Behind Closed Doors

This story explores the topic of coercive control.

Nayla hesitated at the door, wondering if he was asleep and if she should wake him. She took a deep breath and poked her head into the dim bedroom, stuffy with night-long breath.

‘Jimmy and I are just off to the Franklins to pick up Ben,’ she said. ‘I’ve done scrambled eggs this morning, I didn’t have time for bacon. I’ve left yours in the warmer.’

‘You’ve what? I don’t believe this!’

‘I’ve got to be there by nine, they’ve got the builders starting then. I just didn’t have time, surely it doesn’t matter for once?’

‘We always have bacon and eggs on Saturday morning! I look forward to it, I go to work all week and you can’t even do that?’

‘But you knew I had to pick Ben up by nine.’

‘I did not know.’ His voice low, menacing.

‘But I told you. Didn’t I?’ She had told him, because she had to ask if it was ok to have Ben for the day. She always had to ask. He didn’t like her to organise anything without asking him first, in case he had plans to do something else at the same time. She sometimes wondered if everyone did this, or if it was only her. She used to be good at making decisions. Before Ben was born, she managed the whole team of mechanics and office staff at the garage, but now she couldn’t decide on the simplest thing-like what to cook for breakfast- without getting it wrong.

‘You told me about Ben coming, but not the time. I never get the full story, do I?’

Oh no, Nayla thought, I’ve done it again. I really didn’t think. What is wrong with me?

                                                           * * *

When Nayla got back with the boys (she had stayed for a coffee with her new friend) the house reeked of fried bacon, and the scrambled eggs and soggy toast congealed on the bench. Gideon was finishing his breakfast. Bacon and eggs. He marched into the kitchen and slammed his greasy plate down next to the rejected one. The frying pan sat on the stove, slick with still-liquid bacon fat and crusted with crisp brown remnants of egg white. A greasy trail ran across the stove top.

While Nayla filled the sink with hot suds, Gideon muttered his way out of the house and joined the boys on the lawn. Soon a noisy game of cricket was under way. Gideon repeatedly miffed his strike with the bat, or lunged unsuccessfully for catches, letting the ball slip past his outstretched hands. The boys roared with excitement, faces flushed with every small success. Jane watched smiling. He was so good at this! She couldn’t get the hang of deliberately losing. He would mouth ‘let him win’ when they had a game of cards because otherwise she forgot, and played to win. Even against a small child, her own son! What was wrong with her?

“Great game,’ she said as they trooped up the veranda stairs. Jimmy chattered excitedly and she tried to catch Gideon’s eye to share a smile, but his mouth was a thin line, and his eyes were out of reach. Her heart sank. He wasn’t talking. How long would it be this time? He was chatty with the boys, though. At dinner he asked them ‘What was the best thing about your day?’, as usual, and when he didn’t ask her, she said hers anyway. ‘My best thing was seeing what good cricket players Jimmy and Ben are! Dad couldn’t get you out!’ It was blatant brown-nosing, but he didn’t seem to notice.

A funny thing happened before Gina Franklin came to collect Ben. She called just before eight. ‘I’m going to be a little late. I know I told Gideon eight, but the builders are only just finishing up now. I won’t be long.’

‘That’s fine Gina. I didn’t know you had talked to Gideon.’

‘He rang at lunchtime to ask about Ben’s lactose intolerance. We had a great chat! You’re so lucky Gina, he’s a great guy. It must be nice to live with someone so laid back.’

Laid back, Gideon? Not the words I’d use, Nayla thought. And why did he want to know about Ben? Nayla had already organised dairy free food and snacks for him. She'd got that right, at least.

She'd spent the day trying to hide the tension in the air, and by the time Gina and Ben had gone she was exhausted. Ben and Jimmy wouldn’t have noticed anything wrong, she was sure, even though Gideon hadn’t spoken to her all day. He was charming to Gina when she arrived, and she wouldn’t have suspected anything either. She put Jimmy to bed and slid between the sheets herself soon after, still without a word from Gideon.

