No Longer Alone

Nina stared at the grey ceramic floor, the harsh fluorescent lights reflecting up into her eyes.

There were only two other people in the room with her, the receptionist, and a middle-aged woman with perfectly styled hair and pristine cherry red lip gloss. When Nina had arrived, the receptionist had asked for her name before clicking away on her keyboard, nodding to herself, and saying “Have a seat, the doctor will be with you shortly.”

The other woman was pretending Nina didn’t exist, evidently whatever was on her phone required her unwavering attention.

After a few minutes, a young couple came out of the door leading to the examination rooms. They were holding hands and smiling at each other. No one else existed for them but their partner, and evidently the child they were expecting. Watching them together caused a lump to form in Nina’s throat. Her own hands lay motionless in her lap, having nothing to hold onto.

To be fair, her mother had offered to come with her today, but Nina hadn’t wanted her to have to cancel her book club meeting for this.

As she returned her gaze to the floor, an image formed in her mind of a white plastic stick, two thin pink lines faint, but undeniable, shown in a small oval screen in the middle of the pregnancy test. She had felt that she would explode, that her body could not possibly contain the swell of emotion she felt when she saw those lines.

She had always expected she would have kids one day, but she had never put much thought into it, thinking it was something for the future Nina to embrace. If she was being totally honest with herself, she had never even properly considered whether she even wanted to have kids. But when the idea first hit her that she could be pregnant, she was suddenly thrust into the place of future Nina.

Whenever she had pictured herself with kids, she had always assumed there would be a partner there as her co-parent. She had been seeing Chris for a few months before she had gotten pregnant, not long enough for them to have ever talked about starting a family. What they had talked about was his plan to go back to university and get his Masters degree. If her thoughts of parenthood were rare, Chris’ were non-existent.

That was one of the reasons why she had avoided telling him that he was going to be a father.

 She remembered when they had first met at a mutual friend’s party. She had arrived late after a ten-hour shift at the office where she worked as a secretary. As she hurried in the door, she had opened it right smack into his face. Both of them had turned red, him from the impact of the door and her from mortification.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to, I didn’t see you there, I, but you really shouldn’t stand in front of a door like that.” She frantically tried to apologize.

Chris had inexplicably started laughing, a full hearty laugh. Nina had stared at him in confusion.

“I really am sorry. I hope you’re not hurt.”

“Oh no I’m fine, no worries.”

That was the first time he had smiled at her, and that was the first time that Nina determined that as much as it was in her power to do so, she would see that smile.

The next months had passed in the vibrancy of new love. They had spent every possible moment together figuring each other out, learning their likes and dislikes, and making memories.

All that had faded into the background when Nina began suspecting she might be pregnant. She has started distancing herself from Chris, every moment she spent with him full of stress and anxiety about what might be. Once she had confirmed that she was expecting, she had broken up with Chris over the phone. She told him that she felt they were moving onto separate paths and it would be best not to see each other anymore. She ignored his many calls and texts, and had even pretended she wasn't home once when he had shown up at her apartment. She had stopped going to any of the coffee shops or grocery stores her went to so that she wouldn’t run into him and be found out.

Of course she knew she would have to tell him eventually. He had a right to know that he had a child. But she didn’t want him to think that she expected anything from him. Basically, she had been scared to tell him, scared that he would be mad, or worst, regretful. She didn’t think she could bare it if he came to regret their relationship. And so she found herself six months pregnant, in this small grey waiting room, waiting for her ultrasound, alone.

It was a full-time job looking after herself, and it was terrifying to imagine having a child being totally dependent on her. And yet, without realizing at first that she was doing it, she was spending most of her free time researching the changes each trimester would bring and what to expect from a newborn. She had even found herself online shopping for baby clothes. And it excited her.

Nina had often heard mothers talk about what a magical time pregnancy was, and while she had believed them she couldn’t see herself enjoying having morning sickness and swollen feet for nine months, let alone dealing with random strangers wanting to rub your belly. But now Nina was learning that it truly was an experience you couldn’t properly understand unless you had gone through it yourself.

She thought of her aunt Marianne who had struggled for years trying to get pregnant, and her heart ached for her. Marianne would never have the experience of carrying a child, but she had been blessed with adopting a little boy who needed a mother. Nina only hoped she could be half the mother Marianne was.

She had spent several minutes lost in these thoughts when something in the room suddenly shifted. She sensed he was there before her brain could register it.

She got that familiar feeling, it was like when you step into a warm bath, and you feel a bit tingly and slightly uncomfortable at first, but it only lasts a second and then you feel a comforting warmth spread all over your body, from the top of your head to the tips of your toes, and you relax into it and think there’s nowhere else you would rather be. That’s what it felt like to be with Chris. Even now, after everything that had happened, she felt comfort from just being near him.

As he stepped into the office, his eyes found her growing stomach, and she placed her hands protectively over it. She had often seen women do this, but it was unconscious, natural, her motherly instincts already present.

“I don’t understand, how did …?” Her words failed her as her mind was overrun by competing thoughts and emotions.

“Your mother called me. She gave me this address and told me you would be here and that I had to come meet you, that you needed me, but she didn’t tell me anything else. She didn’t tell me why.”

He looked into her eyes and she saw he was questioning her, he had so many questions.

She decided to start with his biggest question.

“I didn’t know if you would want to be a father.”

“Nina, you didn’t even give me a chance. You decided for me. This is our child Nina, yours and mine. We’re in this together, all three of us. That is what I want.”

Nina felt her eyes welling with tears. “But all your plans. You’re going back to school; I don’t want you to have to choose.”

Chris took her hand and they sank into two chairs. “Plans can change. Besides, it doesn’t have to be one or the other, plenty of parents make it work with online courses. And I have a good job already, I don’t need to go back to school. My point is, the most important thing in my life right now is you. You and me, and our child. Everything else takes a backseat. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Nina couldn’t think of what she had done to deserve so much, but she decided not to worry about that. At that moment, she focused on all that she had to be grateful for.

“We’re going to do this?” She searched Chris’ eyes for any signs of hesitation or doubt but found none.

He returned her gaze. “Together.”