A Friendship Rebound by Letters

Note: the storyline is nonfiction. The ending, where Ver and Cassia remain friends - and Ver’s explanation, is not completely true, but it is in progress (I’m not sure if Ver’s excuse is true, I honestly have no idea). They did not write letters to each other in real life, and the names are fiction. As you may have guessed, Cassia is me and if you read my bio, Ver is my chess and writing friend.

Ver,

   Whenever you smiled at me it made me love you more. But now, when you smile at me it feels like a smirk. And it makes my heart shatter. When I found out that you liked me, I didn’t have a crush on you then. So I tried to have a crush on you, for you and me. I must have tried too hard because a couple of days later I would have done anything for you. I would have died for you. I had no idea when your love for me began to fade; I still liked you more than ever. I asked you out without remembering that this could ruin our friendship: a mistake. You remember me asking, don’t you? You said yes, that’s not something to forget easily.

   I had always been insecure about our relationship since the first day I knew. I really liked you and when it seemed like you were flirting with my other friend, Emma, I worried.

   A few days after I asked you out, to be my boyfriend, we and some other friends were at a forest. I couldn’t look at you; I was too embarrassed and worried. I’m glad I didn’t trust your word completely after what happened to us. I had told my closest friends about you saying yes to me. The same friends (and a few) who were there. I was a bit annoyed that you were hanging out more with Emma than me. Or anyone else.

   A friend of mine, Eliza, who didn’t know about me and you, was helping me make a dam out of sticks and mud in the small creek that ran through the woods. You and everyone else were sitting on a log, laughing and talking.

   And Emma had to bring it up. I guess it was for the best. Me and you, Ver, was obviously not a thing in your eyes, or maybe you were just a liar - or both.

   “Aren’t you guys dating?” She had said, smiling. I felt myself blush.

   “No,” you replied to her.

   It’s funny how one word can change someone’s year, decade, maybe even life. I don’t know about you, but I will never forget that day, or you, even though I wish I could.

   I don’t remember what I did when you said that. I don’t think I said anything. Maybe I laughed; dryly.

   Why did you do it, Ver? How could you change me like that? What did I do to deserve it? Were you nervous or embarrassed, because that I might forgive you for. But if you did it because you didn’t have a crush on me anymore and you wanted to forget, I will never forgive you.

   There is evidence for both. The first: a couple days after that incident, you were quite rude to me when, at our grade’s running club, when the club was playing capture the flag afterwards, you referred to me as “that girl holding the flag” to your sister. I didn’t see it as rude then, because maybe he couldn’t see me that well, but looking back on it, he might have been hurt when I (and I forgot to mention this) texted that I didn’t have a crush on him. So he might not have been able to see past his big ego.

   The evidence for the second choice is, keeping in mind the rudeness from the first evidence and also the fact that you said we weren’t going out when you said very clearly to me yes… well, that tells me you’re that kind of guy. Which surprises me. It’s like you have two personalities, where one is this heartbreaker and the other is kind.

Cassia

Cassia,

   I don’t know what to say. I… I don’t know. The best I can do is explain, and it’s up to you whether you want to forgive me or not.

   When I said yes to you, I didn’t have a crush on you anymore. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you, but I guess it’s just worse in the long term now.

   When I told Emma we weren’t dating, I thought you would understand. So when I got that text from you saying you didn’t have a crush on me anymore, I was happy but hurt at the same time. It got the sense that your words were bitter rather than just matter-of-a-fact, which told me you didn’t understand. And that hurt. We were friends, and I thought you knew me more than you do. To make matters worse, you weren’t the only one who had emotionally hurt me. I had also hurt myself in an indirect way - by hurting you.

   I still don’t like you the way you like me, but my wish is that we can still be friends and that you’ll accept my apology.

Ver

Ver, 

   Thank you. That’s all I can say: thank you. I feel like my heart is being rebuilt, piece by piece, even if the progress is slow. Ver, you just earned a permanent place there - in my heart. Even if I have changed a lot because of it, I’m  glad you came into my life. It may be a good thing that you did; I have learned so much about myself.

   I hope I am still worthy as a chess opponent for you.

Cassia

Cassia,

   Speaking to the last part of your last letter, you are worthy and you will always be. You are the one out of all our friends who play chess who has beaten me the most. So long as it stays that way, and even if it doesn’t, you’ll be worthy. To the beginning of your last letter, I would like to reply this way: thank you, Cassia Savage. I will remember you for as long as I can.

Ver