No Words, No Tears.

"It's been what? Fifteen years. Yeah."

"What is or was? I no too sabi this English thing."

"What made me me."

"Ahhh. This one you're making sense of today. What happened Kay?"

"I never talked about my twin right?"

"Yeah. I didn't want to probe. It was like you wanted the past to remain where it was. Although, I did want to know." Mide says a bit thoughtful.

"Well... Here we go."

"I'm the different one in the family. (Some people may replace the different with ugly if you get the gist.)"

Mide knows better than to interrupt but he still does.

"What! Mide screams. You've got to be kidding me. Or did you do plastic surgery and I'm not aware? How can you look like this and you say you are ugly? I can't believe you. Let me see pictures."

"Nah. I didn't do plastic surgery. But here's a picture of us all."

"If that's the case, then your family must be fine. Like superb. Spec. That kinda thing."

I show him a picture that never left me and for a moment he is stunned into silence. He just stares at me then back at the picture. His mouth agape with shock. "Your family is beautiful. At this point, I think I know what beauty is". He says.

I blush. But continue. "So, everyone had light. They were so fair. They even had strands of brown hair scattered around. And I was like this. Their hair was a crown. Mine was more like a comedy. They took me for a joke. I mean a joke. There were several jokes. But, I could not forget one, it said, we know God doesn't make a mistake, but when we see you, we doubt that. Everyone always laughed. And the joke never lost its humor.

Tai was the sun and I was just a reflection of him. The moon. The closer I was to him, the more I shone but I still could not be as bright as he was. The farther, he went from me, the less I shone. 

Just like the sun, everyone loved Tai. He was like warmth. Shining. Even jollof rice could not compete with him. He was loved. He was smart. And you already know he's a head-turner. He was approached by several modeling agencies but he turned them down. He said he wanted to be Doctor. He was so ambitious. I hadn't figured a thing about how my life would go. He was just perfect. He could run so well, when he ran, you would feel his breeze past you. 

When we were fifteen, we had a small birthday party. More like Tai had a birthday party. After the party, Tai said he had a headache. Mum gave him painkillers. And just as he was about to put the water in his mouth, he fell Mum screamed. Everyone rushed down. It was so scary. Tai never fell ill. If we had known there were scarier things ahead, we would have prepared our hearts. But no. He was going to be a doctor and everyone held on to that. 

Tests were run on him and we waited. We were asked to go home but we just couldn't. We waited. The tests results came out and mum and dad were called into the Doctor's office. 

When they got out, mum couldn't look up and we knew something was wrong. Dad was still cool. He was cool in the storm kind of man. Keeping it all together till it fell away. He said it was fine but Tai would not be coming home with us that night. 

After much persuasion, we agreed to go home but it was obvious that the sun was absent on our planet. 

Tai kept his cool. He knew he had cancer. He knew he was close to the end of his life. He knew he couldn't be a doctor anymore but he still kept his light on. He was fighting cancer armed with a smile. 

When I found out, I became numb and dumb. I couldn't feel. I couldn't speak. I forgot how to. I just didn't how I was living all before then. The only word that kept on spinning in my head was cancer. It was ironic. He wanted to be a doctor but now, he would need several.

Days passed in a blur and when the pain could no longer be masked, when his hair was gone and his face looked gaunt, Tai began to crack. It wasn't as quick as an egg. It was a slow and painful cracking. He couldn't keep up with the bits of himself that were lost. As each hair fell, so did his spirit drop till nothing was left of him. He and I now shared the same feeling. We were united in our numbness and dumbness. No one could make us speak. Not even ourselves. 

It was this time that I turned to self-harm. Blades, hot iron, fire were used. I enjoyed the only sensation I could feel. 

One day, no one knew why but Tai talked. He emptied his empty soul. And I received the only piece left of him. The next day, he died.

He knew. He knew he was going to die so he left a piece of himself as a legacy in my heart. When I heard, I screamed or maybe howled. It was an ear-splitting sound that only meant pain. I tore at myself. I grabbed my hair, intending to pull it off. I couldn't do much more because I was sedated. 

When I came to be, I wept and wept. I did all types of crying. Loud. Silent. Tears only. The sound only. Whichever way. The numbness had left and the feelings that had been accumulated needed an escape.

Seeing my state, mum and dad decided to take me to my aunt. I was always happy in her presence. She hated the jokes made about me. Affirmed me. Loved me. 

She's who I call Mum. She nursed me to full emotional health. I became the crazy happy person that I am. So unlike then when I had no words and no tears, I now have words. A lot of them. And as for the tears, I've become an expert in shedding tears in public without being seen.

So, Mide that's what made me me."

"Wow. Wow. You went through all that? I'm so sorry"

"No, need to be sorry" I said.

He gave me a hug and when I looked at his face, I saw tears in his eye. Tears for me.