A Rabbit

      It was a dark cold night. At least it was dark by the time we arrived. The building was tall and white. It was very frightening. There were people everywhere and so many white coats I could not count them all. There were even kids a few years older than me wearing candy cane striped clothes. I would like to wear one of those dresses but not here. This is the place where the sirens and the sick people go. Why were we here? I wasn’t quite sure. My aunt and grandmother said my mother was here.

           It had been a few months since I’d seen my mother. She sent me to live with my grandparents. I’d been sick and she couldn’t take care of me. My skin was itchy and blotchy. I was hot sometimes and then I was cold. My grandmother made me take baths with medicine in it and I had to use this awful smelling lotion. They said I was contagious. That means other kids could get sick because of me. They were right because my cousin got sick too. She’s younger than me and liked the medications even worse than I. When I was sick, I didn’t have to go to this place; I stayed at my grandparent’s house. You must be very sick to end up here.

           I remember when my mom stopped taking care of me. My dad tried to style my hair. I didn’t want him to because I knew it would look bad. I was right. The neighbor came over and styled my hair for my dad. It looked much better but she couldn’t come over every day. She would sit and talk with mom for a while before going home. Now that I think of it, mom wasn’t very playful then. After that, my parents sent me away. It felt like a vacation in the middle of the year. I was to live with my grandparents and I would be able to see my cousin every day. She was happy about it too until I made her sick. My grandmother said we had Chicken Pox. I hope it wasn’t from eating chicken because I really like chicken.

           My aunt said the doctors wouldn’t let us visit sooner because I was contagious. But I thought only kids could get what I had. Not one of the adults who took care of my cousin and I got sick. I was confused but I didn’t ask any questions. It wasn’t polite to question adults when they’re handling grown folks business. So I kept my questions to myself and waited. But I listened to what the adults were saying in hopes I could figure out why we were really here.

           We sat in a hallway and waited a long time. I don’t know why they told us we could come to visit my mom and then they make us wait. The chairs were brown, uncomfortable, and stiff. I couldn’t curl up like I wanted to. I was also wearing my favorite orange dress and matching shoes. It always cheered up my mom when I was happy. She would need cheering up if she’d been staying in this place. Even the lights were a funny-sad shade. They weren’t too bright but they were a little dull. If you ask me the lights were sick too. I overheard some of the adults talking about my mom. They said it was time and not long now. I didn’t know what they were talking about. I tried to figure it out but I fell asleep before I could.

I was awakened by a girl in one of those candy cane dresses. She gave me a soda and said we could follow her. My grandparents were smiling now. I thought that was interesting since before I saw them huddled up and whispering words I couldn’t hear. We go to church every Sunday so I know when someone’s praying. I figured they were praying for my mom. I said a silent prayer as well. I guess God heard our prayers and that’s why everyone was smiling.

 “What’s going on,” I asked?

“You’ll see,” my aunt said.

I shook my head still not understanding but I followed the girl anyway. We walked down a hallway. There were tables on wheels and large windows. I couldn’t see through the windows but the adults made happy noises as we went by. They would point and laugh. My grandmother started crying but they were tears of joy. We hadn’t even seen my mom yet.

“Why do you wear candy cane striped dresses,” I asked the girl taking us to my mom.

“I volunteer here in the hospital in the neonatal ward. The candy-striped dress is my uniform,” the girl said.

“Neonatal means she works with the babies”, my aunt clarified.

I nodded my understanding. I had wondered what that word meant but I still wasn’t quite sure what it had to do with my mom.

“Excuse me,” my cousin asked the girl, “what’s your name?”

“Jodie”, she smiled.

“Well, thank you Jodie for the sodas and for cheering everyone up”, my cousin said.

I nodded to my cousin and she nodded back. We had our own code for speaking with each other. Jodie was older than us but not as old as the adults. So we needed to figure out her standing if we would be able to talk with her without getting into trouble and making things worse. My question was to break the ice to see if she would be polite and kind. I thought she would be since she brought us the sodas but that could have been an onetime act. So I asked her my question. My cousin’s question and comment were to show her that we were good kids and we knew our manners. Since she responded in kind to both of us and the adults did not intervene negatively, we knew it would be okay to continue questioning her.