* * *

Nayla was fast asleep. She didn’t hear Gideon get into bed, but she woke to the awareness of movement as he fidgeted beside her. Then he started speaking in a flat, monotonous voice, reciting a litany of her failings. ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with you. You really have a problem. Don’t you know the Franklins are dipsticks anyway? They’re not even worth your time. But you care more about impressing some acquaintance than your own family!'

‘Sorry, I had agreed to pick Ben up at nine, that’s when they needed him to be out of the way. I didn’t think about breakfast when we organised it.’

‘Oh, you didn’t think! That’s always the way, isn’t it? You just don't think!’ The sneer was audible in his voice. ‘It’s just you, you, you and what you want all the time.’

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t realise it would matter that much.’

‘You always do this. You’re just like your mother. Don’t you think I would like some consideration sometimes? After all I do for you?’

Silence, and Nayla wondered briefly if that would be it, and she could go back to sleep, and everything would be forgotten in the morning, She was so tired! If only she could sleep...

‘Is there something you’ve forgotten to tell me?’

Almost drifting off, Nayla startled fully awake again. ‘What? About what? No, I don’t think so.’

‘Gina rang today to tell me you got a speeding ticket on the way over there. For God’s sake Nayla! With Jimmy in the car! What’s the matter with you?’

‘It just happened; the car is so smooth. I didn’t notice the speed creep up on that downhill bit before their turnoff. I wasn’t even going that fast. You drive down there faster than that.’

‘Oh right, so it was my fault. Of course, I should have known that.' In his mocking voice. 'And when were you going to tell me about it? You must have known I was going to find out. How can you be so irresponsible? Speeding! Do you want to have a crash? Are you going to make me take the keys off you?’

‘I’m sorry Gideon, I'll be really careful from now on. It won’t happen again.’ None of this made any sense. She had thought she and Gina were on the way to becoming good friends. It seemed she had misread the signals again. She was always doing that. And didn’t Gina say it was Gideon who had rung her? Why would she make that up? ‘She really rang to tell you that? Why?’

‘She thinks you’re losing it, that maybe you’re not fit to look after the children unsupervised. I’m inclined to think she might be right. At least someone knows how to act responsibly.’ His voice got louder. ‘Honestly, I try so hard.. I let you do everything you want, I buy you flowers, take you on holidays, and all you do is let me down.’

Nayla was silent, fighting back tears. ‘So now you’re going to overreact as usual and turn on the tears? Try to make me feel guilty when it’s all your fault? It’s not going to work, Nayla, I’m wise to that. You never think of me, only yourself. When do you ever show me that I’m appreciated? What am I supposed to do? You don't even act like you care about our marriage. Isn't it supposed to be a partnership?’

‘Of course, I care. I am trying, I really am. I want us to be happy.’

‘I want to believe you. I think you need help, so you can learn how to make it work. I’ve asked you to come to couple’s counselling before and you always say no. This time, I’m going to put my foot down. I’m going to ring in the morning and make an appointment.’

Nayla had always resisted the idea of counselling. The thought of a stranger hearing the details of what went on in their marriage made her blush with shame. Couldn’t they work things out if they just talked to each other? Apparently not. She had no choice but to give in. ‘Ok, I’ll go,’ she said.

‘Good.’ His voice became more natural, light-hearted. ‘Now you might want to think of a way of making it up to me.’

That meant the fight was finished. The relief washed over her, like the soothing water of a hot shower. Just one thing to do now, and Gideon would be satisfied, and she could sleep.

‘Come here, you,’ she said, and took him in her arms.

                                                          * * *

‘Hello Gideon, Nayla. I’m Sheila.’ She was an impressive sight, cheerfully arrayed in bright florals. Spiky earrings brushed the tops of her shoulders, and jiggled constantly as she moved her head. ‘Make yourselves comfortable,' she said. Gideon and Nayla seated themselves in squashy armchairs facing Sheila’s desk. ‘Now, who would like to start?’

