had grown colder and paler since I had last held them like this, as if she was already gone. She lay there lifeless as she took shallow breaths with the help of a machine.

I felt the hotness of a tear slip down my cheek. Before I knew it they started to pour like a flood gate that had been broken, I tried my best to stop them but it was no use, without ever telling her that I felt the same I had stalled too long. Now I may never get the chance to tell her that I wouldn’t mind spending the rest of my tomorrows with her and that I love to see her smile and I just love her.

The nurse later came in and told me visitation hours were over and that I needed to go home, so I packed up my stuff and then left a single rose by her bedside as I knew they were her favorite along with a get-well-soon card that I knew she would never get to read.

I stopped and turned to take in one more look at her, the pain in my chest growing tighter at the sight, without a word between us I left, the fear of losing her starting to become a reality before my eyes and I just wished I could wake up from this horrible nightmare and see her smile one more time.

To hear her laugh, to listen to her ramble on about some new song she had fallen in love with, to just be able to hold her in my arms and keep her safe. How I wished so much that I could tell her I love her too and then get swept up in the moment as I wrap my arms around her and lean into a kiss, one that's deeper and longer than the last that tells her I’m not going anywhere that tells her she’s mine and I am hers. 

But that was a hopeless thought I realized as she lay there cold and stiff without a sign of movement.