“Jodie, do you know why everyone was sad earlier,” I asked.

“Yes,” she replied, “They were worried about your mom. You look just like her do you know that?”

I knew she was trying to distract me with a compliment. I did that whenever I didn’t want my cousin to tattle tale. But I still responded with a smile. “Yes, everyone says we look alike. But why were they worried about her?

“Uh um”, my aunt cleared her throat and gave me a stern look.

“Thank you,” I said, “for the compliment.” My aunt nodded once acknowledging that I had fixed my error. But now she would be looking for more things to correct me. So I gave my cousin a pleading look begging her with my eyes to take over the conversation.

“Jodie, no one’s worried about her now”, my cousin said.

“You’re right and that’s because she’s feeling much better,” Jodie said.

I rolled my eyes at the wall. Hoping my cousin wouldn’t see. When I wanted her to take over I meant for her to ask good questions not restate what I’d already said. There was so much hard work involved in teaching the younger ones. Sometimes I think she gets it and other times I feel like I’m wasting my breath.

“The baby’s heart stopped working and we had to do surgery in order to save them. It was risky since your aunt was sick but no worries, the doctors said they can go home soon”, Jodie added before I could ask my question which would have broken one of my rules. It was probably the hardest rule for my cousin to remember: don’t speak too soon after being corrected by an adult. Just like when a squirrel escapes from an owl. It cowers and hides until it’s sure the danger has passed, it doesn’t jump back in the grass to tease the owl.

I really like animals and football. I wish I could have a pet. I’ve always wanted one; something that was just for me that I could love and cuddle and take care of. But mom and dad said no. So I wait until they change their minds. I hope I don’t have to wait forever. Another love of mine is to sit and watch football with my dad at night. I’d cuddle in his lap and eat ice cream when it’s passed my bedtime. Football is amazing. I missed doing things with my mom and dad although I do like living with my grandparents. If given the choice I’d go home so things could go back to the way they were.

I smiled at hearing my mom could home because that meant I could too. I missed her so much and would be glad to spend more time with her. I couldn’t wait. Another of my favorite things was riding in the car when it was just my mom and me. We would talk and talk about any and everything. It was our girl time but more importantly, it was our mother-daughter time and I cherished it. Jodie had mentioned a baby and I hoped it wouldn’t take away everything I loved.

We followed Jodie through swinging doors and into a small room. The adults rushed ahead of us in their excitement. My cousin, Jodie, and I stood back so we weren’t in the way. Then my aunt and grandparents told us to come closer. I walked towards them slowly, my cousin close on my heels. I preferred it that way so I could protect her if I needed to. The adults were acting strange and I didn’t know why. We crossed the curtain that was dividing the room in two and behind it, I saw my mom.

She looked like she had been sick which would explain why she was in this place. She was wearing one of those ugly gowns that I’d seen other sick people wearing. Her eyes were puffy like she had been crying and her hair was braided back. She never wore her hair in braids. Jodie lied. Right now my mom and I did not look alike. Then I noticed the little thing she had lying in her arms. She looked down at it and smiled. Those arms held me and that was the smile she’d always given me. Was she going to replace me with the new baby?

“Can I hold him,” my cousin asked.

My mouth dropped with her betrayal. I’m not sure when she left my side but there she was standing on a chair gazing down at the bundle. How could she? Everyone was being blinded by its cuteness. Not me.

“No,” Grandmother said.

“When you’re older, then you can”, her mom said. “Little girl,” my aunt said turning to me. “What do you think of your little brother?”