Nayla stared at the carpet and after a pause Gideon started speaking. ‘Nayla wanted me to come with her today, to help her to work out what is going wrong.’ Nayla glanced up quickly once but then returned her gaze to the carpet.

‘I think Nayla needs to tell me herself,’ said Sheila, and waited.

‘Nayla is having trouble…’

Sheila held up a hand and Gideon stopped speaking.

‘Nayla?’

‘Well…I always seem to say the wrong thing, and I upset Gideon, but I don’t mean to,’ she began in a tiny voice.

‘What things do you say that upset Gideon?’

‘Overreacting to things he says. Blaming him for stuff, when it’s really my fault.’

‘Ok,’ said Sheila, ‘what sort of stuff do you blame him for?’

‘I don’t know, really…’

‘She blames me for everything,’ said Gideon.

‘What does Gideon do that upsets you, Nayla?’ Sheila asked next.

‘He wants me to always do things his way, and if I don’t, he gets really angry.’ Her voice was stronger now.

'I'm doing it for her own good. I’m just trying to help her,’ said Gideon, ‘but she hates being helped.’

Sheila pulled a file from a desk drawer and opened it. ‘I’m going to ask some questions, Nayla, and you can just answer yes or no, ok?’ Nayla nodded.

‘Do you have difficulty trusting your own decisions?’

‘Yes.’

‘Do you sometimes wonder if your emotions are appropriate?’

‘Yes.’

‘Do you feel like you are too sensitive at times?’

‘Yes.’

Nayla lifted her head. Her eyes had grown wide, and she stared at Sheila’s face. The questions kept coming.

‘Do you sometimes believe you are crazy or that there’s something wrong with you?’

‘Do you ever experience brain fog or memory problems?’

‘Do you feel isolated from friends or family?’

‘Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells?’

‘Do you feel guilty or responsible for the problems in the relationship?’

‘Yes, yes… ' was the response to each question. ‘Oh my god, yes. How do you know?’ she whispered.

‘Do you feel these things only when around Gideon, and not around other people?’

Nayla looked at Gideon then. It was he who stared at the carpet now. ‘Yes,’ she said.

Sheila switched on an overhead projector and laid down the acetate she had been reading from. The list of questions appeared in giant letters on a screen behind her desk. At the top of the list was the heading, in bold type ‘Common Signs of Gaslighting’.

‘Have either of you heard of Gaslighting?’

‘No,’ said Nayla, and looked again at Gideon. He raised his head. His face had no expression. ‘No,' he said. 'What is that?'

‘Gaslighting is when one person uses various means to weaken and control another person, by making them doubt their own sanity and ability to function,’ said Sheila, sounding a bit like a textbook. ‘Gaslighting is extremely damaging to the victim’s mental health. It occurs over an extended period of time and the victim is usually unaware of what is being done to them. Gaslighters themselves may also be unaware of what they are doing, especially if it is a learned behaviour from childhood.’ She directed her attention to Gideon now. ‘Gideon, look at these questions. Imagine yourself as a child, if you can. Would you have answered yes to them at that time?’

‘Yes, I think so,’ answered Gideon slowly, 'most of them.'

‘And for the last question, would you have answered yes to feeling this way only around your parents?’

‘Around my mother, yes.’

‘I’m very sorry for you both. It is devastating for you, Nayla, and it will be a very difficult thing for Gideon to accept. I can offer both of you help, however, if you are willing to have it.'

At first, Nayla felt only shame and guilt. She had done this to Gideon. She was responsible for his mortification and pain. Then gradually, as understanding grew, something in her head began to sing. Oh my god, it’s not my fault. None of it was ever my fault. ‘Thank you, Sheila, thank you. I would love your help.' Healing tears streamed down Nayla's cheeks.

As for Gideon? Neither of them could guess what his decision would be.