Dear Diary - Have I changed?

Dear Diary,

Hello old friend. It’s late on a Friday evening and I’m just coming in from having dinner with my mom. It was nice to just sit and talk with her about how the world is right now and it was interesting to hear about how things were when she was a kid. We talked about her childhood and how much has changed since then. We also talked about my childhood and how much I have changed since then. What do you think about that? Have I changed over the years? Has the past changed me or have I changed because of it?

I remember when I was a young kid, nine or ten probably, I thought my mom hung the moon. I thought she knew everything and could fix anything. She was the coolest person I knew. I used to hang on my mom’s every word and I could listen to her tell stories from her childhood over and over again. Even with my inability to focus on much of anything, those stories were one thing on which I could concentrate.

As you remember, life at home wasn’t easy. I would listen to mom’s stories and then later when the yelling would start, I would focus on the stories and find a way to get through the storm. I’m not really sure how we got through those years. Mom always said it was because we focused on God instead of the troubles and abuse. I never truly understood it then, but I believed her. It was so easy to believe back then. There are definitely moments when I wish I could get back the innocence that came with that ease of belief. Life would be much easier now, but I digress.

Do you remember when I was fifteen or so and I got the dose of reality that even the people you love will break your trust and really let you down? That was a rough patch. Perhaps it was a rite of passage that happens so we are able to break ties and strike out to find our independence, but you know what a tough of an experience that was for me. You heard about it for months as I struggled to understand. In fact, if we’re honest, there are moments that I still struggle with trusting people because my mom broke my trust. Yes, I learned a good life lesson that no one is perfect, but it kind of shaped the next several years of my life and not in a good way.

It’s interesting to look back to see how closed off I was in a way because of that experience, yet so open and honest. I suffered a great deal of pain because of both. Do you remember all the people I tried to befriend looking for what I learned my mother couldn’t give me? I wanted that unconditional love so badly that I sought it out in people I thought could give it, but never could. I sought it out in the accolades of others thinking eventually someone would notice and care about the real me, not the me that everyone else seemed to perceive. You know how many life altering decisions I made because of that want. No, they were not bad choices per se, but collectively, they were not in my best interests and probably shouldn’t have been what I chose to choose. (he he)

Of course, there were those years after mom moved away and left me to fend for myself that I did experience some rather cool things for a little while. I was nineteen and went from a scared little country girl to a scared little country girl in the big city. Do you remember all those mornings, waking up and leaving so early just to avoid the traffic? The drive took forever some mornings and other mornings, I was so tired I didn’t even remember paying my tolls or anything. I was full of hope back then, thinking eventually I would break free and do what I was meant to do. In a way I’ve come so far, but it’s not a good far. I feel like I’ve come so far from that hope. Where is that girl who thought she could and thought she would? Where is the girl with all the dreams and ambitions and determination? Does she still exist or did I leave her back there in the metropolis?

It’s been nearly twenty years since my days in the big city. In a way it seems like different life and yet it seems like it was just yesterday. Yes, I know, we only get one life, but those years are so far removed when I think of who I was then and who I am now. The me of age twenty was in love with music and dreams, but the me of age forty now sees what my mom was talking about tonight as we ate dinner.

I am focused on the beauty of things around me instead of seeking the attention of people. I get such joy out of listening to the birds sing and watching the sun set behind the mountains instead of traveling around the country for a purpose and not noticing anything. It fills my heart to have a meaningful conversation with a dear friend and to offer help to those in need instead of focusing on how to ‘make it big’ in the eyes of others.

Have I changed that much from the wide-eyed girl who sought love and acceptance from people who could only offer surface emotions or have I just learned that God brings people in and out of your life as you need them or they need you? You know me so well my friend. You have been there for every high and every low. You have seen me love and you have seen me lose. What do you think of who I have become? Is my mom right? Have I changed over the stages of my life? Or have those stages changed me? Or is it all one in the same?

There are moments when I wonder how I ever made it this far in life. How did I get through those stages of hurt and anguish? How did I come out on the other side of certain damaging events and tragedies? Perhaps it really is what mom said when I was a kid. Perhaps my focus on God and His plan for me really has been the thing that got me through and gets me through every day. Perhaps being rooted in faith as a child was God’s plan all along and maybe, just maybe, I am exactly where He wants me to be. What an interesting and hopeful thought.

Well dear friend, I had better call it a night. Tomorrow is Saturday and there is a lot to get done. I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow evening. As always, thanks for listening and helping me think through things in order to store them or let them go. You always know the ‘write’ way to help me for sure!

Until tomorrow… L.D.