“He’s really small,” I said with a fake smile. The smile must have worked because everyone started laughing. The truth; however, I really wanted to cry but I wouldn’t dare cry in front of them in their happiness. Then they would yell at me and say that I had ruined the day and I was being selfish. Yes! I was being selfish. I walked backwards to the curtain and rubbed my arm across my face. I pretended to yawn so I could turn away. I saw the candy cane striped dress out of the corner of my eye

“I know how you feel,” Jodie said. She put her hands on my shoulders and turned me around, then got on her knees and looked me in the eye. “My mom had a baby when I wasn’t much older than you. The worst part was she brought home two.”

“What am I going to do, Jodie,” I asked.

“Well, how about I take the baby home for you.” She asked.

“But my mom likes it,” I said

“Then I can give you something in exchange that she will like too”, Jodie responded.

My face lit up in a genuine smile. Jodie would make all my problems go away. “What would you give me”, I asked?

“How about a turtle”, she asked?

I shook my head. I couldn’t cuddle with a turtle or teach it any tricks.

“How about a hermit crab”, she asked?

I shook my head. They hide in their shell and they look creepy.

“How about a puppy or a kitten”, she asked?

My smile grew bigger and I was going to agree but I knew my mom wouldn’t want a puppy or a kitten. She’d said so in the past. So although I knew I really wanted one, I knew I had to say no. Reluctantly I shook my head, “My mom wouldn’t want one of those”, I told Jodie.

“Well, there’s only one more thing I could offer you. How about a rabbit”, she asked?

It was perfect. They were small and slept in a cage but they didn’t have too. I could cuddle with it and teach it tricks. But best of all, my mom would like it. Why, wouldn’t she? She’d never said no to a rabbit before. Of course, I’d never asked for one but that was okay. I nodded and agreed, “A rabbit.”

“Awesome, I’ll go get your rabbit and I’ll take your baby brother home with me.” Jodie stood up and went to leave.

I was so excited but then Jodie stopped. I followed her gaze as she looked back at the baby. I refused to look back at the baby.

“One thing I remember when my mom brought home my baby sisters,” Jodie said, “is that they were so small just like your baby brother and they didn’t have anyone to look after them.” Jodie sighed and turned to leave.

I told myself not to say anything. Just let her get the rabbit but I needed to know. “What did you do?”

Jodie smiled and kneeled down so we were eye to eye. “I was their big sister. I did what I had to do. I looked out for them. It was just my parents and me – who else was going to do my job. It’s the job of the big sister to look out for and protect the younger ones.” She sighed again, “I don’t know who’s going to look after your brother when I take him away.” Jodie stood up and wiped her eye. “Let me go get your rabbit”, she said.

“Wait,” I whispered. “Your mom and dad still kept you even though they had two girls to replace you with?”

Jodie leaned down so she could whisper back in my ear, “That’s the best part about love, little girl, there’s so much to go around. No one ever gets replaced.” Then she pulled me in her arms and added, “You’ll be the best big sister in the world. You’re already the best big cousin.”

“Then I guess I’m not getting a rabbit,” I asked as she released me from her embrace.

“You can’t have both”, she said.

I shrugged. “Then, I’m not getting a rabbit.”

 “You can have a baby brother and a chocolate chip cookie,” Jodie smiled, “I’ll be right back”.

I watched Jodie walk out of the room and then I turned to look at my family. Jodie was right. Without me, who would teach the baby all of the adult rules? What to say, when to say it, and when not to. The adults called it respect. He would need me for that.

I looked at my cousin still standing in the chair admiring the baby my grandfather was holding now. She didn’t need me to protect her anymore. I’d taught her all that I knew. If I could teach her then I could do it again and we were so close because of it. Maybe she would help me with the baby. Yeah, she would. Together we’d look after him and keep him from getting into trouble. I guess I could share my dad and football, my mom, and her hugs, and maybe I’d share a little more.

I looked at my mom as my grandfather passed the baby back and she looked at me. I could tell she’d been sick and she would need my help with my baby brother. I walked closer and climbed on the bed next to them. He opened his eyes and looked at me. It would have been nice to have a rabbit but I think, and I’m sure that I’m right, having a baby brother will be a lot better. I’ll just wait and see.