Futurerama

Dear Future Self:

It’s me Journey. I am sitting here in the present looking out of my living room window at the blanket of black crows which have gathered on my front lawn. They are making noise talking to each other and eating my seeds I put on the lawn so the lawn would grow. I knew that was a mistake as soon as I looked out of the window this morning. But, nonetheless, there they are and here I am. 

I wish that sometimes I had a crystal ball. I would look into it from time to time to see what the future held and if I didn’t like it I would try to change it. If only. The crows remind me of you. They remind me of the future without you. When I imagined my future when I was a child you were always there. I know that every child wants their parents to live forever and I damn sure wanted you to live forever. When I got older I knew that was not a possibility. I learned that every living thing must die. But, I didn’t think that you would die so young. I thought that the future would bring me many years with you. I was looking forward to you being by my side for at least 80 years. Yes, I know that was unrealistic, me being 80 and you still there being 125 but heck, that was my hope at 11 years old. 

My future self wanted you to see me having kids, graduating from the 8th grade and later high school and college. You would miss all of that. I know that people have told me that you are there in spirit but that is not the same as in person. I am glad that there is a possibility of you watching over me in the afterlife but I miss you in the present life and the future life. 

When I see myself in the future I see an old woman with graying hair sitting on the porch on a hot summer’s day, well, as hot as it gets in my part of the world, which on a good day is 80. I see her sitting there in a lounge chair with a big pillow underneath her bottom, reclined, legs crossed and looking out over her extensive yard and thinking. I am thinking about my life. I am thinking about a life well lived. I am thinking about all the things I did that you, Dad, never got to do. 

My gray hair is from the times I worried about my son when he was out of the house, hanging with his friends, going to school and later when he got married and had his own kids. Of course, aging gave me gray too but I would rather blame it on him. It keeps life interesting. The wrinkles near my mouth are my smile wrinkles. The kind you get when you laugh so hard that your belly hurts and you just can’t stop laughing. The laugh that starts with one person and soon finds its way to everyone in the room. I don’t want to see any frown lines. I don’t want to have frowned much in my life. Not that I am naive and think that sadness will not come in the future. I know it will and probably does. But, I want that to be far and few in between. 

I see my old car in the driveway. The one that I took many road trips with. I see my best friend, Gill in the front seat beside me telling me stories that I have heard a million times before but still smile and pretend I have not heard them all before. I will laugh at her jokes and she will laugh at mine. We’ll stop along the way at the mini market in some part of town that neither of us have been to and we will joke about the prices of the junk food we have filled our arms with. We will get gas and I will pump the gas because Gill has no clue on how to do it. She will say, “Girl, you know I don’t know how to pump gas. Henry always does that. You know that is his job.” 

I will laugh and so will she.  We will hop back in the car and continue our drive to nowhere in particular. 

The future will see more road trips with Gill and my son.  Of course, I will have to take him fishing or to the docks. He loves boats. Maybe he will even own one in his future. I know that my future will not consist of swimming in anyone’s ocean. I have seen the movie Jaws and would not like to run into a white shark or any shark. Yes, in the future I plan to spend more time watching nature shows so I know what lives in those waters. My future self will be a little scared of ocean creatures. In the future when I go to the beach my feet will be planted firmly on the sand away from the ocean. Thank goodness sharks don’t come on land. 

So, future self, when I think of my future I also see a lot of sunsets in the future. I see myself looking at sunsets from all over the world, except in the ocean. I will look at all the colors and be amazed at the beauty of the sunsets. I will  think of all the people who never got to see the sunset that day. The ones who saw the sun rise but passed before it set. I will be grateful that I have the beautiful opportunity to still be here, in my 90’s. Did I mention that I hope my future self lives to be at least 99. God if you are listening make it happen.  

My future self is going to learn how to play the guitar. I want to just rock out in the garage. Play so loudly the neighbors either complain or join in. I guess my future will be a little loud too. In the future I will have also learned not to trust a lot of people. The past and present has taught me that for the future. 

Well, future self. Of course I don’t know what the future has in store for me or anyone really but I am hoping that I have learned from all my past mistakes and I am going into the next phase of my life full speed ahead. I know that I plan to walk into the future with nothing but love and happiness around me. I want to be surrounded with love and I definitely will be staying away from sharks, sharks of all kinds.